"I can never read all the books I want;
I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.
I can never train myself in all the skills I want.
And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life.
And I am horribly limited.â
I am made of urgencies:
my joys are intense;
my sorrows, absolute.
I fill myself with absences,
empty myself of excess.
I do not fit the narrow
I only live in extremes.
Little does not serve me
average does not satisfy me,
naives were never my strength!
All great and small moments,
made with love and tender care,
become eternal memories to me.
Words may win me over for the time being...
But actions either keep me or lose me forever.
I suppose understanding me is not a matter of intelligence but of feeling, of making contact...
Either it reaches you or it doesn't. -Clarice Lispector
ok last one: They are always with us, the thin people
Meager of dimension as the gray people
On a movie-screen. Â They
Are unreal, we say:
It was only in a movie, it was only
In a war making evil headlines when we
Were small that they famished and
Grew so lean and would not round
Out their stalky limbs again though peace
Plumped the bellies of the mice
Under the meanest table.
It was during the long hunger-battle
They found their talent to persevere
In thinness, to come, later,
Into our bad dreams, their menace
Not guns, not abuses,
But a thin silence.
Wrapped in flea-ridded donkey skins,
Empty of complaint, forever
Drinking vinegar from tin cups: they wore
The insufferable nimbus of the lot-drawn
Scapegoat. Â But so thin,
So weedy a race could not remain in dreams,
Could not remain outlandish victims
In the contracted country of the head
Any more than the old woman in her mud hut could
Keep from cutting fat meat
Out of the side of the generous moon when it
Set foot nightly in her yard
Until her knife had pared
The moon to a rind of little light.
Now the thin people do not obliterate
Themselves as the dawn
Grayness blues, reddens, and the outline
Of the world comes clear and fills with color.
They persist in the sunlit room: the wallpaper
Frieze of cabbage-roses and cornflowers pales
Under their thin-lipped smiles,
Their withering kingship.
How they prop each other up!
We own no wilderness rich and deep enough
For stronghold against their stiff
Battalions. Â See, how the tree boles flatten
And lose their good browns
If the thin people simply stand in the forest,
Making the world go thin as a wasp's nest
And grayer; not even moving their bones.
now that iâm free to be myself, who am i? canât fly, canât run, and see how slowly i walk. well, i think, i can read books. âwhatâs that youâre doing?â the green-headed fly shouts as it buzzes past. i close the book. well, i can write down words, like these, softly. âwhatâs that youâre doing?â whispers the wind, pausing in a heap just outside the window. give me a little time, i say back to its staring, silver face. it doesnât happen all of a sudden, you know. âdoesnât it?â says the wind, and breaks open, releasing distillation of blue iris. and my heart panics not to be, as i long to be, the empty, waiting, pure, speechless receptacle.
i was swinging bsck & forth, listening to Billie Eilishâs WILDFLOWER (isolated vocals) and it was like I left my bodyâlike time just slowed down, and everything made perfect sense for a while. It felt like I was living a scene from one of those coming-of-age movies, where everything suddenly makes sense.