As I grew up I always read stories of people accomplishing amazing things and world firsts. I’d read that some virtuosos started practicing at 10, some 11, some 12 etc etc, and with each year that I grew the amount of things I could start and become the best at slowly decreased.
Now I after a stint in chemical engineering I am studying psychology and I couldn’t be happier. My want for uniqueness and appraisal, shifted to a desire to be truly helpful to people and for that I am so greatful.
Oct 19, 2024
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I’m not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of people’s confused delusions of grandeur because they didn’t realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day he’s my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but I’ve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isn’t what I want at all, so I’m reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but I’m also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so I’m going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but I’m trying to actualize and find purpose… Something something Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
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been feeling v compelled lately to practice self-respect in the form of dedicating time and energy into honing my creative skills despite the loathsome grind of my 8 - 5 job.
i spent a lot of time and money and emotional energy to get the job i have now and i don't hate what i do but i do know that there's more to all of this beautiful life than playing it safe and getting sucked into a monotonous cycle.
loving and respecting myself means devoting myself to my higher aspirations. deep down i know my soul glows brightest when i create and i'm seen thru that work.
i'm on a ferocious pursuit to brighten that glow every day and i hope you are too if you feel that same impulse.
Feb 13, 2024
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you carry deep longings, creative promises, ancient whispers
you carry greatness
you want to tap into it, you want to access it now,
you want to have arrived, to be the fullest you that you will ever be
but some of that inner gold can only be found on the other side of crucibles
in the aftermath of fires that will form you
through suffering
so embrace it all: the soaring heights and gold medals and the seasons of desert darkness,
let it make you who you truly are, let it burn away the falseness and posturing and people-pleasing,
savor every moment
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But to the question — how did I figure out what I wanted to do and be?
I haven't really yet. No idea where I'll be in a decade.
But if I can figure out the next right thing today, that which is true and good, that which is marked by love and care for community, then my path is probably illuminated just long enough for me to take the right next step.
Q to You: what makes your heart soar?
4d ago
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There’s a paddock near me with wild horses and my little horse sometimes musters up the courage to say hello
Oct 24, 2024
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You mean I get a warm yummy comfort drink without the horrors of caffeinated anxiety. Sign me up!
Oct 17, 2024
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Scooped cereal into my mouth and found an overwhelming presence of raisins. Scooped again to rectify the serial-raisin ratio.
More raisins have thwarted me.
If a mouth full of raisins is my fate then I will chew.
Nov 8, 2024