⭐
though words feel too small for what i feel for you, i still want to try.
we fell in love fast.
faster than i knew was possible. and so, so deep.
like something in me had been waiting quietly for you, and the second you arrived, it stood up and said, finally.
it was sudden, intense, and real.
you opened a door in me i didn’t even know was closed—and i stepped through without hesitating.
and that kind of falling… is beautiful. and terrifying.
because when something touches you this deeply, you know it’ll leave a marK.
and i know—whatever happens—this will break me.
at least for a whiLe.
but i wouldn’t take a single second bacK.
because loving you has meant loving all of you.
the way you draw, and your inner child comes out through your hanDs.
the way your body lights up when you skate, like it remembers freedom.
the way you get frustrated sometimes—but never shut down. you stay open, soft, human.
i love how you hold it together with graCe.
how you melt into my arms at the end of the day and let me hold you like you’ve been needing it.
i love how you care so deepLy.
how you notice things most people don’t.
how you believe there’s more out there for you—because there is.
and yes, selfishly, i wish that “more” included mE.
i love that you get annoyed when i turn away from you in my slEep.
that you want me close—even then.
i love your gentleness.
your firE.
your mind.
your spirit.
the way you see me. and let me see you.
and now i’m packing my life into boXes.
getting ready for cologne.
while you’re still here in barcelona—though maybe not foreVer.
it hurts to leave.
it hurts to see that little crack in your smile that i know wasn’t there before.
i hate that i’m the reaSon for it.
but love like this doesn’t just vanish.
it shifts. it stretches. it finds new ways to stay aLive.
and i believe we will figure this out.
not overnight. not without pain.
but we wiLl.
because this doesn’t feel like the end of our story.
it feels like a pause. a transforMation. a deep breath.
you are something i didn’t expect—but something i’ll never forget.
and i love you, in all your layers.
always,
m
1d ago
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there's no standard treatment for a broken heart. i sigh quietly to myself, thinking i’ll actually find an answer on how to heal a broken heart on google
it all began five years ago, when i finally started spending time with him—the boy who seemed to shine a little brighter than the rest. he was the kindest, the prettiest, the one who made my heart feel lighter just by existing. and he wanted to be my friend. how could i not fall?
kept the friendship up for a couple of years and my crush for him grew even stronger. sometimes he would come up in my dreams and then i would try to summon fate itself—manifesting, wishing, aching for him to love me back. because, as every girl knows, there is always a phase where we believe the universe listens. and so, i rinsed and repeated, hoping one day, he would look at me the way I looked at him
when we messaged or meet up, he felt like my twin flame. a connection so deep, so natural, that i convinced myself he must feel it too. he understood me, and i understood him
but i never felt that he liked me as much as i liked him.
and then, it ended—not with a dramatic farewell, not with a grand confession, but with silence. I ruined it in my own quiet way: fading out, withdrawing, blocking him, letting the messages go unanswered. I stopped reaching out, and so did he. it was as if we had been a story left unfinished, pages ripped from the book before the final chapter could be written
it has been four months since we last spoke. and now, he has a girlfriend. may I add—throughout our years of friendship, he never had one. situationships, yes, but never something real. yet, here she is. not me.
the day I found out, it struck me in a way I hadn’t expected. I had let him slip from my thoughts, let weeks pass without missing him—until I saw what I had once longed for, in the hands of someone else. I hadn’t realized I was still holding onto the dream until it shattered before me.
now, my mind drifts to what could have been. I picture myself in her place, feel the ghost of a life that was never mine. would he have loved me, if I had held on? if I had tried? was I ever good enough for him? wasn’t I pretty enough for him…? why… her… not… me…?
time is meant to heal. i know this. but this wound runs deep. losing someone you once felt connected to in the deepest corners of your soul is a quiet kind of grief, the kind that doesn’t announce itself loudly but lingers in the spaces between thoughts. my heart feels heavy, my soul even heavier
but today, i miss him more than usually. i’ve fallen to deep, so now every time i think of him, i will miss him deeply.
Feb 28, 2025
⭐
you know,
all i like to write about is love.
writing is easier when it’s about your own personal experiences of grief, of pain
but love is the beautiful dove of the two
released at a funeral, released at a wedding.
,
because the definition is different for everybody.
—
the trees rustle again tonight, and the wind gently taps on the windowpane, begging again to be let in
and my thoughts race farther and faster in the night than a pure-bred, hot-blooded racehorse, bucking wild for the first time
my mind buzzes, stricken like a gong, reverberating in the quietness of tonight
as i drag myself closer to you,
you reach out for me, an unspoken, gentle and devout prayer, asking for me in the unspeakable words conveyed in a whisper through actions
–
i promised you a fantastical world of your own, where you are safe, through my own creation.
i have created for you in the heart of my own somewhere for me to love you,
fully and infinitely with all of myself.
if this is not where you are safe, then there is nothing else.
–
word by word and sentence by sentence
i create dreams i would never tell anybody
not even under the skies of a cloudless night.
when i sleep, i tuck my hopes and sadness under my pillow
and hope a fairy will kidnap it and place in that spot
something i should need more.
but night after night, my dreams just macerate in the container of my heart.
soon, i will drink them like an elixir of truth
and what i am afraid of will come
May 2, 2025
In threefold lives and twofold tears I hold my breath but I can’t pretend it’s not happening anymore. I keep finding myself saying “we’re graduating” again and again with no intonation because I truly don’t know what to feel. Maybe it’s a manifestation or maybe it’s just a recognition of the eventual, the eventuality of the end of the various hues I’ve been painted with at scad. In my minds eye lives a collage of all of the people whom I’ve cherished for four, (or five years if you count dual enrollment), to say I love them is an egregious understatement. To say I will miss them is simply diminishing an actuality. With me I carry this collage of love it keeps me warm when I am cold, and tender when I am stone. I helped me grow into my bones. Seen me and shone, people I’ve adored. I leave this place adorn with knowledge and love and a want for more. Chest heave practical in armor, holding onto the alternate dream of me, hoping, hoping for an offer, offering a life I am to live, if I just turn and run, if I just turn and run this time, lime green coconut leaves, spotted bedroom sheets, but the change is making me feel like i’ve already tried to hold myself a million little times, I try again, felicity in the way I falter, tell you endlessly, screaming colors of the ocean, push me in I adore it, let me live, I pour it out, strangers color me in the night, pieces of each of our mind, in a way we see each other demise each time, turn in, torn into sequins, sequential nightmares, its going to just end, in a way that I sink through the sun, into I construe again, I was just eighteen when I started this, made some friends I cherish, even, even if I lose them, I’ll still have a memory, of my beloveds smiling back at me, seen me grow, seen me weak, bleeding in through my knees, crying on their shoulders, painful hollow little laughter, walking through a tunnel, holding onto each other, I’ll love them like no other like a dream, no other could it be, in my perfect dream, many lifetimes lived with thee.
May 4, 2025
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Feb 24, 2025
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Feb 26, 2025
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i often just want to paint real quick. intending to just dabble a bit. before i know it. i’m deep into the painting. completely absorbed. i might think - that’s enough for today. but then i notice a small corner that needs attention. and suddenly. two more hours have flown by. it’s like time doesn’t exist when i’m in that zone. leaving the studio feels almost surreal. as if i’m stepping back into reality from another world. i have this with absolutely nothing else
Feb 24, 2025