i have been through my fair share of baptist church induced turmoil in my time and i think my issue wasn’t with the holy spirit, but with the shame and control and hatred from the people around me. and i think by becoming completely independent from those who would seek to morally control me, in that they do not have to power to strip away my basic needs and wellbeing if i were to act against the church, i have solved my immense anxiety around acting freely and speaking my mind. i used to fully disassociate during any religious discussion and now i sometimes participate in prayer, and have less anxiety around extremely religious people- what are they going to do to me? i can stand alone in the world! i have a community of like-minded people who support me! i even have expressed how i feel about the church to my parents so it doesn’t feel like i’m hiding anymore, and even though they are still in denial and that might not be feasible for you, it helped me.
there is definitely an aspect of deeply embedded shame and fear that can’t be reached by independence alone that i think i will be working on for my entire life. that’s ok, it makes me who i am, and certain parts of me that were shaped by the church are strengths. also, no matter how many times someone says you are going to literally burn in hell for eternity, it’s not true. you are not alone, and this too will pass.
May 18, 2025
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Growing up in a very pentecostal upbringing, there was a lot of fear / anxiety / worry about the afterlife. Mom & dad really did their best to make sense of a lot of that, but our church just leaned into the fire & brimstone. We’ve all since come to terms with our beliefs, even though they’re varied from family member to family member. Recently though, I’ve been looking back to what scared me and finding ways to make “things” out of those fears, almost to show power and control over them. Those very thoughts don’t scare me / don’t hold me any longer. So here’s to all the late 90’s / early 00’s fear tactics used in churches with pews where you’d be handed a tract about hell to share with your friends.
May 16, 2024
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i love my family and my parents did so many things right with us, but it was scary and confusing as a child to hear such mixed messages about God’s mercy and wrath. i had a lot of rapture anxiety (still do sometimes) and often feel like i'm never doing enough for the world. i was a missionary kid, so i was raised with an urgency to literally save people’s souls from an eternity in hell. and i believed it all so earnestly.
i’m learning but it’s hard to let myself make mistakes without fear of judgment or punishment. and to feel worthy of rest. and to be needy instead of always meeting other people’s needs.
it also took me until 30 to realize i’m queer because i had so much homophobia and purity culture to deconstruct before i could safely see myself.
Jul 18, 2024
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I stopped going to church several years ago and knew several years before that I didn’t belong there. For a while I was able to block it all out and run from it but there’s a lot coming to the surface now. I think I’m at a point now where I feel safe enough to feel all the things I suppressed and it’s overwhelming. All the fear and shame and the ways I betrayed myself to please others and all the stupid shit I did in the name of Jesus. I regret it all.
May 18, 2025
Top Recs from @eatgraeps
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i may have spent a sinister amount of time here today but better with you folk than in the wild west of short form video content….
May 21, 2025
they really have this whole life thing figured out
May 20, 2025
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i have 200,000 plays on soundcloud because i made an ambient track when i was 15 and clickbait titled it "sex noises". dozens of comments going "wheres the sex". what a strange impact to have made on the world and i am locked out of the account forever
May 16, 2025