my friend has left me alone on the table for HALF AN HOUR because she is poop shy and canāt poop because thereās a group of girls that wonāt stop yapping in the bathrooms. she is a hostage in her own toilet stall.
please think of the IBS girlies.
I know y'all have a crippling addiction to bubblegum flavored toxins but some of us are really just trying to take a shit in peace. And then you have the audacity to glare at me like I've done something wrong by entering the bathroom when y'all are the ones who're crouched on the piss covered floor in a circle sniffing sewage just for the chance to get lung cancer a couple years earlier than the rest of us. Booooooooooo. Booooooooo. Do you hear that? We're booing you. Nobody thinks you're cool.
tried reading dante alighieriās inferno. key emphasis on tried. i got bored and realised a story written in poem form is not my typa beat.
i tried because it seemed like what all the indie hipsters who are well versed would read, and that i would look cool and nicheābut it just cost me $25.
i prefer crazy detailed paragraphs rather than a line by line story.
anyways
saying āiām sickā when youāre sick is boring.
instead, here are some more funky fresh and cool ways to disclose that your immune system has been highjacked (itās time to revive these sayings from the dead!):
āi am indisposedā
āi am taken illā
āi am feeling out of sortsā
āi am suffering from a bilious attackā
āi have been seized by an agueā
āi am afflicted with a malaiseā
āi have taken to my bedā
āthe vapours have overcome meā
āi have a touch of the influenzaā
āthe rheumatism plagues meā
āi am laid low with a feverā
āi am afflicted with a troublesome ailmentā
youāre welcome
