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Finally booked that doctor appointment I've been avoiding for a while, now I just have to goā¦
Being an adult it's made sometimes of just these routinely obligations that you could come to see as boring but this one is straight-up anxiety inducing for me. But as Kierkegaard said (probably not in this exact words) it's better to know that not to know. I'm so chill about this. :)))))
Jan 17, 2025
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From the nervous of waiting, not sleeping and fasting. Today knocked me out. Luckily the ultrasound showed nothing serious šš¼ š®āšØ.
As the technician was checking everything I thought of a few struggles with adulting/getting older:
1. Anything with/on/in the body becomes a scare. Get checked out right away!
2. The nervous system takes forever to recover.
Be kind with yourself in intense moments and find ways to ground yourself.
3. Make time to work outā¦. (the recommendation from the technician today...)
May 11, 2024
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I feel powerful. And all I did was go to the doctors office.
Dec 20, 2024
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Last night I got a sleep study and it wasnāt easy, but it was important that I do it and now itās done!
Apr 2, 2024
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It pains me to be here. It pains me to have become this person. It pains me to know Iāve spent all of my life chasing something that was never meant for me, knowing Iāve wasted twenty two years of my life for this. Oh honey you deserve it. Thatās all I hear because so many people warned me, so many didnāt believe I was good enough and I made it my life mission to prove them wrong. My high school friends never thought I would enter medical school, my science teacher in high school told me the first day to quit. And I proved them wrong I guess but what is left of me. All my life I needed to be good enough to justify all that my parents gave up for me, to justify all that I sacrificed. All my life I needed to be good enough to deserve love. I constructed all my life around the idea of being perfect for others to regret their words or for others to think I was worth loving, existing. So iām here now with nothing that is mine, without goals that werenāt first my parentsā, without love for myself that wasnāt first validation from strangers.Ā
Now I see people making a life for themselves. People who seemed so far behind me once upon a time, built a life for themselves without misery. They grew up while I was stuck here, miserable just like when I was a sixteen. What happened?Ā
What do I do now? I feel so fragile, so aimless, so spoiled, so ruined. All I ever did was being a good student. I am an adult now and itās not enough anymore, I cannot hide behind books anymore. And when I took a breath I was left behind, cannot start again because if I donāt have the admiration of other people what do I have? Once I might have loved medicine.
But I donāt have it in me, the vocation to be a doctor and, after realising it, I stayed anyways. How I can come back from that? I donāt know how to begin again from nothing. All I know is Iām unhappy here, Iām unhappy with the person Iāve become. All I know is that Iām searching for the courage to disappoint myself.
I hope my mother can forgive me, didnāt make her proud
Mar 29, 2025
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one of my old faves, back in high school I was really angry and this song channeled all that frustration
Jan 14, 2025
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I have many favourites (I wasnāt an ipad kid I was a tv kid) and I know they are not exactly the most prestigious tv shows but they are always meaningful, at least to me lol.
Raising Hope
Please like me
Buffy the vampire slayer
Donāt trust the b- in apartment 23
Jan 21, 2025