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ACTUALLY, YES

I knew other people felt this way (now, after finding out why I did) but I've never seen it described so accurately! I'm not saying we are 100% going through the same thing, but I'd give it a 90% chance here based on how much this describes me. for me, it turned out that I had c-ptsd from chronic overstimulation and emotional/medical neglect as a kid - just enough to go under everyone's radar. I am autistic, but my parents were in denial, nobody really "knew" or confirmed it because I was forced and eventually became able to "act normal" despite still being a big bullying target and a little weirdo in private. but beyond the social aspects, these symptoms you've described and what I've felt turned out to be a reaction to something I've forgotten long ago. I was physically looking fine, emotionally seeming okay on the outside (because I shut down outwardly rather than melt down), but I went through repetitive unaccomidated experiences that hurt me in the long run. but I didn't have a big traumatic event I could point to. the physical medical neglect I experienced later was unrelated and more nuanced. and I was surprised when I was working with my therapist and my biggest issues were not single events - but tiny little things that built up over time, every day. the only thing that's helped me actually stop them has been EMDR - but it is a strooong trauma therapy. it's not scary - people without c-ptsd do pretty hardcore processing routinely that's just like it during REM sleep, it's part of dreaming - but I really could only do three sessions before I needed to stop and process how I feel about my life now. but I can walk into school's now without any of the same physical or emotional issues I was having! but before it always felt both nostalgic and bad, like at best exposing myself in a controlled setting. I'm not trying to say you're autistic or have c-ptsd, but that's what it ended up being for me. C-ptsd gives you triggers that make you feel like you have the trauma event of PTSD, but unspeakably so. the best comparison I can make is PTSD is a broken leg you can put in a cast and mostly heal up, while C-PTSD is getting a hammer to your leg every day until it eventually cracks, but you don't even notice it anymore. all you know is that hammers make you feel sick and you're protective of your leg now. triggers feel more abstract and unable to pinpoint. I didn't realize why my triggers were so intense before memories resurfaced about them after EMDR. so if it's intense, I wouldn't nessecarily say you NEED EMDR now, but talking with a trauma therapist isn't such a bad idea. I do believe c-ptsd is underdiagnosed, but also understudied and poorly understood. so I think it's worth asking yourself how intense it is, and a lot of people don't know they deal with it. but you're not alone! I deal with it too 

@flowers

Apr 6, 2025

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a mental health realisation

I recently saw an invoice from last year from my second therapist, diagnosis being "persistent anxiety disorder". After one year of quality therapy and trauma integration my eyes saw the given diagnosis with different eyes. "I can kill my own illness. It's persisting up until my decision." Feels nice for you to be in control.

@alxdimmension

Mar 26, 2025

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strength is not determined by the amount of shit you can take

I’m sure I’ll think of more bc a girl was heavilyyyy in therapy for a few years there 🫡

@mossyelfie

May 28, 2024

Top Recs from @taterhole

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Starting over

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” — Anaïs Nin This is uncharacteristically raw and personal, even for me, and pretty heavy! I know many of you have seen me posting through it and I feel safe to talk about it openly now that I’ve safely landed at the start of my new life. It’s honestly even a little bit embarrassing but I think it’s important to share. I’ve never publicly mentioned it on here, but I have a husband; as of Friday, we’d have been together for 11 years, and we’ve been married for 3 years as of 2/22. I realize now that I wanted to explore what I looked like outside of my relationship with him because I had lost that. This is why PI.FYI has been so meaningful to me as a space to express myself and connect with people—to rediscover my voice. I had been living a lie this entire time, to others but worst of all to myself. He’s been verbally and emotionally abusive, physically but without touching me, to the point that every day I spent with him I was in danger. I’ve been shrinking myself and walking on eggshells to avoid making him insecure and provoking his casual put-downs and fits of rage, while hanging on for dear life to the threads of good I could see. I’ve wanted so badly to leave, more than anything, but I felt like there was no way out and that this was just something I would need to endure indefinitely—but someone who is so very dear to me helped me see that I have wings to fly, not by acting as my savior but by reminding me of my own power. The emotional safety they built and the gentle care they showed me made me feel like I could open up to them. With their encouragement I was brave enough to tell the truth to my friends, my family, my boss, and they have received me with warm, loving and open arms and rallied to support and protect me. The financial and  logistical aspects were the most intimidating to me and it’s going to be tough for a while but I’m going to be better than okay! Now I’m opening up to you. This isn’t the only abuse I’ve suffered in my life, and my old therapist told me she believed it was my mission to share my strength and light with others to inspire them and show them that change is possible. I hope that by sharing this, I can reach even just one person who is going through something similar and show that they are not alone, and they are not weak. People with certain backgrounds may be more vulnerable to abuse, but it can happen to anyone. It thrives in darkness, shame, and isolation—and breaking that silence is the first step toward freedom. Leaving is the scariest thing I have ever done but I have so many angels around me, and I am endlessly grateful. Thank you for being here with me 💌

@taterhole

Mar 16, 2025

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Never changing

My dad teases me about how when I was a little kid, my favorite thing to do when I was on the landline phone with somebody—be it a relative or one of my best friends—was to breathlessly describe the things that were in my bedroom so that they could have a mental picture of everything I loved and chose to surround myself with, and where I sat at that moment in time. Perfectly Imperfect reminds me of that so thanks for always listening and for sharing with me too 💌

@taterhole

Feb 23, 2025

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Finally Quitting the job that you hate

Schedule sent my resignation email for the morning, effective immediately ✅💅

@taterhole

Feb 27, 2025