i had a lot of mental health issues as a kid and had chronic self-ending thoughts and behaviors, so when i got out of high school almost a decade ago (CHRIST) i went to the university of iowa just to be somewhere else. that said, it’s hard to build a future somewhere if you never anticipated ever HAVING a future. after realizing how shit a major i chose for myself, i dropped out without telling anyone and floated aimlessly for two years in Iowa City. while i learned a lot about myself in Iowa City and experienced real community i was not secure enough in myself to actually let MYSELF in. instead i threw myself to the wolves and did not take care of myself physically or mentally and got into genuinely dangerous situations out of self destructiveness. i ended up back in my hometown after two years of crashing out and being a feral shithead to people who just wanted to be nice to me. i havent been back since. i cant bring myself to and im starting to question why.
this porch belongs to a coop i stayed at and eventually burned bridges with (bridges are hard to maintain when youre feral and self negligent). i also did a ukulele set alongside my friends for a lil summer show while i was living there, and its a very positive memory for me- one of the few things i ACTUALLY vividly remember from then between the trauma and the psychosis and the lack of sleep. its a nice porch- nice enough that despite everything i STILL dont want to forget it.