Rec
🎙️
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak, or fathom anything beyond the apple of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
it’s been people it’s been sewing guitar driving religion philosophy photography writing filming blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak, or fathom anything beyond the apple of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
it’s been people it’s been sewing guitar driving religion philosophy photography writing filming blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
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You know I can really relate to this and I can relate to a lot of the things you post. It’s honestly just very hard to be an exceptionally bright person in this world sometimes. I hope you can find something to do that helps you discover meaning again but it’s also okay to be a dilettante who gets easily bored. It’s something you can improve over time with discipline and focus and channel into things that feel worthwhile
Feb 18, 2025
u excited for the new bcnr album? i met the guy who drove them around the us and he said it was sick
Feb 18, 2025
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🪞my coworker has been trying to get me to quit my job and move. he travels a lot and is only passing through til he can get enough money to go to whatever’s next. he‘s really upfront about why he does what he does but he’s also very genuine in connecting with the people around him. he‘s really into seeing the world in all different perspectives and nothing’s that serious to him besides his music. he just takes opportunities when theyre given to him.
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where he’s been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him he’s telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) i’m petrified. and i haven’t even begun to work out why that is, when i know i’m not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes i’m trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesn’t then i’ll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and that’s about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if i’m being honest, i’m petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i don’t want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. i’m beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. i’m just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, it’s 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i won’t tell him i cried a little after he told me it’s sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where he’s been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him he’s telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) i’m petrified. and i haven’t even begun to work out why that is, when i know i’m not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes i’m trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesn’t then i’ll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and that’s about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if i’m being honest, i’m petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i don’t want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. i’m beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. i’m just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, it’s 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i won’t tell him i cried a little after he told me it’s sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
Rec
🍂working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Rec
🎶- Fall to knees and ask God “Why must you punish me? I’m far too handsome to not be in magazines!”
- Resign to room
- Scroll, weeping at the bottom of Instagram
- Click furiously through every one of your tagged photos
- Learn nothing about yourself
- Ask every girl you’ve ever slept with to rate your performance
- Watch Mad Max: Fury Road with your mother to learn what masculinity means
- Read top 12 pieces of relationship advice from How I Met Your Mother on Buzzfeed
- Throw out your 2-in-1 and buy a seperate shampoo and conditioner
- Listen to Jerkin Fendrix every day for a month
- Google yourself so many times that you start trending
- Read back your love letters to southeastern French villages, and know that you were really just writing about someone
- Busy yourself with trying to understand who you are and forget your dogs birthday
- Wake up every day and re-remember all that has been taken from you, like the whole of Groundhog Day combined with just the second half of 50 First Dates
- In one moment, feel more like you want to die than ever before in your life
- In the next moment, feel more like you want to try than ever before in your life
- To be who you know you could be
- To be an outrageous rock and roll icon
- To be a masterful lover
- To be the best dressed guy in this Shoreditch venue
- To be on the cover of So Young magazine in collage form
- To be a well-regarded DJ of rare techno on vinyl only
- To be the hero of your dope childhood dreams
- Put on fresh socks and a Kanye west album, to find your next calling
- Buy a coffee table book on minimalism, and a new sweater
- Cut your own hair badly and start using a face scrub
- Unfollow every girl every girl who posts pictures of healthy meals
- And every girl who posts pictures of happy meals
- Give yourself a hilarious name on Facebook
- Pretend not to know who Lil Yaughty is
- Tell everyone you meet that you’ve never seen black mirror
- Throw out your bedframe
- Put your mattress on the floor
- Destroy your aeropress and start drinking instant coffee
- Act like you know nothing about craft beer
- Bitch about every group in South London
- Start defining yourself purely by the things you hate
- Know you have become the antithesis of your 2016 manifesto
- You are so lost in my plight to exist, that you have forgotten to live, and you forgot to love
I love you. Good night
Jul 16, 2025
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I've been told that people in the army do more by 7:00 AM
than I do in an entire day, but if I wake at 6:59 AM and turn to you to trace the outline of your lips with mine, I will have done enough and killed no one in the process.
- 6:59 AM by Shane Koyczan
we take love for granted, and i do more than anyone. i find it so beautiful that there is one pair of flesh and bones and eyes and a mouth that truly do belong at the top of the hierarchy. she is perfection and love in itself, and i remind myself that to be stagnant to unproductive may never be my fate if my day is long spent loving her.
