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That guy was such an asshole. We met in high school. One day I was feeling shitty in class and he scribbled something kind in my notebook. Years later, I tried to track him down to say thank you. And then I ran into him completely by chance in the street ā something made me turn around, and there he was, coming round the corner. He recognized me straight away, and we started talking again.
I donāt even remember how it all happened. One winter day, grey and cold, he walked me to my shrinkās office. We talked about books, movies, life. He was gorgeous (he was actually a model). Somehow we kissed, held hands, and he ended up being my first time. It wasnāt that great.
Heād pack a bag and hitchhike to Germany or Poland or wherever. Heād text me from the road and I missed him like hell. When he got back, weād meet at night in a park and make out. He wanted to sleep with me again ā once we went to the cinema, and the second the lights went off, he grabbed my face and kissed me hard.
Then I started to go under, and he vanished. No word for years. And of course he had no social media, because thatās just the kind of guy he was. I googled his name more times than I can count. I was so fucking angry and sad. Then one day he popped back up, said heād stopped talking to me because I was depressed and going into a psych hospital. I was furious. That was three years ago.
Since then, nothing. I dreamed about him last night. I wonder if heās still alive, still in France, still drifting around without a job. Maybe heās married now, maybe heās got kids. Maybe someone broke his heart ā though honestly, he never seemed like the type to let that happen. I wonder if he remembers me.
I found his number and sent him a message. Maybe heās changed it. And if he hasnāt, I know he wonāt reply anyway.
Valentin was like that. A gust of wind you had to catch before it disappeared again. You only get to talk to Valentin if he decides to keep you around. I guess I still miss him sometimes. I hope heās okay
6d ago
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes itās just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. Itās a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and Iām angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day sheāll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I canāt let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe itās all for the best, maybe Iām being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe thatās all the time meant for us. I donāt know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
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i have a friend named Danny whoās always just so quiet. heās very dear to me but he doesnāt talk much, and mainly when Iām spending time with him itās because his boyfriend wanted to hang out and he happened to be there too. Sometimes when I come over and heās having a tough day heāll go to another room, and I thought for a long time he was just a pretty sad, anxious dude. or Maybe he just didnāt like me that much, but Iāve seen him act this way with other people too. So heās probably just introverted.
today, I was talking to the aforementioned boyfriend, and some old pictures of danny came up in conversation. We ended up looking at pics and videos of him from about a year and a half before we met and hes such a different person ā a bubbly, ridiculous guy ā and he smiled. It broke me to realize, I never ever see danny genuinely smile. Not when weāre doing board games, or watching movies together, or having a meal.
Iād really never met that Danny. the one E fell in love with, and who could always make his friends smile because he couldnt help but smile when he was with them. the week after he visited his mom, after her cancer went into remission, I met a version of him ā I got a glimpse of a happier man who cracked jokes and teased and got excited ā but it faded, and once again he pulled himself from one day to the next.
Thereās not a word for that kind of sadness, the feeling of losing someone you never had before. I hope in time heāll heal, and Iāll see him face to face like I see him in those old pictures. But for now heās many states away, and in my mind, his color is blue.
Jul 4, 2025
šÆ
This is a little long winded and personal. Please forgive me.
It's been exactly one year since my great aunt passed away - she was a pillar of the family, a very intelligent and witty woman whom we all loved. She used to cut out stories from the newspaper/ magazines and mail them to me while I lived away, and she had the most incredible handwriting Iāve ever seen. She was, to use one of her favorite things to call me, a āreal mensch.ā
Less than 48 hours after that, I got broken up with. We had been dating for almost two years. It was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Yet, we were laying in my teenage bedroom at my parents house, and she was crying. All I remember is thinking to myself āFIGHT for her you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, you CANāT lose another womanā - but I didnāt. I was scared. And just like that, the best year of my life came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Two extremely hard hits at once.
I had to keep moving forward. I didnāt see any alternative. And as a result, I sank into what I can only describe as my own death spiral. Lots of cigs, lots of booze, lots of work, all to drown out the voices in my head telling me āmaybe this isnāt a good idea.ā
I didnāt allow myself to MOURN then. To feel sad, to feel loss, and to work it out constructively and communally. Now, a year later, Iām finally allowing myself to feel those emotions about both of those things. Finally crawling out of that death spiral. Mourning isnāt weakness, nor is grief.
Justā¦if you havenāt properly mourned something, anything, I recommend allowing yourself to. Keeping something like that inside, no matter how compartmentalized it may be, is a bad idea.
Mar 8, 2025
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Jun 26, 2025
Weāve known each other since kindergarten, we grew up together, and even though I wasnāt always kind to her in middle school, she never held it against me. We started to feel sad around the same time, and each of us became the otherās refuge. She has always encouraged me and given me the strength to do slightly crazy things; when we were fifteen, weād find ourselves standing in the middle of a field at one in the morning, in the dark, just because I was feeling down. Sheās taken care of me after I hurt myself. I watched her lose herself in her last relationship. Sheās the only family I see at Christmas. We can laugh for ten minutes just by looking at each other
Right now Iām on holiday in my hometown, and I can go see her whenever I want. We meet at night, smoke cigarettes, and watch movies. She takes better care of me than my boyfriend ever does
A few days ago, we spent a wonderful morning in her garden, in the sun, with fresh air all around us. For the first time in years, life almost felt pleasant. The colors of the plants and flowers were so beautiful, and we didnāt even talk that muchāwe just ate some fruit (which she washed for me). I told her about my favorite movie and she watched it that same night; she told me about her favorite fruit and I bought it for her the next day
I donāt care about men, because she exists. I love her with all my heart, and I want to take her to the beach
3d ago
A pile of coats on an office chair in front of a lamp created this silhouette of a young girl in the window. It was such a precious moment, and I hate the thought that someone on the internet could steal her from me. I watched her for a long time, and she became my confidante for an evening. This photo is mine because that moment belongs to me. I feel comfortable enough on this app to share it now ā please, I beg you, donāt steal her from me.
Jul 2, 2025