First of all, this is definitely normal and youāre absolutely not alone in it. But I think you may be ascribing self-actualization and self-assuredness to those a few years younger than you a little too hastily. People who had their middle-school years disrupted by the pandemic also dealt with/continue to deal with the effects of missing out on formative social and personal development, all the while with less developed brains! Not to mention the people youāre seeing are the ones out at shows, not the ones staying home with social anxiety or panic attacks. So although it may seem from your observation that people in this age range are doing just great, it sounds like youāre comparing yourself to a skewed group through an internalized lens of cultural bias towards youth ā quite a combo. And thatās just not being fair to yourself. The fact that you are getting back out there is big and needs to be acknowledged. Instead, youāre positively projecting and amplifying, i.e., seeing in them what you are having trouble finding in yourself. But it is in there ā the proof is that youāre showing up. Same thing for self-expression ā have you seen your own pfp? You seem cool af!
Because of the pandemic, youāve had a unique and unfortunate generational experience of this āarrested developmentā, but this also creates an opportunity to further the paradigm shift that royallmonarch focused on in his lovely essay. Societal expectations based around age are out; living your life on your own timeline is in.
Life happens; shit happens. But youāre getting through it and youāre doing great.
Youth/very young adults who make their youth their personality are actually boring people. Adults who pine about their younger days are also boring. Donāt be either! And if it makes you feel any better, I was at my peak ārecklessā right at your age; I got a ālateā start. You have so much time to keep doing fun stuff and most importantly, to figure out what you like and donāt like. Iām in my 30s and Iām going to a friendās rave tomorrow. Ok, itās a well-organized, well-curated event and not some shit-show in the bush, but still. Itās not over for me! Another night, Iāll stay home and pet my cats. Either way, Iām doing whatever the fuck I want. People take up painting or whatever in their 80s. The sooner you get on that vibe, the better.
Ok go have fun!
Jul 11, 2024
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the idea that you can only fuck up and express and be beautiful and destructive and explorative and constructive in your youth is simply a myth. you are going to continue to fuck up and you are going to continue to blossom. there's no linear path and structure on that. even people in their 50's completely change their entire lives. nothing is fixed and there is no path to follow.
your life isn't over until it's over.
this narrative that once you start to age you can no longer explore and express is an oppressive, capitalist, and intentional one. also, it's just not true.
your responsibility doesn't have to be boring or restrictive. the reason why you become more responsible is because you actually care about yourself. irresponsibility isn't the same as freedom. irresponsibility can be "fun" but also destroys you. having more responsibilities to keep yourself safe and cared for isn't the antithesis to fun and life and expression.
your feelings make sense though. in college it's easier to meet people and try new things. but ease doesn't translate to quality or longevity or intrigue. but funny enough, there are 30 year olds now that probably feel the exact same way about you as you feel about the people slightly younger than you.
there is no such thing as free years in terms of spirit.
expression and exploration is available in all forms at all ages. there are always places to go, hikes to walk, friends to laugh with, mistakes to make, good food to eat, art to create, fights to have, things to fail at, lessons to be learned, and love to be felt.
you're only 23. you're about to enter a new chapter of your life where you will fuck up and you will have stories to tell, adventure to explore, feelings to express, and people to love. and that is something that will always be true.
Jul 11, 2024
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mirabelle! congratulations on making it to 16, having an undeveloped brain and going through puberty kinda blows. so i'm proud of you for surviving what might be the weirdest time in your life for self perception, relationships (of any kind), and mood, lols.
i'm 31 now. i'll be 32 this year so i'm twice your age! i could really like go AWFF and give you the full run down of my life story but perhaps i'll save that for another post.
i actually read this book when i was a teenager called Einstein's Dreams. it's about all these different realities where time behaves differently, it's really cool. it made me think a lot about the future! speaking of Eisntein, time is relative. so each year that passes, goes faster than the one before. 1 year of your life when you're 10 is 1/10 of your life. as you get older that fraction gets smaller and smaller and smaller. sometimes a year feels like 6 months. it's wild. i also recommend you read "4,000 weeks time management for mortals" it's not really about time management, it's about changing your perspective so you can live a life!
one thing about life that will always be true no matter what age you are is that it's always going to be messy. you can have your shit together and shit can still go awry. it's how you pick yourself up from that mess and move forward that determines the next phase/step and ultimately the rest of your life!
so your frontal lobe does not develop until your 25. your frontal lobe is responsible for basically making sure that you can move through life with a rational mind. at some point you should google "what is the frontal lobe responsible for" and then give yourself hella grace if you are struggling in some of those areas. i low key wish we didn't go to college until we were 25. you are still SO young in your 20s. i still feel like i'm 27.
when i turned 25, it was like the fog cleared and suddenly i felt calm. i wasn't so angry (still angry but just less angry) as i was when i was much younger. i had a lot to be angry about, my therapist can confirm this.
now this doesn't happen to everyone... but because i'd SEEN some shit when i was younger i have a very different perspective on relationships and the world in general. i dated a really kind, generous, giving man for 10 years from 20-30. when i turned 25 i started really questioning if i should stay in this relationship. he never gave me a huge reason to leave, it was comfortable, safe, and familiar. so i stayed. when i turned 27 things really started to shift. i learned how to properly feed myself so i didn't feel like shit all the time and so my body wouldn't break down and stop working. again, i'd seen and been through some shit as a kid. when my mood improved, i was able to really grow into myself. i started to become the person i dreamed of becoming when i was 8, 9, or 10. i wish i had had the chance to become that person as a teenager, but life doesn't always work like that. and age is dumb and life is (hopefully) long! also if anyone tries to date you that is significantly older than you before you turn 30, RUN.
i realized that most of my decisions i made in my late teens into my 20s were done because (a) i was living in survival mode and (b) i was doing what i thought i "should" be doing.
as a women and a child of shitty parents, i never learned to put myself first. i never learned how to live for joy, i never learned how to listen to my heart, mind, body, and SOUL. i started to realize i had to leave this relationship because i wasn't happy. and that was enough of a reason and arguably the most important.
now i'm rebuilding my life. but, i'm trying to be the person that when i'm 60 (god willing), i'll look back and say thank you for taking care of me and this body and also fuck yeah that's a fucking life!!! those two outcomes don't have to be mutually exclusive.
also adults don't know shit. some adults do and some adults DON'T. some adults never mature beyond middle school. i wish i was kidding. i teach middle school science so i work with kids and parents, i am a reliable source on this. learn how to identify the adults that know what they're talking about and are mature and the ones that don't.
my advice to you as a yung cherub, if i may, is
(1) find your passions and try to make a life out of those passions. or find a job that let's you pay the bills + still follow your passions on the side. this will keep you going.
(2) LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. there is a wisdom so ancient within us. it KNOWS. listen to it, nurture it, thank it.
(3) make as many friends as possible. close ones, acquaintances, party friends, friends you can vent to, friends you can go on walks with, friends you can pick up right where you left off even if you haven't seen them in years. there's this saying that stuck with me -- "we're all just walking each other home" maintaining friendships is the secret sauce that makes life so delicious. the people you keep in your heart are like the stars that light the sky as we walk each other home (corny alert). also connections RULE and can help you get to where you want to go in life! all the rest of it is pretty meaningless. š¤·š»āāļø
so yeah that's about it! i am wishing you an awesome rest of your LIFE!!!! also if you peak in high school and college that's a fucking loooooooong time to be on the decline. stay weird. be different. do you. and love big!
Apr 12, 2025
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Iām about to turn 30 and idk if my 21 year old self would approve of where Iām atābut my 6 year old self sure as hell would!! I think a lot of life is finding your way back to Little You.
Being 21 is so so hard, and in college youāre first starting to see that you canāt judge your progress based on other people. Even though thatās how you were taught to judge yourself up until this point. The things you want now probably wonāt matter to you in a few years, and for me that would have sounded terrifying at 21. But that doesnāt mean the things you want now arenāt important.
You can think of it in terms of tattoos. If you get a tattoo at 16 itās not because you know it will represent you always and foreverāitās to commemorate a moment, a feeling of boldness you wanted to wear proudly. And down the line you donāt look at it with regret, but a softness for that younger part of you. Feel your feelings fully in this moment! Be bold with what you care about! Every age is special.
Practical advice:
Try to listen to your body and not your head. Do I actually like how I feel spending time with this person? Am I going through the motions of this hobby because I think it will service something else? Does xyz come naturally to me, or does it feel forced? No action needed. This exercise isnāt about flipping your life upside down, just take notice of how your body feels in certain situations. Start to notice when youāre in fight or flight versus happy and free. Find the ease and follow it
Jan 25, 2025
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Recently passed a couple license plates with these dealership names on them.
Lexus of Glendale
Nissan of Orange
Beautiful!
Apr 18, 2024
Today was Bat Appreciation Day. If you havenāt done so already, now is the time to appreciate bats. Iāve made it pretty easy with this collage of a few fav bat pics ā please enjoy š
Apr 18, 2025
to reveal a new bird. looks like we have a beautiful osprey for July!
Jul 1, 2024