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the clarity and bravery that adulthood provides, in tandem with the urge to make the most of the little time you get to intimately connect with the folks who mean the most to you: these drive you to dig deeper in the single afternoon you have to catch up, talking uninterrupted for 5 whole hours.
even going on 20 years of friendship, there is still more to learn about each other. makes sense, as you’ve spent so much time in self-examination. but now is the time to share, and presenting for show and tell are their fears and yours, hesitations and hinderances and fumbles and mistakes. each time you meet, you begin to know each other anew. here, vulnerability is safe and matter-of-fact.
you speak on the knowledge you‘ve gained by suffering through experiences that they haven’t had, and between you is an easy and frank intimacy interspersed with laughter and silly noises. you’re not sure who else you could ever have this kind of conversation with. the love between friends feels honest and special, as enduring as with family. when you slowly start to shift their mindset by sharing what you’ve learned from years of struggling, from pain that seemed pointless, crushing, isolating, you start to feel that maybe there was point to it after all.
most people are exhausting but you spring away to catch the C train feeling renewed, and maybe a little wise. you are no longer children together, and that‘s okay because now you revel in your shared adulthood, in your parallels and your growth
Jan 28, 2024
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🫂
last night i had a heart-to-heart with a friend/co-worker about our strained friendship. we’d been distancing ourselves from each other for the past year because of some misunderstandings. it made me sad for a while, especially since i was struggling with mental health, so losing a friend felt like a punch in the solar plexus. but then i came to terms with the possibility that we might never talk again, but this acceptance was not out of resentment, just the realization that some friends are not meant to be close friends.
but it all changed yesterday. we didn’t even plan to have that talk, it just came out organically during a casual chat after a long period of no real conversations, just the occasional forced small talk since we see each other at work all the time. this time we talked for hours, like we used to before our falling out, and eventually addressed the elephant in the room. we both realized that we had unknowingly done things that made each other feel unseen and hurt in the past, so we apologized and forgave each other. i’m really glad that we had a heart-to-heart where we could be honest about our feelings without being defensive or blaming each other. it was all about understanding one another, acknowledging our shortcomings, learning from our mistakes, and taking accountability for our actions.
having a heart-to-heart is special. navigating a conflict is uncomfortable, but it’s an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Apr 17, 2025
🫴
Speaking to a friendship aspect: finding my people was initially exhilarating. Being seen and accepted, feeling joyful and excited to spend time together, feeling like a team in the world rather than competitors are all things my first experiences with my best friends felt like. But there were also points where we pissed each other off or hurt each other or grew apart. what set apart these Friendships was being able to talk about it and wanting to be open about our hurt or anger. We reciprocally put in work to stay connected. I could trust my friends would listen to me and try to do better. i could Also trust that I would be forgiven when I needed to do better. To this day, they are the most transformative relationships I’ve had in adulthood and I’m always so grateful for them.
Feb 18, 2025
🫴
Speaking to a friendship aspect: finding my people was initially exhilarating. Being seen and accepted, feeling joyful and excited to spend time together, feeling like a team in the world rather than competitors are all things my first experiences with my best friends felt like. But there were also points where we pissed each other off or hurt each other or grew apart. what set apart these Friendships was being able to talk about it and wanting to be open about our hurt or anger. We reciprocally put in work to stay connected. I could trust my friends would listen to me and try to do better. i could Also trust that I would be forgiven when I needed to do better. To this day, they are the most transformative relationships I’ve had in adulthood and I’m always so grateful for them.
Feb 18, 2025
Top Recs from @testtubeadult
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the fewer the better
soon i will switch my browsers away from the info-eating tech giants and no one will find me (except when i want to return and be found)
Nov 19, 2024
🧱
for example. at this juncture of my life i am a brick wall. even a fortress, maybe. all obstacle. windows up high, no doors. something is happening inside, deep in the tower’s belly. the soft thing in the antechamber is glowing. it’s hardening like petrified wood. and no one would ever know, because it’s safe there. peaceful. no ego-drunk conquering lords come barreling in, no sad pilgrims, no tax collectors nor gamblers nor drunks nor pretty stable boys with ringlets enter here. the wall is impermeable and unscalable. every armchair explorer that has tried to climb it has given up, released and fallen into the waters below, more welcoming than the altitude. they, like most, were not ready for blisters. the brick wall is a happy wall, a technology without failures. press your face against it, hot from the sun, victorious
Nov 24, 2024
⭐
money is tight this month, so i‘ll be making no further plans. i am telling myself that i will spend as little as possible. i will use my time to practice the solo creative tasks that gnaw away at my brain all day anyway, to journal and reflect, and to struggle to establish something of a routine again, until i can emerge feeling that i have a handle on myself (for now). sometimes it’s fun to be restrictive, reclusive. especially in the winter. during stretches like these, i like to think of myself as a hermit or an ascetic monk.
Jan 31, 2024