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just found out someone in my life passed. my dad took me out for drinks. a solemn cheers. to life! the vibes are morose. the bartender gave us to-go cups. (this is the midwest.) hollowness, rejuvenated.
Mar 13, 2025

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MAKING PHYSICAL THE JOY THE ONES U LOST BROUGHT YOU AS WELL AS THE JOY THOSE LEFT BEHIND CREATED AND CLUNG TO ON ONE OF THE MOST FUCKED UP DAYS IMAGINABLE; AT DADDY'S BEACH CLUB WE CRIED BUT ALSO LAUGHED + JOHN QUEUED UP MARGARTIVAVILLE THE MOMENT WE WALKED IN + THE BARTENDERS STOPPED LETTING US PAY FOR DRINKS ONCE THEY FIGURED IT ALL OUT; WE ALL WALKED ONTO THE BEACH AND INTO THE OCEAN AND THE SHOES WE'D WEAR TO THE FUNERAL THE NEXT MORNING GOT COVERED IN SAND AND SALT; RYAN FOREVER
Jan 23, 2024
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strangers hugging, everyone ugly crying, there’s something relieving about pouring a collective sorrow into something so tangible. sort of lessens the weight of grief.
Mar 24, 2025
tuesday afternoon, my family got some really traumatic news. i was supposed to take the train back to school but my mom wanted us to all drive (mind you it was 3pm and it's a 4 hour drive). we spent the car ride telling each other how much we love each other, starting arbitrary conversation to distract ourselves, sobbing, and laughing. we went out to dinner, my parents dropped me off and they spent another 4 hours driving home in the middle of the night. i called my dad the next day and he said it was his favorite drive to ann arbor that he's ever done. it was such a pure expression of full emotion and as painful as it was, it was also incredibly beautiful to connect like that.
Feb 8, 2024

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we must get over it, and now! they have moved on and so shall i! i can redirect my feelings elsewhere! i can do it! (please manifest with me)
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am doing this tomorrow with a friend with only a 5 minute buffer in between, and after an 8 hr shift. will report back.
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