Iām tired of the well rounded stories I see on instagram, like ālittle boy who saved ten cats from house fire wins awardā or some crap. Why is it so satisfying when we hear a simple story that is easy to process. i want to hear a story that doesnt make sense I want to hear a story that is only halfway finished I want to see a picture and not understand what it means Not everything needs meaning Im tired of meaning There is more beauty in confusing, meaningless narratives They better reflect real life
This might not make the most sense but if I donāt write it I know Iāll be angry with myself.Ā
As someone who has always naturally been drawn to archives and journals and stories- Iāve found that Iāve been trapping myself in the narrative. The idea that life is a singular, vertical narrative, that pain is not simply pain but part of some bigger cycle of distribution and retribution. That pain is naturally repaid with love or safety or comfort. This narrative keeps me coddled in myself, it keeps me safe from having to face the fact that tomorrow might not be easier than today. That this year might not feel much better than last year. That as some things go on, they donāt always get lighter. They donāt alchemize from emotionally pain into material pleasure.Ā
The heroās journey tells us that the narrative follows simple steps. We are called- your alarm, a Britney Spears song, plays in the morning. Your car breaks down in an unfamiliar part of the city. Thereās a death in the family. Whatever it is, the call is something that moves us from familiarity to the unknown. It pulls the hero into the journey. We will then face the unknown and hopefully overcome it.Ā But what about the calls that we donāt answer? Or when we get stuck in the unknown? What about when we are braver than brave and we still cannot overcome everything? Iāve learned that sometimes our pain doesnāt come with atonement. Sometimes there is no return.Ā
Life doesnāt fit into the narrative. The alarm in itself is a narrative, you set it the night before, or maybe you set it three years ago and youāve been waking up to the same song every single day. The car is a narrative, the unfamiliar side of the city is a narrative. Why havenāt you been there? The death is a narrative explored and experienced by every person in your family, every friend of the dead, every coworker who called the morning after to see why they didnāt show up when their alarm went off that day. Everything is a million narratives coinciding and to trap ourselves into one, to tell ourselves only one story, is blinding us to the intricate nature of life. We cannot exist in only one dimension, and to choose to exist in various different- sometimes beautiful and sometimes horrible- narratives at once is to choose to stop coddling oneself, to stop following your pain like it always has something to give you.Ā
Sometimes it doesnāt. Maybe thatās fine.Ā
as someone who's felt this way since developing consciousness, I love a protagonist / narrator who doesnāt seem to fit, no matter how hard they try. its obviously even better when they do find their people, their place, their voice, etc. much needed hope ā„ļø
my life has felt like a shitty coming of age movie the past 3 days. iāve realized, coming home, my blood is still my own, as are my tears and my cuticles. the quiet isnāt unnerving, and i am shaken by the greys, whites, and browns i was so eager to dismiss in light of yellows and blues. nothing, and i donāt mean the lack of something, i mean nothing, feels as though it has for once taken up enough space. looking out the window for three hours does not feel a reminder of what could be or what is, what time may instead be spent doing, but an activity in itself. i am still, better yet, i am fulfilled by my stillness. it is no longer an excuse for exhaustion or boredom, but an entirely new feeling in itself.
Met this girl in Cambodia that fights She told me she used to box Her father taught her Her mother cried whenever she fought Her mother wouldnāt cook them dinner when she was mad She told meĀ āI am fierce as a tiger šÆā