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š©
Ahhh shit. Ahhhh shiiiiittt see the being naĆÆve was all good when it was just sort of general and I didnāt have anything specific in mind, just blind faith, posting my little mouse in the suit. All full of joy and shit. But you know what Iām posting my misery too in case anyone is praying on my downfall out there thatās how much I believe in karma and something larger than myself now, if Iām in the pits someone should get joy out of it. Ahhh shiiit whatever this cosmic power running things is, I hope she likes weird art bc thatās my offerings. What if sheās into basquiat rip offs and drama less photorealism and Iāve been shit talking that too. Or globalist blobby corporate design. Ahhh shit man who gets certified to teach English abroad off of 1 Reddit post of research I blew a bag and have been doing grammar for 3 months for nothing ahhh shit
Mar 12, 2025
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@TATERHOLE you get me š¤š¤š¤š¤ only a minor setback I shall march on taterhole
Mar 12, 2025
@FFH if youāre agreeing with me š¤š¤š¤š¤ if youāre suggesting the website I sent out like 20 applications in the middle of the night im way ahead of ya
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š§Coworkers are trying to assemble the chaotic/lawful/evil/neutral/good grid with each of us and itās proving difficult because behind bar shaking from the caffeine of an 8-shot dial-in everyoneās a little evil, especially in the no-manās land between the millennial pause and gen-z stare, and the yet-to-be-labeled of when someone who clearly spends a lot of time online in their own echo chamber assumes youāre one of them and attempts to interpellate you through a barrage of their own semiotics and youāre fraught between the misperception of your carefully selected graphic tee and customer service smile riding the wave of wanting a tip and facing a persona you actively avoid online. I assumed this grid would be somewhat true to our nature, having dropped the visage at work a bit since starting an ssri and becoming platonically intimate with another coworker through shared music taste (immediately opening a window to the soul), but my young coworker wanted to only base it on how we are at work. I said I donāt hold what I do behind bar against myself, he said the mistakes I make are inherently part of my personality, and Iām no better than the version of me at work because that necessarily is me, and a flattening reverberated through my entire body, like the shock of a gun shot before the pain sets in. I have big aspirations and canāt dwell on mistakes if I want to continue to believe in myself, which I have to do if I ever want to make anything! And Iām definitely not dwelling too much on what I do while over-caffeinated, undernourished, and bombarded with 8 kinds of sounds in the liminal 4-dimensional space of a coffee shop on a Saturday or during a random July hailstorm. Itās an absurd, cruel, jam-packed world. Itās ridiculous to strive and pretend you donāt think you can make it. It isnāt embarrassing to take your art seriously, even when the best of it is still stuck in your head for the time being. To quote Alex G āif you donāt believe in magic then you shouldnāt even tryā. Obviously consider your mistakes and learn from them, but donāt hold them against yourself. These all may seem unrelated but the miscommunication between my coworker and I (him not realizing I associate myself at work as my basest, most animal self) left me utterly speechless, mouth agape, clutching the counter for stability for whatever reason. Low key it feels sooooo good to believe in yourself.
Jul 17, 2025
Rec
šŖ“Iām not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of peopleās confused delusions of grandeur because they didnāt realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day heās my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but Iāve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isnāt what I want at all, so Iām reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but Iām also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so Iām going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but Iām trying to actualize and find purposeā¦ Something something Maslowās hierarchy of needs.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day heās my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but Iāve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isnāt what I want at all, so Iām reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but Iām also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so Iām going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but Iām trying to actualize and find purposeā¦ Something something Maslowās hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
Rec
š„½Wow I just wanted to see if I could remember omg sorry for the novel
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(1-3rd grade) First, I wanted to be a singer/actress combo. Very Hannah Montana inspired. I even made my mom take me to some scammy commercial audition in Philadelphia. Memorized this coco puffs script, and then at the end they just told us I would be a star, only if we signed up for their thousands of dollars of acting classes. LOL.
(3rd-5th grade) Then, I wanted to be a Doctor, a Pediatric Oncologist. My brother had cancer when we were kids, and Iād had medical jargon stuck in my head that I thought would impress adults around me.
(5th-6th grade) Then I had my astronaut phase. That realization that thereās literally nothing cooler. My dad also said he wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid and I think that inspired this era.
(6-7th grade) Then, kinda major for me, I said I wanted to be an architect at these last day of 5th grade interviews. It was the first thing I could think of that merged art + ālogisticsā for lack of a better world. And that intersection really intrigued me (foreshadowing).
(8-9th grade) Then, I wanted to be a Magazine Editor. I loved tween mags like Tigerbeat etc, but it was me getting into Vogue - being so inspired by Anna and the world around āThe September Issueā. Think there was a documentary. My best friend wanted to be a fashion designer. These both came true for us š„¹
(10-12th grade) Then, I wanted to be some kind of corporate business woman. Era of romanticizing the title āCEOā.
(First year) Then, and now weāre in college, I wanted to be an āinternational laywerā crossed with some sort of diplomat. Would have been pretty dope ngl and I loved my degree in IR. But an internship at a law firm turned me off of it and I realized no matter what I a) didnāt want to sit somewhere wishing time away And b) wanted to wear whatever I wanted at work.
(Second year) Then, I remember I told my finsta followers that I wanted to be āa creatorā in my career and not have to say anything else. Some sort of Kanye moment of mine.
(Third-Fourth year) Then, another monumental moment was a conscious notion of me saying to people that the career for me was something āI donāt know exists yetā. Whatever that era was really worked in my favor, sort of manifested falling into āCreative Strategyā out of college which quite literally, I asked them in my interview what it was.
Loved that gig, am since working across a spectrum of Creative Direction, Production, + Editorial. I think little me would think I was super weird + also be rooting me on š¹After Iāve wrung out all my creative juices, I also plan to go back to school to become a Therapist in my 60s/70s
(1-3rd grade) First, I wanted to be a singer/actress combo. Very Hannah Montana inspired. I even made my mom take me to some scammy commercial audition in Philadelphia. Memorized this coco puffs script, and then at the end they just told us I would be a star, only if we signed up for their thousands of dollars of acting classes. LOL.
(3rd-5th grade) Then, I wanted to be a Doctor, a Pediatric Oncologist. My brother had cancer when we were kids, and Iād had medical jargon stuck in my head that I thought would impress adults around me.
(5th-6th grade) Then I had my astronaut phase. That realization that thereās literally nothing cooler. My dad also said he wanted to be an astronaut when he was a kid and I think that inspired this era.
(6-7th grade) Then, kinda major for me, I said I wanted to be an architect at these last day of 5th grade interviews. It was the first thing I could think of that merged art + ālogisticsā for lack of a better world. And that intersection really intrigued me (foreshadowing).
(8-9th grade) Then, I wanted to be a Magazine Editor. I loved tween mags like Tigerbeat etc, but it was me getting into Vogue - being so inspired by Anna and the world around āThe September Issueā. Think there was a documentary. My best friend wanted to be a fashion designer. These both came true for us š„¹
(10-12th grade) Then, I wanted to be some kind of corporate business woman. Era of romanticizing the title āCEOā.
(First year) Then, and now weāre in college, I wanted to be an āinternational laywerā crossed with some sort of diplomat. Would have been pretty dope ngl and I loved my degree in IR. But an internship at a law firm turned me off of it and I realized no matter what I a) didnāt want to sit somewhere wishing time away And b) wanted to wear whatever I wanted at work.
(Second year) Then, I remember I told my finsta followers that I wanted to be āa creatorā in my career and not have to say anything else. Some sort of Kanye moment of mine.
(Third-Fourth year) Then, another monumental moment was a conscious notion of me saying to people that the career for me was something āI donāt know exists yetā. Whatever that era was really worked in my favor, sort of manifested falling into āCreative Strategyā out of college which quite literally, I asked them in my interview what it was.
Loved that gig, am since working across a spectrum of Creative Direction, Production, + Editorial. I think little me would think I was super weird + also be rooting me on š¹After Iāve wrung out all my creative juices, I also plan to go back to school to become a Therapist in my 60s/70s
Top Recs from @hhtthhtthhttht
Apr 17, 2025
Rec
šOk stay with me here. Too much public filming. This is going to discourage good weird public activity. We need people being weird in public. Odd dancing, carrying around insane items, freaked out fits, etc. Instead of a quick vid to show your friends, or, god forbid, *get internet clout*, people should be sketching the scene and describing it in colorful language. Now you have to take accountability for your opinion on the matter, your draftsmanship and writing gets better, and the public freaks have plausible deniability in the job interview. This goes for drunk man on the street tik tok videos as well. Put on a newsboy cap and start jotting. There should be exceptions like intentional performances or heinous crimes of course. Iām open to other exceptions I just canāt think of any rn. This will never be a reality but i can try
Feb 25, 2025
Mar 10, 2025