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i donāt really miss the last relationship i was in, despite the fact that it was 4 years long and there was an easy, comfortable companionship between us - one of the main reasons we stayed together long past what probably should have been our expiration date. what iāve realized i do miss, though, is someone to regulate and balance myself against.
iāve always had issues getting myself to sleep at a decent hour, issues with focus, time management, executive function, and all the rest of the laundry list that comes with high functioning ADHD. with a mostly-patient āneurotypicalā partner, though, i found myself able to mirror some of their habits, their rhythms. and i basically always had an on-call body double, someone with whom i could share productive silence - nothing better than someone who doesnāt feel the need to constantly be chatting, who might every now and then quietly look over and give me a gentle /whack/ when iāve strayed from my task.
when we were together, a normal sleep schedule became attainable; in the months before we broke up, there were plenty of nights a week that i would get my 8 hours. now, getting any more than 6 on a worknight? feels like a chore that iām constantly failing to get to. but for a while, climbing into bed early with another person to do the mini crossword and then lazily drift out was just one last hit of dopamine to close the day. and then waking up in their arms, the first hit of the day. something to constantly look forward to.
i donāt necessarily miss the relationship, but iām looking forward to finding someone who can be that for me again
Jan 31, 2024
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I found this in my notes up from April before I met a partner of mine and was overwhelmed with a constant feeling of loneliness. He later cheated on me at the start of the month, and I felt nothing,
I was released to be alone. Now that December is coming to an end, the joy of space has worn off and left a lonesome taste in my mouth. He is the most recent picture of intimacy I can claw too. I dislike him and donāt want him, Iām not sure I ever did. But god do I miss sleeping next to him, I miss his representation of warmth, not him. Anyway this little diary passage reminded me how well I know myself and how the same feelings and thoughts will continuously re imagine themself and manifest into life.
19 April 2024
āWe arenāt meant to be solitary creatures
We are made to hold one another
Our arms fit perfectly around people for a reasonĀ
And every night I go with only my bed to keep me warm
Part of my soul breaks under the discomfortĀ
The absence of someone is the presence of my lonelinessĀ
The space becomes filled with reflections of myself
And I must stare back at my ghosts who haunt me with the silhouette of lovers who did not want meā
Dec 30, 2024
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This time 4 years ago, I was reeling from the most embarrassingly heinous situationship thatās ever befallen anyone I know (lol this guy is perhaps a story for another time). Now Iām 2 years into living with the love of my life, thinking that I was too broken to ever get close to a human being again
Some of the (many) things that worked for me:
- Taking an extended period away from dating, far longer than I had thought. In a fucked up way, I think Covid saved my life since I functionally had no way to get back out there for 6+ months (Iām not counting those weird FaceTime dates). Even if you think youāre ready, itās possible you could still benefit from time outside the cesspool just working on yourself and investing in friendships/hobbies/your career/learning new stuff/whatever.
- On a related note, therapy was very needed!
- Start a new, group hobby where youāll see the same people each week. Not that youāll forcibly end up dating someone you meet there, but an expanded circle often brings good into your life and itās exciting to have something new in your life that isnāt tied to success on a dating app.
- Not to be that person since I always hated when people said this to me when I was single, but it always happens when you least expect it. All of the above contributes to a new you who isnāt yearning for it above all else. People are drawn to others who seem to be thriving without them and I promise you youāll attract much higher quality people when you project this attitude (my own prospects were night and day since I was content in my own life and saw someone as additive not just looking for love/acceptance/contact from whoever could provide it).
Those are the things that came to me initially, but will keep noodling. Rooting for you ā¤ļø
Apr 1, 2024
A few days ago, I unexpectedly ran into my ex-boyfriend, with whom I ended things two years ago. It was an unusual encounter, as we always seem to cross paths at significant moments, as if the universe is at play. The last time we crossed paths was on New Yearās Eve, just minutes before midnight, which left us feeling awkward. This time, it happened on his birthday, which felt almost deliberate, especially since I had just been thinking about whether or not I should send him a message. But when is the right time to leave people in the past?
Thereās something uncanny about bumping into someone from your past ā a topic that doesnāt get discussed often enough. We all have someone who once played a crucial role in our lives ā a partner, a best friend ā people who, for one reason or another, have drifted away.Ā Yet, at the same time, these people continue to influence who we are today. They serve as a small reminder of what no longer fits, while the core of who they are remains the same. It often feels as if you last saw them only yesterday, even though life has continued to move forward. You give each other a brief update on your lives, occasionally exchanging smiles, with a hint of awkwardness lingering now and then.Ā
After this unexpected encounter, I shared the experience with my current partner, who gave me a gentle hug of understanding, without finding the situation odd. It felt right to express how I felt about it ā that it was both strange and familiar, that we had taken the time to catch up, but that there was nothing more to it than that fleeting moment. Knowing that the person Iām with now understands where I'm coming from gives me confidence that Iām in the right place, that I can feel safe enough to share my past as we focus on building our future together.
After all, love is love, even if some parts of it linger in the past. Realizing that time isn't always linear allows us to see how certain things continue to resonate in the present ā memories that arenāt confined to the past but extend into the future, shaped by the choices we make and the people we choose to share our lives with.Ā After a while, you feel a sense of peace, knowing that all the moments were valuable or instructive.
There is something both beautiful and confusing about encountering people from our past ā a fleeting moment that seems to pass in the blink of an eye before it fades away. Itās the recognition of each otherās lives, of who we once were and who we still are, while finding happiness with someone new and genuinely celebrating each otherās growth.Ā
As we hugged goodbye, I couldnāt help but reflect on how right he had been back then ā that I would eventually find someone I truly deserved, someone better suited for me, and that he would too. It signifies that we have brought so much good into each otherās lives and are now able to move forward with who weāve become.
Aug 26, 2024
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the fewer the better
soon i will switch my browsers away from the info-eating tech giants and no one will find me (except when i want to return and be found)
Nov 19, 2024
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for example. at this juncture of my life i am a brick wall. even a fortress, maybe. all obstacle. windows up high, no doors. something is happening inside, deep in the towerās belly. the soft thing in the antechamber is glowing. itās hardening like petrified wood. and no one would ever know, because itās safe there. peaceful. no ego-drunk conquering lords come barreling in, no sad pilgrims, no tax collectors nor gamblers nor drunks nor pretty stable boys with ringlets enter here. the wall is impermeable and unscalable. every armchair explorer that has tried to climb it has given up, released and fallen into the waters below, more welcoming than the altitude. they, like most, were not ready for blisters. the brick wall is a happy wall, a technology without failures. press your face against it, hot from the sun, victorious
Nov 24, 2024
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money is tight this month, so iāll be making no further plans. i am telling myself that i will spend as little as possible. i will use my time to practice the solo creative tasks that gnaw away at my brain all day anyway, to journal and reflect, and to struggle to establish something of a routine again, until i can emerge feeling that i have a handle on myself (for now). sometimes itās fun to be restrictive, reclusive. especially in the winter. during stretches like these, i like to think of myself as a hermit or an ascetic monk.
Jan 31, 2024