Allie Rowbottom

Allie Rowbottom on Voice Memos, Truly Iced Tea, Being Nice, and more.

November 16, 2022

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Allie Rowbottom is a Los Angeles-based writer whose second book, Aesthetica, is coming out on November 22nd and follows @annawrey, a former Instagram model with a plastic surgery addiction and the last procedure she hopes will save her soul. Allie’s first book (a memoir), Jell-O Girls, was a New York Times Editors’ Choice and has a Perfectly Imperfect guest stamp of approval, she’s been featured in Vanity Fair and Sex Magazine, and you can find her writing in bunch of other places listed on her website. She’s throwing an epic release party tonight (11/16) with pay-what-you-can botox from @nycinjector, readings from Caroline Calloway, The Forever Mag girls, and more, and an inaugural DJ set from yours truly (among others). Lucky for us, Allie is here to tell us what she’s been into.

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Truly Iced Tea

If, like me, you sometimes find it difficult to stay out until the early morning hours, partying, hosting literary salons, and maintaining a genial persona, consider foregoing Adderall and cocaine in favor of Truly Iced Tea. It has a healthy amount of caffeine in it, zero sugar, enough alcohol to get you loose but not sloppy, and can be purchased at most Duane Reade and CVS drugstores. Every flavor is good, but I especially enjoy a can of classic lemon.

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Press on nails

For years I dutifully visited the salon every two weeks to paint and fill long acrylic nails that were difficult to type with, expensive and prone to fungus. Then, COVID hit. I started going to pool parties at my friend Jamie Nelson’s house, saw her luxe red talons, impervious to salon closures, and learned the secret: press on nails. They look like a full set but are cheap, long lasting, easy to apply and easy to remove when you want to do human things like type your novel or pick up a penny. I’ve tried some fun ones on Etsy but find the best quality nails are made by the brand Kiss and are widely available anywhere basic self-care sundries are sold.

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Taking your time

This is especially important if you are an artist or aspiring artist but it’s also just a good way to enjoy life and avoid getting hurt. Where it is true that our culture privileges youth and beauty and instant gratification, it is more true that meaningful, well-made and carefully considered art (and decisions) eventually rise to the top. But to make something well and carefully, one must be patient. This can mean putting the project, question or concern away for a while to return to it with fresh eyes. Or finding a group of like-minded individuals you can trust to give you honest feedback. Whatever your path to patience just remember that when all is said and done, it’s better to produce work or life choices that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, reflect your personal best, rather than rush and regret it later.

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Voice Memos

My favorite mode of communication with my besties. A phone call without the phone call. A conversation without having to listen to someone else in real time. A safer, more private way to talk shit. If you aren’t volleying voice-memos back and forth between your lovers and friends, I suggest starting now and without warning. If they text you back, send them a voice-memo in response. Eventually, they will cave and start voice-memoing too. If you need an excuse for why you refuse to text, blame carpal tunnel or long press on nails.

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Eating

In accordance with the Kar-Jenner global agenda, capitalistic cycle and general hatred of women fomented by American culture, looking extremely skinny and gaunt is back in fashion. For most bodies, achieving this look necessitates caloric restriction which is painful, addictive and sucks from life all its glory and joy. It also, over time, leaves people with anxiety around normal social stuff, like going to restaurants and eating in front of friends. As someone who wasted way too many years of my life feeling this particular brand of anxiety, I am here to tell you, it’s not worth it. Kate Moss said nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but she was wrong. Nothing tastes as good as freedom from obsessing about food feels. Also emaciation makes you look old and weak. Also if you are restricting to address areas of stubborn fat, you are running a fool’s errand. Liposuction is for areas of stubborn fat. It removes fat cells permanently, is an easy to finance outpatient procedure, and many places don’t even put you to sleep for it.

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Being nice

It’s very easy to be snobby and unkind and anyone who has attended high school knows that being snobby and unkind is often associated with being cool. But being snobby and unkind actually suggests to other people that you are insecure, which isn’t a great look. Also, yes life is short but also life is long. On a purely business level, you never know who is going to become famous or powerful in some years’ time and you can’t know if the blush of your fame or power will be short or long lived. For that reason, consider being nice to everyone at least until they give you a legitimate reason to change your tune. Plus, being nice is better for your body and soul. If you find this challenging because you’ve spent too much time online, start small. When you’re at an in-person event and everyone is standing around “checking their phones” go ahead and introduce yourself. Extend your hand, make eye contact and say, “Hi, I’m (insert your name here).” It may feel awkward at first. And not everyone will be nice back, because they’re insecure. But with practice, you’ll no longer care; it will be enough for you, simply to know you did your part by being nice.

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Muscle guns

Two years ago I strained my feet jumping around my living room doing the HIIT exercises recommended by a YouTube channel. When I asked my husband, Jon, to massage my strained feet, he pulled on the toes, a signature move he claims is essential for releasing stagnation. But my right foot was so weakened by the jumping that when Jon pulled he induced a “Jones stress fracture” (also known as a “Jon’s stress fracture”) and landed me in a walking boot. I recovered, but my feet have never been the same and I now require a mode of massage that is safe. Which is how I came to know and love muscle guns. I’d seen such devices before, at Crunch Fitness on the Upper West Side specifically, where personal trainers use them on unwitting first-time clientele who lay on tables in the center of the weight room to be pounded and publicly humiliated into orgasmic muscular release post-workout. But because the personal trainers at Crunch are universally to be avoided, I never thought to try the guns they love. Then one day I saw a half price “Theragun” in the checkout line at Marshalls. I impulsively snatched it and threw it in my basket. At home I fired it up and gently began caressing my feet. The sensation is less pleasurable than a real massage but the next day, as if by magic, my feet were healed.

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Allie Rowbottom

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