1) speaking french (fluently)
2) british accent (cockney)
3) guessing peoples jean sizes (accurately. i can spot a 29-30 x 34 a mile away)
4) eating food out of the trash
5) running (in 4in platforms)
6) altercations (very rarely physical but this is not a non-zero chance of happening)
7) carry dressers 4x my size off the street (minimal struggling for some reason)
8) pushups
9) referring to myself as mama
10) falling in love
11) playing with candle wax until someone from behind the bar takes it away from me
12) question my gender (i would’ve been such a good boy. i’d make a better boy than i do a girl)
Very impressive list. I usually just start telling strangers to “act normal for once” but I honestly need to get creative like you. Also met this guy who would start doing cartwheels while drunk which was super cool.
every ig update reminds me of how far i am from the life i was promised. i was supposed to be working at buzzfeed making six figures writing listicles wearing those studded steve madden pumps and posting only squares with the rio dijanero filter.
every ig update is like a new gunshot to my already bleeding body. they’re useless and unwanted. idgaf about turning my feed to rectangles. show me who unfollowed me. next update is gonna be a tab with two buttons: one sucks your dick and the other shoots you in the face except you don’t know which one is which. honestly i’d rather have that instead of the rectangles. Modernity I Rebuke You.
i feel like an 80s mobster. or a 19th century bachelor with an unfortunate attraction to bohemia. someone who would’ve been called a rake in those days bc i was dancing with married women and gambling and learning french instead of carrying on the bloodline or courting duchesses.
stella in sips when i’m in love and happy about it. tequila in full gulps when im in love and sad about it. rum and coke when im in love and angry about it. twisted teas when im in love and trying to forget about it. sapporo when im in love and ready to be over it. vodka and club mixers when im in love and afraid of it. white wine when im in love and too proud to admit it. juneshine when im in love and ready to be poetic about it. soju for when it comes creeping back in. warm beers once it’s crept back in. unspecified beer pong potions when i’m still trying to figure out how i feel about it. i wrote this on the toilet while dressed like a 2010s scene kid. drinking smirnoff ice and trying to figure out how i feel about it.
