He was in eighth grade; I was in sixth grade. We were in our middle school performance of Into the Woods Jr. together (I played Jackāyes I brought the house down with my rendition of Giants in the Skyāand he played the Baker). He called me Smurf because I got blue paint on my face when we were painting sets.
He was like five feet tall with a mushroom haircut and loved Bob Dylan and would sit out in front of the car drop off area in the mornings with a little handmade poster protesting the Iraq war which I was also precociously passionate about. Once we were at a sight reading competition off campus (I played viola and he was a cellist) and he pulled a foil wrapped burrito out of his pants pocket and ate it and then folded it into a plane. He was my second biggest customer for choir fundraising candybars (my biggest customer was myself I actually ended up eating basically the whole case).
Also a boy named Nick who was assigned as my stand partner in orchestra his first day as a transfer student. I accidentally jabbed him in the eye with my bow shortly after meeting him and apologized profusely, to which he said, āitās okay. Thatās my blind eyeā (not a joke he had cataracts in childhood). we then grew to hate each other with every passing day and would bicker and argue constantly about our ideological opinions on random things. I got called into the principals office for bullying him after I threw paper balls at him but I assured them the conflict was mutual. He had long curly hair and carried a Che Guevara bag and was always scowling just like me š«¶ I eventually realized that I didnāt hate him; I had a crush on him and saw him as an intellectual equal. Middle school is so hardā¦
Pretty much every other crush I had after that was a sick depraved degenerate but I was infatuated nonetheless. in one particular case the obsession was mutual and went on for years and even across the sea and I ended up in a demented love triangle, breaking up two best friends, and ultimately being cyber stalked... Not really iconic mostly just toxic lol š
Oct 8, 2024
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I was very unapproachable and emitted a foul hostile energy that repelled any boys with good sense in high school who may have otherwise been attracted to me. But there was one boy, S., who really liked me (my mother told me recently: āI could tell that boy had no self-respect for dating youā LOL and sheās so right).
I loathed him and found him to be so profoundly irritating and utterly lacking in refinement or taste but he tried his best to win me over by constantly assaulting me with his boisterous and animated presence. Unfortunately, I was on the court for my cousinās quinceanera and needed a date, so I finally bit, having no other options and needing to RSVP several months in advance of the date of the event with the name of my āescort.ā
We started dating before then because why not. My friends threw a surprise birthday party for me at my neighborhood park and after singing happy birthday to me, they all started chanting at me in unison to kiss S., so we went behind a tree for privacy and complied. All I really remember is that his mouth tasted like a burger exactly like the Wet Hot American Summer quote.
This lanky string bean of a young man legitimately only ate pizza and hamburgers and only drank Dr. Pepper (I recently heard that he had come down with gout and I can see why). He had a giant collection of dirty Converse shoes, which he kept in a pile and wore to the exclusion of all other footwear, and he called them Chucks.
He would write me love letters and I would correct the grammar and syntax in red pen and return them to him. He would talk about the children we were going to have someday and tell me that the song āMaybe I'm Amazedā by Paul McCartney made him think of me; I would tell him that I donāt think teenagers can experience real love. I convinced him to grow a beard to hide his off-putting pointy chin that made him look exactly like the tragedy and comedy masks ābecause it just looks so much betterā which he has not shaved since. š
He ended up having an emotional affair with a pizza delivery girl from Oregon who was probably a catfish on the forums for the television show Psych (which he was obsessed with), which hurt my ego more than anything. After the breakup I burned all of the drawings and handmade gifts he had given me in a barbecue grill. I hope heās found a sweet simpleton who treats him well and gives him what he needs. Thatās the story of my evil past and the boy who gave me my first kiss.
Oct 16, 2024
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I was a bit of a menace in elementary school. I was very hyperactive and restless and had some authority issues, and on top of that just generally didnāt fit in well with a lot of my peers. the friends I did have all belonged to the same sort of social misfit group as me, and alex was one of these friends. he was a pretty edgy kid and probably had some anger issues looking back on it. his home life was also a bit rough, I think one of his parents had some serious medical issues. he was also a jewish kid in a exceedingly waspy environment and was new to the school, so there were a lot of reasons he probably felt othered there.
he and I used to play together at recess every day with two girls and pretend like we were the characters in the Spiderwick Chronicles, collecting weird rocks and cicada wings and pretending like they were goblin teeth and fairy wings. alex and I would also hang out after school sometimes, usually at his house because he had Halo and Call of Duty and I wasnāt allowed to have violent video games at home. sometimes weād sneak into construction sites of houses that were still being built and just mess around. weād go up on the roofs and sit and talk for a while, getting about as ādeepā as a conversation between 9 year olds could be. mostly it was commiserating about feeling out of place and talking about which girls we liked.
eventually we had some kind of falling out, I forget exactly what happened but I seem to recall that there was some tension over us both liking the same girl. my mom also thought he was a bad influence so she stopped sending me to playdates at his place. I think we both went to the same middle school and high school but ran in very different circles, so we didnāt interact at all after elementary school.
years later I looked him up on socials out of curiosity and found out that he had become a radical zionist and I think he was a part of one of those programs where foreigners can volunteer for the IDF. i think he moved there and now is working for a non-profit supporting the IDF. Iām personally ideologically aligned entirely on the other side of the spectrum from him, but thinking on it now it makes sense to me how someone who grew up feeling alienated would be attracted to the zionist narrative. still itās crazy to me how differently peopleās lives can play out despite at one point sharing similar environments
May 27, 2024
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I was sixteen, we had met at a High School Model UN taking place in University for a week long.
She arrived late and I fell for her as soon as she walked in. Throughout the week I would soon discover she was the funniest and most charming person there.
Our sessions were modeled after WHO and the theme was suicide prevantion, we all cried in the last few days because everyone had a personal connection with the topic, and it was so intense. Me and her would bond in between sessions and for the last day I brough her a brownie, but ants had taken over the sweet treat before it could reach her.
We started seeing each other afterwards. Our first kiss was right after a play I was doing and she had come to watch. It was after everyone had already left, and it was just the two of us in front of my school's gate. My face still had a bit of white clown paint I had tried to clean in a rush, but she still held my face close and we kissed. It was stiff and awkward, I still had to get home early to study for a presentation I had the next day, and hadn't even started to research for, but ultimate it was warm and lovely.
We dated for a few months but I had to move and ended up difting apart.
Mar 17, 2025
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āLife shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.ā
ā AnaĆÆs Nin
This is uncharacteristically raw and personal, even for me, and pretty heavy! I know many of you have seen me posting through it and I feel safe to talk about it openly now that Iāve safely landed at the start of my new life. Itās honestly even a little bit embarrassing but I think itās important to share.
Iāve never publicly mentioned it on here, but I have a husband; as of Friday, weād have been together for 11 years, and weāve been married for 3 years as of 2/22. I realize now that I wanted to explore what I looked like outside of my relationship with him because I had lost that. This is why PI.FYI has been so meaningful to me as a space to express myself and connect with peopleāto rediscover my voice.
I had been living a lie this entire time, to others but worst of all to myself. Heās been verbally and emotionally abusive, physically but without touching me, to the point that every day I spent with him I was in danger. Iāve been shrinking myself and walking on eggshells to avoid making him insecure and provoking his casual put-downs and fits of rage, while hanging on for dear life to the threads of good I could see.
Iāve wanted so badly to leave, more than anything, but I felt like there was no way out and that this was just something I would need to endure indefinitelyābut someone who is so very dear to me helped me see that I have wings to fly, not by acting as my savior but by reminding me of my own power. The emotional safety they built and the gentle care they showed me made me feel like I could open up to them. With their encouragement I was brave enough to tell the truth to my friends, my family, my boss, and they have received me with warm, loving and open arms and rallied to support and protect me. The financial andĀ logistical aspects were the most intimidating to me and itās going to be tough for a while but Iām going to be better than okay!
Now Iām opening up to you. This isnāt the only abuse Iāve suffered in my life, and my old therapist told me she believed it was my mission to share my strength and light with others to inspire them and show them that change is possible.
I hope that by sharing this, I can reach even just one person who is going through something similar and show that they are not alone, and they are not weak. People with certain backgrounds may be more vulnerable to abuse, but it can happen to anyone. It thrives in darkness, shame, and isolationāand breaking that silence is the first step toward freedom.
Leaving is the scariest thing I have ever done but I have so many angels around me, and I am endlessly grateful. Thank you for being here with me š
Mar 16, 2025
My dad teases me about how when I was a little kid, my favorite thing to do when I was on the landline phone with somebodyābe it a relative or one of my best friendsāwas to breathlessly describe the things that were in my bedroom so that they could have a mental picture of everything I loved and chose to surround myself with, and where I sat at that moment in time. Perfectly Imperfect reminds me of that so thanks for always listening and for sharing with me too š
Feb 23, 2025
Schedule sent my resignation email for the morning, effective immediately ā
š
Feb 27, 2025