♠️
i was a theater kid growing up. i loved it for a long time, it felt right to express myself through song and dance, but it felt like such a chore when i got older. i hated the idea of performing something i couldn't relate to and doing things that felt so incredibly mundane and uninteresting. truly, i had lost my real voice trying to do whatever everyone was telling me to.
last night, i had the opportunity to sing live in front of a live audience for the first time in four years. it was incredible. i got to share with complete strangers a song that means so much to me, in an outfit and a makeup look i designed all by myself, surrounded by 8 other amazing performers. it was the most genuine, fufilling and vulnerable feeling i've experienced in so long, and it was so cathartic. i felt respected for what i love doing.
all that is to say: it's corny, but it's worth it to push aside the opinions of others and just do whatever you want. people really do crave the vulnerability in that.
thanks for listening :)
Jan 19, 2025
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It’s scary to share your art, especially when you put so much of yourself in it
it’s scary to be vulnerable and to be judged for the work that you do
But at the end of the day, you make your art for yourself, and people sharing in that is just a bonus
I am nervous and terrified whenever I release new music, whenever I get up on stage, whenever I put anything new into the world, especially when it has my face, my name or my voice attached to it
But honestly, as long as I like the work that I’ve done, then everything else is secondary
Apr 27, 2024
🎵
Throughout my whole life, I had awful music teachers. I had a piano teacher that made me sit on my hands because he was frustrated with the way I played scales and a music teacher in primary/middle school that gave me so many anxiety attacks that my doctor finally gave me a note so I didn’t have to go anymore.
I was told so many times throughout my life that I had no music talent, discouraged from going further than scales but all of those people (teachers!!!!) were wrong. They just couldnt fathom that I had a different musical brain than them.
When I was 23, I ended up having to move back home from LA after my job rescinded their promise to sponsor me for a visa. I was depressed and heartbroken and lonely. I went to school for writing but didn’t want to write anymore so I ended up opening GarageBand on my iPad.
I was inspired by all the things I could do on it. I suddenly felt like I was entering a new world. After making a couple beats, I started moving everything over to the laptop version of GarageBand. I bought big headphones, a cheap usb mic and a keyboard off of a guy from Craigslist and continued to tinker. One of my favorite things to do at the time was to download karaoke midi tracks of popular songs I loved, import them into GarageBand and change the instrument until I felt like I was making something new. I would then use my shitty mic to wail on top of it.
I used GarageBand for years after that to make tons of songs that I just uploaded to SoundCloud without thinking about it much. Eventually I got a controller/sampler and access to Ableton and thats when the fun really started.
My love for music making snowballed after that, I amassed more gear and skill and eventually made an album after a couple years. I was obsessed with making it and while I feel really whatever about it now, I don’t feel whatever about the experience.
Music has allowed me space to express parts of me that there are no words for. The best thing I can impart is to take advantage of this. There are some things that you can only explain with a kick drum or a sine wave or a really hard bassline.
Music is still a huge part of me! I made another album after that first and now I’m working on my next project. I recently reincarnated myself (everyone in the ~industry~ advised against this but I’m a different person now) and I’m excited to see what’s in store for me. I don’t expect to make money or become famous but music feeds my soul in a way nothing else can.
Have fun!!
May 4, 2024
The new year has arrived. The same year I told myself and everyone with earssssssssS that I was going to use to change my life. I'll make music again, I'll take better care of myself, I'll stop working in hospitality. I hope I will do all that I've said, although my current unemployment has led me to have the job site search for barista sitting at the tips of my bored fingers.
How does someone who's been off stage for 4 years (basically 5) and totally out of the habit of practising, jump back into it? I don't have the answer to that but I intend to find out this month, what that is going to take.
For now, I will concentrate on inspiration. I'll listen to powerful female vocalists and see where I want to fit. I have no intentions to be famous or even known on a larger scale than a local open mic night. Music is my heart, singing is what feels like the core of my soul. I have gotten into the habit of distancing myself from the people and things that I love, strangely since I found the romantic love I was (some may say, desperately) searching for.
To honouring who I was and learning how to be who I've become.
Jan 8, 2025
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Apr 9, 2025
i met this sweet and shy puppy for the second time yesterday. she was abused by a previous owner and in turn has a very reserved personality. she glides around slowly and has these soulful, calm eyes that she rarely lifts from the floor.
out of the blue, she sat beside me and pushed her small head against my palm, wanting to be pet. i damn near CRIED! she's never been this sweet to me. what a wonderful soul.
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wanted to make a mace out of one of those spiky seed pods, and put it stretching down the outside of my arm so it would bend and move with my elbow. what do we think chat?
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