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There’s so much static and bullshit that’s not in my head anymore. My vision is clear. My mind is moving a million miles an hour, buzzing with the electricity of the good kind of “what if?”. Light and creativity flow through me. I know who I am. Years of work finally paying off.
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Homies, mayhaps TMI, but is it possible to be so amped about life after experiencing short-lived and retroactively bittersweet intimacy with a very attractive yet flawed and likely incompatible Bushwick party girl?
I've got a story to tell...
Following an unprecedentedly great Valentine's day date and an equal but opposite (not great) conclusion to things with the girl in question (due to things moving too fast and her not being as interested as I was), I have paradoxically been feeling incredible, perhaps better than I've ever felt before for this long a period of time, for about a week and a half now.
The only explanation I've been able to come up with is that I hypnotized myself while talking about this turn of events on the phone with a friend. For context, I am not a woo-woo guy at all, instead maybe the most autistically rational guy I know, but I do fw some Rick Rubin nonsense on occasion (a guy can dream, can't he?). But I think the support of a friend, combined with my own extensive psychoanalysis delivered by me over the phone to said friend, induced an intense feeling of grounded-ness, calm, and clarity which has yet to expire. In one fell swoop, it's like I have just finally corrected my brain chemistry after years, or maybe even a lifetime, of low-grade depression and dopamine problems. I am now totally jazzed to work on personal projects, to invite friends to my apartment, to talk to girls who aren't this girl, to put up with extensive annoyances from the outside world, and to understand that Everything Will Be Alright In The End (Weezer reference).
So yeah, I might be insane, but I'm here to contribute my own experience and suggest that there are cerebral, self-reflective, pseudo-therapeutic solutions (that exist within your own mind) to your pathological mental ills. Ponder long and hard about the things that are sending you on an emotional rollercoaster, dissect them, accept them, and look forward to all other things you are capable of beyond your little emotional stint. Try to hypnotize yourself, and if successful, enjoy the all-encompassing wholeness that awaits.
Feb 27, 2025
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Got some news yesterday about someone I love
Suddenly a lot of things mattered less
Some wishy washy desires became goals
For a little while I had X-ray vision
The world sped up and slowed down at the same time
— I didn’t like the news but I’m glad I know it, because it was already a thing, so better to know
All at once without warning I’m living on a different planet: it is barren, hostile, rocky, and dry
But I know there are treasures here. I’m going to find them.
Dec 22, 2024
Because something has broken in my brain since I last responded to it where I’m a lot less restrained and passive; I’ve leaned into my creativity and passionate nature and have become more of an active participant in seeking what I want… a little less controlled, a little more chaotic. Very interesting
Feb 16, 2025
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