This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
Related Recs
I turned 21 in february 2020, so, ya know. My world changed quick.
But truly I just remember trying various things, trying to define and undefine myself. Feeling what it felt like to stick to my guns, then readjust them. I was in the middle of what would be a 2.5 year relationship. I didn't kid myself with picturing a big future anymore than what was sweet, which was wonderful. I was living with a partner for the first time and felt like I knew what to do, like I was experienced enough for all the problems which faced me. but really I was just experienced enough to start so many things.
I was constantly bouncing between total pride and complete faliure. Playing house in a house I was actually renting with friends. Experimenting with what grocery shopping for myself meant to my life, redifining how I was going to live my days in the future.
The best thing I did in my 21st year of life was not be too mean to myself for not committing, and just committing to new things. I would go dance in the park, go on walks, edit music. All things I wish I did on the regular but regardless, by trying new things, it made it so much easier to pick them up, because I had a frame of reference for the world.
I loved being 20, as depressed as I was. That specific creativity is gone. But now I am 25 and know how to weild my own magic. The depth I have always felt within my soul has farther definition. Its like I put on glasses in a 7th dimention. Don't underestimate the beautiful growth ahead. Yes you are an adult, equipped hopefully to start so many new things. But keep up that internal work, and the years will be bountiful towards true inner peace.
And soo many more new tools to better learn how to tackle issues while still feeling like yourself.
u got this. stay true to urself but be flexibl with redifining who that is.
x
Jun 12, 2024
🎨
I’m about to turn 30 and idk if my 21 year old self would approve of where I’m at—but my 6 year old self sure as hell would!! I think a lot of life is finding your way back to Little You.
Being 21 is so so hard, and in college you’re first starting to see that you can’t judge your progress based on other people. Even though that’s how you were taught to judge yourself up until this point. The things you want now probably won’t matter to you in a few years, and for me that would have sounded terrifying at 21. But that doesn’t mean the things you want now aren’t important.
You can think of it in terms of tattoos. If you get a tattoo at 16 it’s not because you know it will represent you always and forever—it’s to commemorate a moment, a feeling of boldness you wanted to wear proudly. And down the line you don’t look at it with regret, but a softness for that younger part of you. Feel your feelings fully in this moment! Be bold with what you care about! Every age is special.
Practical advice:
Try to listen to your body and not your head. Do I actually like how I feel spending time with this person? Am I going through the motions of this hobby because I think it will service something else? Does xyz come naturally to me, or does it feel forced? No action needed. This exercise isn’t about flipping your life upside down, just take notice of how your body feels in certain situations. Start to notice when you’re in fight or flight versus happy and free. Find the ease and follow it
Jan 25, 2025
🥳
I’ve taken some time to think about this, because so much I could say feels circumstantial. But here’s what I’ve come to:
I’m still technically early 30’s, but one thing I’ve noticed from myself and friends is a higher level of intentionality. There is an inherent drive to deepen bonds that are worth it, and moving energy away from those that are draining. In order to do that, you have to be intentional about building those connections. All my friends are busy, myself included, so we carve out time to spend together and make sure that happens at least monthly. I actually host a monthly game night which is intentionally very laid back and an opportunity to just have fun, because I know we all need it! I still make connections with new people, but there has to be a little something there for me to put my time and energy into creating something more.
I also found my focus shifting from short term to long term. That was uncomfortable for me. While I’m still a very in the moment person, I started actually thinking about how I wanted my life to look not just right now, but years from now.
It’s true that you’ll get a lot of clarity on who you are. I just am who I am, and I’m not trying things out anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m not open and curious and playful, but at my core I’m solid. Either people vibe with that or they don’t, it’s not personal to me. I don’t need to be liked by everyone, and I don’t need to like everyone.
Working on yourself is essential. We all have issues, most of them aren’t our fault, but it is our responsibility to work on them. We also all have core issues that will never fully go away, but can get better. Healing is a spiral and we’re never fully done. Life is healing, integrating, enjoying the new level, then leveling up again!
My 20s very much felt like a portal and now my 30s are feeling like a much different kind of one. Welcome to the club and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🥳
Jun 7, 2024
Top Recs from @chickeninshoes
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touching grass, blades between toes, dappled shade beneath the trees, reading a book or quietly painting or people-watching or picnicking with a friend...babes, there is nothing like it
May 12, 2024
May 8, 2024
😃
• Maggie Nelson (Bluets and Something Bright, Then Holes)
• Victoria Chang (Obit)
• Heather Christle (The Crying Book)
• bell hooks
• June Jordan
• Mary Oliver
• e. e. cummings
• Melissa Broder
• Chen Chen
• Mary Oliver
• Jacqueline Suskin
• Andrea Gibson
Some of the above poets have twitters/insta you can follow to keep up with their work!
I also suggest following some publishers and presses that publish poetry to hear about new poets and their collections!
I really like:
• Copper Canyon Press
• Graywolf Press
• Coffee House Press
• Wave Books
• Button Poetry
Happy reading, from one poet to another 💗
May 7, 2024