Rec
i had to learn to let go of those exact questions as well.
although specific romantic situations weren't the main subject, therapy helped with reframing situations like this.
idk about you, but the why 'x' , should i 'y', how will i 'z' questions for me were often assuming some responsibility over what happened.
i think what i (and maybe you) needed to find out is why a fleeting connection upset me. - did an interraction/ghosting make me feel insecure about my personality/looks?
- am i genuinely sad to be losing this person?
- am i missing the attention? (/did i think they were giving me something i can't [spoiler: you can] give myself?)
( +extra why do i value their opinion [that i made up in my head because they never actually communicated it] of me more than my own?)
i believe most of these ghosting (-like) situations don't necessarily have as much depth. more than likely the ghoster hasn't made up an enormously morbid and horrendous picture of you in their head that made them uninterested. i don't know if you met through a dating app but it's especially easy to lose connection on there. there are some really cool and genuine people on there but very many humans like the rush of meeting someone new and once it's not giving them as much of the yummy brain chemicals they want the next thing. effort seems like a currency and unfortunately some run pretty low on those funds and periodicaly i do too (which is when i stop using the apps and save mine and others' time too). and then of course there are personal reasons but anyway.
i try to look at brief connections like that as some warm up for someone really cool that's gonna come into my life and be grateful that it happened whatever way things turned out.
might be cool to write out some things that you are glad you experienced, things you learned about relationships and most importantly some things you learned about yourself! i believe each person teaches something to you both about themselves and yourself, kinda like some sort of spiritual exchange
tldr: - try not to assume responsibilty - find out why it bothers you - write down what you learned about yourself
idk about you, but the why 'x' , should i 'y', how will i 'z' questions for me were often assuming some responsibility over what happened.
i think what i (and maybe you) needed to find out is why a fleeting connection upset me. - did an interraction/ghosting make me feel insecure about my personality/looks?
- am i genuinely sad to be losing this person?
- am i missing the attention? (/did i think they were giving me something i can't [spoiler: you can] give myself?)
( +extra why do i value their opinion [that i made up in my head because they never actually communicated it] of me more than my own?)
i believe most of these ghosting (-like) situations don't necessarily have as much depth. more than likely the ghoster hasn't made up an enormously morbid and horrendous picture of you in their head that made them uninterested. i don't know if you met through a dating app but it's especially easy to lose connection on there. there are some really cool and genuine people on there but very many humans like the rush of meeting someone new and once it's not giving them as much of the yummy brain chemicals they want the next thing. effort seems like a currency and unfortunately some run pretty low on those funds and periodicaly i do too (which is when i stop using the apps and save mine and others' time too). and then of course there are personal reasons but anyway.
i try to look at brief connections like that as some warm up for someone really cool that's gonna come into my life and be grateful that it happened whatever way things turned out.
might be cool to write out some things that you are glad you experienced, things you learned about relationships and most importantly some things you learned about yourself! i believe each person teaches something to you both about themselves and yourself, kinda like some sort of spiritual exchange
tldr: - try not to assume responsibilty - find out why it bothers you - write down what you learned about yourself
Jul 21, 2024
Comments (3)
actually don't know if i answered your question at all, but i felt like talking lol
it's mostly personal exp or thoughts so take (or leave) whatever you find worthy
loopsie wow, thank you for taking the time to share this with me! going to dissect the shit out of this during my next journaling sesh.
meeting myself before and during when I meet others ⊠cool concept
đ©·
Jul 22, 2024
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Rec
đ»ghosting in the way we discuss it in popular culture isnât real. people yak and yak about how you have to communicate if a fling isnât working for you or youâll hurt someoneâs feelings; well, not responding to a text is a form of communication, and hurting someoneâs feelings is just going to happen in dating. you donât owe your time and some lame explanation to someone youâre not in a relationship with when the chemistry isnât there.
i donât say that to be a cynic or one of these âyou are the only person in this world who actually mattersâ LA narcissists, but we are all way too beholden to each other and obsessed with being available to the point of self-harm.
when i am just starting to talk to someone and they apologize profusely for not texting back quickly, i feel really sad. why do we all feel like we have to be waiting by the phone, obligated to every person who wants to get a hold of us and shackled to responding like itâs a job? why is going to lunch with a friend and not looking at your phone suddenly something you need to apologize for? thatâs not real human connection - that is a new, sick expectation manifesting as guilt, based on accursed technology that allows us to constantly be in contact when we shouldnât be.
i hooked up with someone recently and went on one additional date, but we didnât really connect that much and there just wasnât chemistry between us, so the next time they texted asking about a date i didnât respond.
i was overcome with this weird shame afterward based on this arbitrary concept that has popped up in the cultural zeitgeist. i felt like i owed this person who i had very little chemistry with some kind of explanation of why i didnât think it would work out, and i felt like i was doing something wrong because i didnât want to talk to this person about something as basic as âthe vibe wasnât there.â
rejection hurts, and ghosting is a form of rejection. itâs also completely valid. nobody owes me an explanation if they donât feel like the date was good. nobody owes me constant communication. i am so tired of people feeling like they have to apologize for not being on their phone texting me back every second of the day. yeah, âghostingâ causes negative feelings. so does any form of rejection. you donât owe someone you werenât in a relationship with closure. not responding is the rejection and that is closure enough.
i donât say that to be a cynic or one of these âyou are the only person in this world who actually mattersâ LA narcissists, but we are all way too beholden to each other and obsessed with being available to the point of self-harm.
when i am just starting to talk to someone and they apologize profusely for not texting back quickly, i feel really sad. why do we all feel like we have to be waiting by the phone, obligated to every person who wants to get a hold of us and shackled to responding like itâs a job? why is going to lunch with a friend and not looking at your phone suddenly something you need to apologize for? thatâs not real human connection - that is a new, sick expectation manifesting as guilt, based on accursed technology that allows us to constantly be in contact when we shouldnât be.
i hooked up with someone recently and went on one additional date, but we didnât really connect that much and there just wasnât chemistry between us, so the next time they texted asking about a date i didnât respond.
i was overcome with this weird shame afterward based on this arbitrary concept that has popped up in the cultural zeitgeist. i felt like i owed this person who i had very little chemistry with some kind of explanation of why i didnât think it would work out, and i felt like i was doing something wrong because i didnât want to talk to this person about something as basic as âthe vibe wasnât there.â
rejection hurts, and ghosting is a form of rejection. itâs also completely valid. nobody owes me an explanation if they donât feel like the date was good. nobody owes me constant communication. i am so tired of people feeling like they have to apologize for not being on their phone texting me back every second of the day. yeah, âghostingâ causes negative feelings. so does any form of rejection. you donât owe someone you werenât in a relationship with closure. not responding is the rejection and that is closure enough.
Jan 29, 2024
Rec
đhad times where me and the other person werenât really in each otherâs lives before dating so there wasnât an existing shared community or anything to keep us in proximity to each other. kinda just follow those folks lightly on socials now but donât really keep in touch. net zero not the worst.
had one time where the romantic relationship really didnât work out, just lack of compatibility and not being what the other person needed, but the emotional connection and proximity/availability kept us both coming back to each other to maintain the relationship platonically. kind of resulted in a messy situation where boundaries were unclear and that just lead to more hurt and confusion than had we dealt with being apart and feeling alone in the moment and then come back together as friends after letting time pass. ultimately ended up cutting that person out of my life entirely after moving away and realizing in retrospect that I had allowed this person to violate a lot of my personal boundaries for the sake of feeling like I had someone I could confide in, and that they were taking advantage of me being a pushover to feel wanted/not alone.
all this to say, ask yourself: what is it that this person brings to your life outside of what comes exclusively from the romantic aspect of the relationship? if this person was simply available to you to spend time together, seek company from existing friends, or find a new community to be a part of. if this person was a close confidant and understood you in a way you felt seen by, maybe practice more vulnerability with your current friends/family/whoever and ask yourself what it is that makes you feel seen/appreciated in those relationships? seek that out! in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, itâs going to seem like there is no one else that can take the space that person is leaving. but that doesnât have to be the case, and investing in the non-romantic relationships you already have can address the valid needs that you have and strengthen your existing connections. romantic love is important, but other forms of love are just as fulfilling and crucial to your thriving! maybe with time you will come to notice that this person had something you value nonromantically and hopefully yâall can find a new place for each other in your lives, and that can be very rewarding! or maybe you will realize this person met certain unaddressed needs in the moment that you can find in other relationships. donât feel the need to keep em around if thatâs the case.
all this to say, ask yourself: what is it that this person brings to your life outside of what comes exclusively from the romantic aspect of the relationship? if this person was simply available to you to spend time together, seek company from existing friends, or find a new community to be a part of. if this person was a close confidant and understood you in a way you felt seen by, maybe practice more vulnerability with your current friends/family/whoever and ask yourself what it is that makes you feel seen/appreciated in those relationships? seek that out! in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, itâs going to seem like there is no one else that can take the space that person is leaving. but that doesnât have to be the case, and investing in the non-romantic relationships you already have can address the valid needs that you have and strengthen your existing connections. romantic love is important, but other forms of love are just as fulfilling and crucial to your thriving! maybe with time you will come to notice that this person had something you value nonromantically and hopefully yâall can find a new place for each other in your lives, and that can be very rewarding! or maybe you will realize this person met certain unaddressed needs in the moment that you can find in other relationships. donât feel the need to keep em around if thatâs the case.
Mar 12, 2024
Rec
đ§A little personal, but being non-binary, I grew up very dissociated from my body and my time, so I donât remember a good chunk of my formative years and have retained none of my hobbies. Recently tho, I have been trying to piece myself back together, so I have been spending a lot of time on my own. Another thing about me is that I have crushes everywhere I go, so I spend a lot of time loving others. After breaking-up with an ex that made me feel very neglected qnd unappreciated, I decided that I was going to give myself as much love and attention as I give my crushes and lovers. This has changed me.
I just let myself feel my feelings and get carried away by them. I get myself little treats and flowers, I get myself little treats and gifts. I organize little fun dates/plans for myself where I engage in new hobbies. Small manageable things that donât feel too overwhelming to learn, like decorating Altoids tins with collage or journaling. By letting myself navigate the world through my feelings, Iâve discovered what I like, dislike, and developed little rituals and habits that I can then tell other about and share.
Social media has helped me that way, surprisingly. I treat my instagram like a scrap book and use it to document my feelings with shitposts and photos; the visual story telling makes me appreciate the little things. Pinterest allows me to collect things I like and develop a taste with no effort and no consequences, and I end up with huge pin boards full of pictures and art I love and that make me feel particular things I can name and explore. This app has been good for that too.
It takes time, love, self-compassion, and trust. Trust that the love others give you is legitimate. Trust that you are liked for a genuine reason. Trust that the mundane is magical by itself, love it for that. Trust that you donât need to be special to be worthy of love, you can just be a person and thatâs really cool <3
I just let myself feel my feelings and get carried away by them. I get myself little treats and flowers, I get myself little treats and gifts. I organize little fun dates/plans for myself where I engage in new hobbies. Small manageable things that donât feel too overwhelming to learn, like decorating Altoids tins with collage or journaling. By letting myself navigate the world through my feelings, Iâve discovered what I like, dislike, and developed little rituals and habits that I can then tell other about and share.
Social media has helped me that way, surprisingly. I treat my instagram like a scrap book and use it to document my feelings with shitposts and photos; the visual story telling makes me appreciate the little things. Pinterest allows me to collect things I like and develop a taste with no effort and no consequences, and I end up with huge pin boards full of pictures and art I love and that make me feel particular things I can name and explore. This app has been good for that too.
It takes time, love, self-compassion, and trust. Trust that the love others give you is legitimate. Trust that you are liked for a genuine reason. Trust that the mundane is magical by itself, love it for that. Trust that you donât need to be special to be worthy of love, you can just be a person and thatâs really cool <3
