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๐งช
not really sure what you're going for but i appreciate the effort. and its good to express yourself
Jan 30, 2024
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trying to sigmund freud my way into understanding wtf my subconcious was trying to tell me with these entries
Sep 14, 2024
14h ago
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๐ง this might be the most raw thing to date i've posted on here but i need to vent and i can't figure out where else besides my silly little blog to do it, so consider this a ramble warning of sorts.
i'm someone who's somehow obsessed with outcomes and numbers and grades and whatever number my brain dictates "success", but i'm also someone who is often physically incapable of working on something that doesn't interest me, no matter how easy it should be. a gp appointment i'm supposed to have at least yearly for an important medical condition that would take five minutes to book? i procrastinate for four years because it falls into the kind of paperwork-admin task i hate most. a simple piece of 10 minute paperwork that would resolve my (significant) stresses around finances altogether once submitted? seven months to complete. it's not a level of procrastination that i can even joke about or find funny. it's this inability to work on simple tasks that's so intense it makes me feel ill. my uni gives me the ability to request flexible deadlines so i can get extensions on assignments, but it doesn't help - it just pushes the deadline back further and i will procrastinate on it for longer.
i hate getting bad grades, i hate late penalties, but that hatred only sets in once i get the grade - i physically cannot make myself care about it while i'm trying to finish it before submission if it doesn't interest me. i try and take only the modules i like the most but there aren't enough of them. i hate it so much because being unable to make myelf care about assignments while simultaneously obsessing so much over success when it comes to the results just means i'm disappointed every time. i've tried literally everything to motivate myself - genuinely everything under the sun - and i cannot make myself care. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i've contacted everyone, every possible department and support group and whatever i can think of for help and it's all been useless. it doesn't matter that i already have a diagnosis for a heavily comorbid condition; two years later and no matter how closely all of my symptoms match the diagnosis i know i have, i keep getting rejected for any further help. and no matter what help i request for the diagnosis i already have, i'm never given any of it. because i'm not nonverbal and seem vaguely like i can cope on my own, it's sink or swim. i've been referrred to nonexistent phonelines, nonexistent emails, random blogs - the medical system i'm supposed to rely on genuinely doesn't care. i feel like i'm going insane. i know this stuff is genetic and even though it's not his fault, i see my own patterns in my dad and it disgusts me. i hate this. i hate it so much.
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