She's just so fine, and funny, which have always been my biggest weaknesses, her pouty lips and curly hair, long legs, obscure tattoos. her yelling softly "fuck my life" at the smallest inconveniences with a voice unable to be raised even if she tried, the awkward giggles while she tries to get a sentence out, only just to be like "nevermind". i tell her "it's okay, i know what you mean." when she's hungry and finally gets to eat her favorite food, i'll ridicule how gross i find Uncrustables, she calls me a loser and i agree. She shouldn't really be smoking so much weed, but her pink red hazy eyes accompanied with a pretty birthmark to the bottom left of her gorgeous stoned set has me buying the bud here and there. the best worst part? all of this is only slightly self destructive, because i know when she can, she'll also do the same for me. she calls me out on my dumb behavior, loves my art when i don't, hears my family problems and understands religious trauma. her music taste is actually insane shit i've never heard before, it gives me a new face to look at when i look at her side profile as she drives crazily. TLDR: i go to bed every night somberly thinking of us. this isn't anyone's wrong doing, i don't wanna crush anymore.
there’s something about dedicating a piece of your heart & imagination to a person, often, for me, with zero reciprocation. the desire to love & be loved growing stronger everyday, dreams flooded with their smile, voice. i like to think i’m happy with the made-up scenarios & longing looks, or maybe i’m just a coward.
i am fully aware that i am thinking about her, and possibly, probably not the other way around. that's because she is not mine, the crush is mine!!! an important distinction: a crush is not the relationship, it is separate, however informed it may be by the actual relationship. a crush does not necessarily capture or define the woman of its desire. a crush does not concern itself with accuracy, however detailed it might be. my crush is an overgrown weed of curiosity and attention. it is my fantasy, my story to tell myself. which is to say, it's my creation. i am behind it. though the attention and ideation is about her, i am responsible. it's important to take such responsibility, to understand i am the one generating feelings of possibility, romance, hope, butterflies, foolishness, self-consciousness, and to not only accept this responsibility, but claim ownership and to be in on it. of course, this is my ham-fisted attempt at a semblance of control that derives from the agony and ecstasy of having no control.
…NOT
I am in shambles, we’ve had convos b4 about relationship stuff and he’s in this period where he’s not actively looking/wanting to be in a relationship, why is NOW the time I develop substantial feelings 😭
unplug the life support and put me down 😔
