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x100 the wishes, and then the cigarette tastes like cream cheese icing. T-minus 6 days till my bday
4d ago
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May 29, 2025
Sep 16, 2024
everyone line up for a piece!!
i cant wait to have a great year, im feeling much more optimistic than i ever have around this time, and what a beautiful cake to celebrate it with
Mar 9, 2025
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This is my first post and it may be kinda long, but it's good, I promise. Stick with me.
Today, I saw a video where a guy was talking about detachment and he said "The solution is never in the problem, so stop looking there." I struggle with anxiety and tend to obsess over the things in my life that I've lost. I often obsess and spiral over the way my life was before a bad breakup I went through that caused me to lose a bunch of friends and a job I loved. It was a huge loss all around, and even though it's been a year and a half, I still find myself fixating on the happiest moments from that life I was living and mourning the fact that I don't have that anymore and wondering why I had to lose it. That phrase from the video got me thinking... When you get stung by a bee, your brain and your body instinctively want to fix the pain immediately. Your hand subconsciously flies up to where the bee was and you swat the bee off of your arm and jump back. You decide to go inside, grab an ice pack, remove the stinger, and put some ointment on the sting. When I've been hurt emotionally, the same thing happens-- I am instinctively desperate to fix the pain. But here's where I go wrong: I hyperfixate on the thing that hurt me as if it holds the solution. I obsess over the last time I felt that happy and over those good memories as though the solution can be found in the problem. But it can't. It's like staying outside with your hand holding the bee-sting on your arm while it throbs, searching for the bee. Asking the bee why it stung you won't stop the sting from hurting. The only thing that will heal me is moving forward and lookingat the world around me for the joy and resources I need, because that's where the solution is found. It is not found in the past, with my ex, or with my old friends that no longer contact me.
Not sure if anyone will see this, but this seems like a good place for me to vent all of this.
Jun 4, 2025
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I went on a good date with a good guy tonight. He makes sense— he’s kind and normal and opens the doors for me and my family would love him. He got me sunflowers last week. There was a sense of peace about the whole thing… I didn’t feel my heart racing or manically tug at my dress to hide my stomach. It was easy, it was natural.
I’m 22 and I remember when I was 20 and I went on a date with a watchmaker in Paris. He was wild and I felt like I had known him forever. My heart was flying out of me, we drank wine on the Seine and he kissed me silly under the Eiffel Tower then we ran through the metro stations holding hands and listening to Heroes by David Bowie, one airpod each. I was so alive, I was a kid, I was love. The watchmaker ended up hurting me with a surprising indifference and we don’t talk anymore. The cruel joke of it all is that I will always compare every date I go on to that one. That perfect date where I was stupid and a child and beautiful and in love all of a sudden.
Now I’m 22, my frontal lobe is threatening to develop, and I’m anxiously looking over my shoulder at that wild, sparkly feeling, wondering if it’s worth peace to leave it in the past.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to leave it in the past, but maybe put it in my back pocket and try to give this new thing (peace and stability) a chance, having no idea what might happen with it. All I know is that I might realize I fucked it up and have to let go of this sweet guy’s hand at the wrong moment and fuck it up because the feeling in my back pocket is too precious and I must find it again. I like to believe that as long as I’ve been honest with him that I’m lost and can be a moron and never know what I want because I want everything at once, at least he won’t be blindsided. So I’ll put new, fresh water in the jar of sunflowers today, and remind myself that the watchmaker left me on opened a year ago.
Jun 6, 2025