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Iāve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why canāt I feel the agony of losing someone, why canāt I feel the devastation of a death, why canāt I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and Iāve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks itāll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for itās ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into anotherās. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just canāt help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I canāt help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025
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I don't like pain. I've spent much of my life trying to avoid pain, reduce pain, mitigate pain.
Many hours have been wasted on efforts to distract, ignore, escape, and numb.
But lately I'm accepting that it can't be avoided. Pain will always be with meāusāin one form or another. Loss, grief, wounds from family, betrayal by friends, sickness, misunderstanding, the whole world one great glorious minefield for pain.
And pain is also often an indicator, a teacher, a directional arrow. (Not always. Sometimes it is a terrible guide.) But I ignore its lessons at my peril!
So. How then do I live so as not to be crushed?
Perhaps: us.
We're going to hurt, so let us hurt in community. Not to swim in the muck of self-pity, wallowing as perpetual victims unable to escape the morass of circumstance, but as co-sufferers whose companionship gives hope. We lament together and hurt together and its really awful but then I dry your tears and you dry mine and there's strength in your eyes and in my words and we dust off and link arms and stumble forward.
Dec 15, 2024
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Iāve been having a hard time lately and I really wanted to abandon the day but instead Iām saying hello to the bus driver with pink puffy eyes Iām letting tears fall freely onto the park bench Iām staring despondently out the sandwich shop windowĀ
Itās not about romanticizing your sadness. Itās actually not about you at all. Itās about the unusually colored pigeon and the dad and son throwing a football while they walk down the street and hearing Chaka Khanās My Love is Alive blaring from a modded 2003 Honda civic that will, even if itās just briefly, pull you out of the cave.
Allow your feelings to interact with the world. Find reminders of what life was, is, and can be beyond and within these feelings.Ā
Go for a walk, enjoy the taste of your salty tears, and when youāre ready, lay down in the grass until youāre itchy enough to remember there are sensations other than this dull ache. Then buy yourself an impracticality large bottle of water. Maybe go see a movie by yourself.Ā
May 4, 2024
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thereās something strange about the headAche that follows a good cry. it lingers. an aching reminder that the tEars were real. that the sadness was deep. the thrObbing in my temPles feels like a weight. but also a strange clarity. when everything seems blurred and raw. the mind is sharp in a way itās neVer been before. itās as though the heart and tHe mind have found a rhythm together. a rhythm that only comes with the quiet aftermath of pain.
itās during this vulnerability - when tHe world feels heavy and silent that creativity flows best. when sadness wears away the surface - the soul has space to create without barriers. thereās honesty in it, a kind of bruTal truth that can only emerge from the deepest emotions. the ache. thouGh painful. clears the path for something new to emErge. itās almost as if the sorrow is the soil for growth, and from it, idEas sprout and twist.
but i kNow that this isnāt forever. the headache will fade, and with it, the weight of tears. what once felt overWhelming will soften. moments are just the prelude to something better. the clouds will break. there will be space for the light to return.
Feb 22, 2025
Top Recs from @FelixCore
I have decided to do a track of the day. Not every day. But days where a specific song makes me go UGHHHH.
And today! It is The Moon by The Microphones
This song always tickles my brain in an existential but calming way. Would 10/10 recommend!!!
Mar 5, 2025
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I know itās a fairly common thing but Iāve recently come so fond of listening to two or three songs before I go to bed. In a way that I kind of just stare at the wall and think of the day and contemplate but I canāt help but feel (I know this sounds dumb) that itās these like end credits to a really lovely movie. Except itās my day?!!
I dunno very dumb. I sometimes try to fall asleep with this music playing in my ears or behind my head tucked beneath the pillow so I can prolong this like climactic emotional expression to capstone the day. It always frustrates me when I eventually do have to sleep, turn the music off, and go off to dream in the quiet ambience of my room. My brain does sometimes keep the music blasting even without my earphones though which is very kind.
Music I feel justifies all these things happening in my life. As if it doesnāt hold value if the songs I listen to arenāt played. Itās like you watch a movie that you just love and sorta sit in awe as the credits roll and the music swells. Thatās how I feel about my day most nights! At least lately that is. Really lovely music squeezing my brain into an appreciative analysing ritual of the day.
Iām just yapping at this point but I can definitely attribute this to always having this deep urge for my life to amount to something worth telling a story about. I watch so many amazing movies and I think it would be such a waste to have the only amazing experiences I witness come from outside my life. Soooooooooo #romanticiseyourownlife I guess??
Just felt the need to express it. I had a good wall watching session just then listening to Broken Social Scenes album āYou Forgot It In Peopleā (too many bangers) and I couldnāt help but speak my mind about it :)
Feb 17, 2025
I was on the train today and this song came on. It paralysed me at first because it was this stunning paralysingly beautiful opening but then suddenly it bounced into this exciting silly journey!
The song is Cybeleās Reverie by Stereolab
It kinda gave me āthis is lifeā vibes. Life can be paralysing, life can be silly, then at the end of the song it is this AWESOME JAM. Because life Can be awesome.
I had listened to an album of Stereolab before but WOW are they sooooooo cool. They just get it, they get the whimsey, they get the beauty.
Mar 26, 2025