A) I’m sorry that happened, that’s an insensitive thing to joke about and it reflects poorly on their character, I’m sure it sucked to hear. I know that having peace/civility with roommates is important, and that it can feel crappy to be the one that voices discomfort when everyone else seems okay with it. B) You don’t have to go out of your way to address it, but if it comes up again, you can always say ā€œI’m not comfortable talking about a classmate this wayā€ — that isn’t a judgement about them, it’s just you announcing a personal choice. The lever of social shame should remind them that if you’re uncomfortable with it, maybe they should be as well. But also, it’s okay if you’re not comfortable saying that— you aren’t responsible for reminding other people to be kind, and it’s okay to choose your battles in a shared living space.
Aug 29, 2024

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šŸŽÆ
this situation happens a lot whenever i get a new job, so i’ve had to do this a lot unfortunately. i find that its easiest just to be honest and straightforward. i think slipping it into a conversation helps it to be less awkward, too. for example, u guys r talking normally, and then they refer to u as the wrong pronoun. i acknowledge what they are saying, and then usually follow up with: ā€œoh, btw, im a boyā€ or ā€œalso, just so u know, i go by he/himā€. and before the person gets embarrassed or feels the need to apologize a lot, i immediately follow that up with saying something like: ā€œim just telling u now so there’s no confusion later on, sorry if this is kind of awkward hahaā€ usually when you apologize first, the other person will feel the need to say something like ā€œoh it’s ok no worries!ā€ that way, their brain tricks them into forgetting that they were the ones who had originally made the mistake, and it kind of alleviates the awkwardness from their side of things. also u acknowledging that this is an awkward conversation helps the other person to feel less alone in the awkwardness. this is just how i do things, but u know ur relationship with this person more than me, so just do what feels most natural to u! overall, its kind of impossible to avoid being awkward with correcting someone, so just acting like it’s no big deal helps the other person to feel better, too. hope that helps and good luck šŸ«¶šŸ›
Mar 20, 2025
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friendly reminder that it’s no one’s responsibility to ~guess~ your feelings
Oct 2, 2024
šŸŽ‚
gender reveal meme in the chat? or a cake would probably go over smoothly? having someone who knows ur pronouns and uses them correctly in this friends presence is a subtle way to let them know but would probably still warrant a discussion afterwards, alternatively; i dont say this lightly but its usually best for u and for them to just be upfront and casually let them know about the misstep:) If they continue to feel awkward after that its on them but u can still have an open discussion if u feel its unresolved? sincerity is important in a solid friendship
Mar 20, 2025

Top Recs from @nadiyaelyse

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Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way— that’s really crummy, and I’m sure that once you feel that way everything feels like confirmation of being unspecial. But in a very very real way, you might be bored with yourself because you know yourself so well— other people don’t know you. You could walk into a bar or a cafe or an event and you would be new to at least one person there. If you feel like you aren’t interesting conversationally, are you a good listener? In a very honest way, the people I’ve found hottest and most intriguing are always good listeners, and people who are quiet and incisive. It’s okay if you don’t talk on and on; a lot of ā€œinterestingā€ people are just filling space with noise. Noise is always briefly exciting or interesting, but that doesn’t mean it has substance or adds value. Trust me on this, I’m a performer and frankly so many nights I’m just making noise. So first piece of advice is, approach yourself as if you were a stranger— look at everything about you like you’ve never ever seen it before, and start to notice what you like. Then build on those things. Like, it’s okay if you hate your clothes, but do you have one jacket/shirt/earring that you love? Wear that so much, and slowly look out for pieces that make you feel like the thing you love— it’s okay if it takes time, the outfits that make me feel dynamic are all cobbled together from stuff I found over years. Then look at other people, what do you find interesting about them? I am a knockoff of every woman I ever thought was cool— my summer camp counselor, my gender studies TA from my first year of college, my mom, and literally everyone else. That’s okay though, mimicking what you like is a way of developing your taste, and you will put yourself together in a way that’s a little different and totally your own. It’s okay if it takes time— sometimes we have seasons where we don’t like ourselves a ton, but they do pass, and who you will be in a year is a brand new person— you haven’t met them yet, and you might love them. Tiny practical advice? Go for walks; it’s good for your body, it releases endorphins, and it gives you a chance to people watch/observe nature. Read something small; it can be a single poem, or an essay, or a children’s book— I love Howl’s Moving Castle and if I’m feeling stuck in a rut I read that, even though it’s a children’s book. If reading isn’t your thing watch a movie or a TV episode, but whatever you consume, watch it and take notes, like youā€˜re a secret critic— note what you liked, whether it’s costumes or language or the vibe, and what you didn’t, and then you can find more things like it— that’s how you develop your own taste, and it’s a good way to develop language around art and media. All critics and essayists and everyone whose job is to write interestingly about art started with shit they liked in middle school, and built on that to find their own language— you can do that too. Sorry for the hugely long post, but I promise that you are more interesting than you give yourself credit for, and there are people in the world who will see that.
Feb 19, 2024
šŸ¤
This was really impactful for me; the analogy is, your life/your heart is a room (or an apartment, a space, etc) and relationships are all about inviting people into that room. Intimacy is letting them into the room and knowing that they might touch stuff, move furniture around, or change the way you’ve laid the room out. Transparency is letting people see the room, but keeping a glass between them and the space— they can see, but not touch. I think relationally we all have impulses toward transparency instead of intimacy, and it’s easy to say ā€œI let you look at my room, that was intimacy,ā€ while maintaining the glass that separates people from the room. Be intimate! Let people pick up the tchotchkes in your heart and move the furniture.
May 28, 2024
šŸ”Œ
I like to let my phone die— I often don’t charge it overnight, and try not to plug it in during the day. If you’re able to access work/school through only your laptop, let your phone die, or leave it on the plug in another room. I also delete most apps from my phone for periods of weeks, and minimally use social media— if this works for you, it can feel very liberating, and makes me feel much less constantly accessible (which I think is a good thing). Something that helps me is thinking about the flattening of correspondence; before social media, if you wanted to communicate to a friend, it was one-on-one— you might write a letter, or call, or email, but what you were doing was conversational and relational. When we use social media, we flatten a lot of individual relationships into one relationship between us and our ā€œaudience.ā€ Instead of sharing a thought or comment intended for one person, and designed for them to reply and continue the correspondence, we put out press releases on our own lives: ā€œthis is what I had for breakfast,ā€ ā€œthis is a meme about my mental health,ā€ and we become part of a passive audience in our friend’s lives. We end up feeling like we’ve just seen our friends, because we’re ā€œviewingā€ their lives, but actually apps leave us feeling very isolated and anti-social. Try deleting your most used social media apps, and also schedule a walk/movie night/coffee with a friend. Outside of radical deletion, pick an audio book to listen to, and pair it with a hands on/tactile activity: you could load the dishwasher, or draw, or try embroidery.
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