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🕊️
It’s one hell of a drug.
I do love you. Denying myself that privilege has been nothing if not unjustifiably cruel.
Years and some change, a lackluster saturday night grazing on the sofa. Bowie came on, and I remembered our Beth’s excursion. Valentine’s Day. Who needs sleep? Not we! So we journeyed long and far in the name of burnt coffee, smoking cigarettes all the while. The sun was rising when I heard sound and vision next to you for the first time.
And man. That was just one song’s worth of heaven, one of many. I just love you for being around at all. I love you for who you were, and even for whoever you are now. You saved my life . I can’t forget it, not for a second. Even if it seems safer to hate you. It’s not true. Casting a distorted and downright ugly light on my most sacred memories . Clogging the arteries of my heart. Makin the blood keeping that fucker going all polluted. All cause you’re not here anymore. So what. I had you then and that’s enough. In fact it was a fucking miracle to have known you at all. I won’t desecrate it . I can’t afford to. I love you forever and ever and ever and ever and past that and after that keep going even more and no you can’t measure it, it just goes on and on like that fucking coworker who’s pearly whites are ridden with halitosis. Yeah baby. And even more than that. Thanks for everything . Hope you’re doing swell. Hope you never see this.
I feel free. High on fumes. Today I have transcended a sliver of pain. Like Q Lazarus famously said I’m flyin flyin flyin over youuuuuuuuu Ooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooo Oooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
And man. That was just one song’s worth of heaven, one of many. I just love you for being around at all. I love you for who you were, and even for whoever you are now. You saved my life . I can’t forget it, not for a second. Even if it seems safer to hate you. It’s not true. Casting a distorted and downright ugly light on my most sacred memories . Clogging the arteries of my heart. Makin the blood keeping that fucker going all polluted. All cause you’re not here anymore. So what. I had you then and that’s enough. In fact it was a fucking miracle to have known you at all. I won’t desecrate it . I can’t afford to. I love you forever and ever and ever and ever and past that and after that keep going even more and no you can’t measure it, it just goes on and on like that fucking coworker who’s pearly whites are ridden with halitosis. Yeah baby. And even more than that. Thanks for everything . Hope you’re doing swell. Hope you never see this.
I feel free. High on fumes. Today I have transcended a sliver of pain. Like Q Lazarus famously said I’m flyin flyin flyin over youuuuuuuuu Ooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooo Oooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Apr 20, 2025
Comments (2)
@CAROLINEBREEDEN d’aww shucks thanks for sayin so. I hope you are doing swell :)
Apr 25, 2025
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😃If we were created in God’s image then when God was a child he smushed fire ants with his fingertips and avoided tough questions. There are ways around being the go-to person even for ourselves even when the answer is clear like the holy water Gentiles drank before they realized Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.
I thought those were chime shells in your pocket so I chucked a quarter at it hoping to hear some part of you respond on a high note. You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars and abandoned me for not making sense. Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.
For example, I know mercy when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar (somebody’s gotta change that shit). You understand the power of God’s mercy whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine straight up into your heart. It felt amazing the days you were happy to see me
so I smashed a beehive against the ocean to try and make our splash last longer. Remember all the honey had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light strands of gold drizzling out to the tips of your wasps. This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.
It was not my intention to make such a production of the emptiness between us playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive. It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there and that you meant it but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open
so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying all my eggs were in a basket of red flags all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off trying to drive all your nickels to the well when you were happy to let them wishes drop
but I still show up for gentleman practice in the company of lead dancers hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes. Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman or is it a cattle call in a school of fish? Still dance with me less like a waltz for panic more for the way we’d hoped to swing the night we took off everything and we were swingin’ for the fences
don’t hold it against my love you know I wanna breath deeper than this you know I didn’t mean to look so serious didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board but there were knives s-stuck in the words where I came from too much time in the back of my words. I pulled knives from my back and my words. I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away
and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath but I wanna show ya how I found my breath to death it was buried under all the wind instruments hidden in your castanets goddamn if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left yeah if you ever wanna come inside
just knock on the spot
where I finally pressed STOP
playing musical chairs with exit signs.
I’m gonna cause you a miracle when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.
Forgiveness is for anybody who needs a safe passage through my mind.
If I was really created in God’s image then when God was a boy he wanted to grow up to be a man a good man and when God was a man a good man He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses. He’d say, “I know. I really shoulda wore my cross again but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.
Aug 9, 2024
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🍬My mind is made of bubbles
Synapses pop here and there
Take me in different directions
Through alleyways and down steep stairs
My emotions come and go like the mornings
receding tide
Shift like piss swift dribbling down drainage pipes and play-place slides
My words are drool upon your feet
My eyes are hung like frozen coals
Or snot that freezes and puddles
In jacket arms, on brand new clothes
The mirror is a needle but these ropes are all the same
I built my house on a rock in sands so that I can be displaced by strange rogue waves
Sometimes screaming doesn’t help
Today I can’t talk at all
Self harm gets only a couple chuckles when friends come round to call
My loves tears taste like cinnamon
I can’t swallow without spitting up
Ones once loved don’t talk to me because my medicine makes me less fun
I cry every other night over folks I chose to hang around
My room is set on fire every time I say something and don’t like how it sounds
Good grief, bang the drum all day
Rec
🫶I love you
because the Earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because the winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things
I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I’m sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don’t want it
any other way
I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it’s been so good
for so long
that if I didn’t love you
I’d have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you
The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can’t sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you
I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you ’cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one Friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you
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I fucking love it
IM YOUR BIGGEST FAN ILL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME PAPA PAPARAZIIIIIII
IM YOUR BIGGEST FAN ILL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME PAPA PAPARAZIIIIIII
May 5, 2024
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🚬Like a dear friend . I miss how when I would smoke a cigarette it would settle into my hair , blanketing a preexisting layer of perfume. I love the way smoke seeps into the fabric of my car, my clothes, even into my skin. Smells like my parents, my grandparents. Our old house. Dads gold Lincoln towncar that we got shot at in. And last time I saw one of those, I was picking dad up from jail, and its license plate read TRULOVE.
Dec 14, 2024
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🫀Loneliness prevails! I would much rather live purely in solitude for ever and ever than waste another precious second in the presence of someone who has little skin in the game of knowing me or seeing me. Hearing me! I wonder why you keep me around if all your hearts desire is to hear the sound of your own voice.
It makes no difference if it’s me or anyone for that matter.
For all you know or even care I am merely an ottoman for you to rest your feet on, or a coffee table meant simply to pedestal your various notebook scrawlings and half-read books. I am a file cabinet. I have it here, dated, what you Thought and what you felt about work, or about your friends. ask me, I have it all.
And I loved it. I loved knowing you. I wanted to. I investigated and interrogated. I poured over it all with great curiosity, praying for all my red threads to weave a tapestry of you.
but I can’t remember the last time you asked me something about myself. When the opportunity arises, and god forbid, I Take it, you can barely hold your breath. Its like a shark sensing blood. You just can’t wait to talk talk talk talk talk. But hey, it’s your life, and baby, I’m just living in it.
but I can’t remember the last time you asked me something about myself. When the opportunity arises, and god forbid, I Take it, you can barely hold your breath. Its like a shark sensing blood. You just can’t wait to talk talk talk talk talk. But hey, it’s your life, and baby, I’m just living in it.
Dec 10, 2024