CLICKBAITVICTIM

New favorite short-form content just dropped: Chinese girls advertising awesome gadgets no one needs via glamping vlogs. These girls drive a military grade van or pink camper (no in-between) to a remote location and set up shop, showcasing their entire day-to-night routine using exclusively cutesy products. But these products aren’t just kawaii, they’re incredibly practical as well; inflatable tents transform into river rafts, mini freezers purge chibi ice cubes, watermelon-sized washer-dryers cycle at the speed of light. Everything is disturbingly immaculate and baby-proofed. The finale: they slide their beds down, revealing an adjustable ladder to a massive rooftop deck where these girls giggle (not sure about what) and gaze out at the foggy mountains. Incredibly satisfying and indicative of the material lack within my own life. Yay!

On the topic of ergonomics, I’ve found myself drawn to creatures exhibiting similar traits. The Petco hamster, the Desert rain frog, the glorious pufferfish— what do they all have in common? They are round. And stupid. How did they get this far into evolution? Domesticity increases chances for survival, but some of these creatures still lack in that department; hamsters run over their newborns possessed by the wheel, rain frogs fail to catch crickets quite literally fed to them on a silver spoon. Pufferfish have that mouth-breathing fluoride stare, but at least their defenses permit them to survive in the wild. This is not slander; this is admiration for evolution and distortion. “Cuteness” is a quiet biological weapon, the world’s greatest survival mechanism, and these creatures are prime living proof. Human interference is inevitable because of our insurmountable(?) god complex, but this guarantees legacy; as Sianne Ngai states, “in its exaggerated passivity and vulnerability, the cute object is as often intended to excite a consumer’s sadistic desires for mastery and control as much as his or her desire to cuddle” (The Cuteness of the Avant-Garde). I guess I just have control issues.

The 21st-century knight in shining armor is a streamer. Just a few weeks ago, iShowSpeed ended his 28-day tour across 20 nations in Africa. Similar to the aftermath of his stream in China last spring, Speed’s authentic broadcast greatly dispelled ignorant perceptions of each nation's current state and unique cultural practices, with comments all over social media ranging from shockingly-earnest apologies, to sheer awe and admiration. Source? My TikTok feed. While things got a little rocky in Algeria, the majority of the journey was invigorating and entertaining, with Speed partaking in traditional customs such as dancing with the Maasai in Kenya, engaging in local football games, and random one-off challenges, like racing a Cheetah in South Africa. After his trip to Ghana, the country’s foreign minister publicly deemed Speed a “worthy ambassador” and is now processing his passport for Ghanaian citizenship #LikeABoss. This man is a beam of light, a true influencer, singlehandedly reshaping the public’s dampened perceptions of the world with good vibes and realness. 

Vulgarity is unsexy. We have collectively been beguiled by nothingness. And her shy little sister, Erotica, has seemingly slunk off into a corner to die. But I will fix that. And by me, I mean the late great H.R. Giger [smirks]. With his artistic depictions of biomechanical beauty and psychosomatic horror, Mr. Giger has imbued culture with enough fantasy to remix and revive the lost art of eroticism. Machinations of the mind wander freely in these alienish illustrations— equally grotesque as they are perverse— fueling fundamental notions of curiosity, sensuality, and subversion lost in blatant vulgarity. That being said, however, what I’m really recommending here is Giger-inspired cosplay. Few and far between, these handmade xenomorph suits and extensively-bodypainted figures reflect hours-upon-hours of diligent craftsmanship, dedication, and pure love for the game (the game being artistic integrity, cultural capital, and, well, interestingness). The effort required to express such technical skills is incredibly impressive and inspiring, not to mention the cost and circuitous trial-and-error process required to build overlapping robotic components. But the results are even sexier. Actualize your fantasies and breathe life into the mundane; that’s what’s hot. [TLDR: Everyone get weirder now!!!!!]  

Exactly what it sounds like. Bring back messenger pigeons, move slower, and be intentional. Process is often overlooked in the pursuit of progress. Privacy is a virtue. Basically just listen to “Young Black and Rich” by Melly Mike and do everything he says (/srs).