I had my first existential thought when I was nine years old standing in the grocery store. I just couldn’t fathom how people were happy to be alive. The thought of death was right around the corner. Realizing that life necessarily isn’t always in our hands, what is controlled simply purely by the forces of nature, without us having the ability to know. The more I thought about it the more angry I got I start crying. My mom was startled (I never really cried as a kid ) but I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling. It made me realize there’s no point to anything. Now I’m older and I feel like I understand a lot more about life, but I didn’t realize how many other factors there were like risk? Maybe my natural state was always taking into the account the worst case scenario (even prior to learning any philosophies). I recently started reading a lot more Russian literature. It’s heavy, nihilistic, but it’s beautiful to read if your can find joy, and beauty in the pain and in the unknown. I’m definitely happier now as I’ve grown to be a lot wiser, because I have the ability to sit with negative scenarios and accept them for what they are or could be, and learned to live life, regardless with what it tries to throw. I know this was long, but I wanna see if others relate. I always feel casted due to my mental framework. The more I grow the more I realize life quite simply can’t be simplified to such a two-dimensional, basic and delusional frame of mind, especially when you have millions of scenarios and factors when considering each individual perspective and schools of thought. Philosophy and everything for the matter should really just be considered as art. This sucks we feel the need to relate or integrate with everything when really life should be about observation and learning to enjoy things even if it is just from a distance.