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My true passion is whatever fucked up combination of drugs and alcohol you consumed the last time you woke up and said “never again.” The Instagram account @regret_counter serves as an archive for your bad nights out, and though I am its humble bureaucrat, I am mostly just a fan of your fortitude, your bad choices, and your capacity for White Claw.
Feb 28, 2023
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Bonus points if you send them to people with some message you thought was hilarious in the moment, but in all actuality it wasn’t you were just too drunk to read it properly.
Apr 14, 2025
Ur hearting your ex’s instagram story, I’m reviewing a 2021 Plavac Mali we are not the same
6h ago
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I do this for my east coast early risers™️. I offer you a real time vision into authentic west coast desperation. Rejoice! You will never know me. I am too far away, and too far lost for my words to reach the best of you. The Sun rises over your ocean & sets over mine. That which shines & sings on you will, within the hour, spite me & spit upon me. And I will sleep sweetly through it, soaked in the excrement of Amun Ra. His holy semen will glue my eyelids shut & grant me safe passage through the underworld.
Aug 17, 2024
Top Recs from @alissa-bennett
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You have to haul your face around for your entire life, and there’s just no getting around it. As someone who is lurching perilously toward what us old people refer to as “the wrong side of 40,” I am here from your future to tell you not to be afraid, because you can retain your hotness with a little planning! Ever since my very best stage mother and personal BFF Lena Dunham publicly called me out for my elaborate skin care regimen, I’ve been getting questions, so let’s start at the basics and move into the baroque… I don’t think expensive products really make a difference, but if you love them and they make you feel good, by all means waste the money you should be saving for treatments (more on that in a minute) on a 50 step routine—it’s your life! I prefer to streamline because I am old and tired, so while I have definitely tried all of those ritzy oil cleansers and I DO LIKE THEM, in general I think Cetaphil and a microfiber cloth is fine. I usually only wash my face at night and follow it up with some Retin A mixed with a nice heavy moisturizer or oil, and I seal the whole shit in with Aquaphor before going to sleep on a special pillow that doesn’t deform my face. The morning is when things get complicated, because I am a firm believer in all of those gadgets that dermatologists tell you don’t work: I like a red light mask followed by either microcurrent, a muscle stimulation device, or radio frequency, and I follow that up with a CE ferulic serum, hyaluronic acid, moisturizer, and sunscreen. Take your collagen and a vitamin D-K supplement every day, and stay the fuck out of the sun!
Feb 28, 2023
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I love cemeteries, and living in New York gives us proximity to some of the east coast’s great jewels. Deliver your regards and a Coca Cola to spendthrift heiress Barbara Hutton at the Woolworth family’s sphinx-guarded mausoleum in Woodlawn Cemetery, have a picnic in Sleepy Hollow, or spend a day at The Hartsdale Pet Cemetery , America’s oldest and greatest eternal resting place for rich people’s animals. If you are of a mind to travel, do not miss the spookiest family plot in all of America, Stockbridge Massachusetts’ Sedgwick Pie (it’s also just a stone’s throw from Edith Wharton’s house), or skip over to Rhode Island (my ancestral homeland) and take a tour of our little state’s notorious smattering of vampire graveyards.
Feb 28, 2023
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Society’s punitive cruelties are meted out by women in Jacques Doucet gowns and condemnation is served over terrapin with a Roman Punch chaser, but don’t let Edith Wharton’s antique references distract from what is really being offered here: a soul-crushing buffet of confessional gossip more contemporary in texture than one might think. Masterpieces like The Age of Innocence and The House of Mirth often get shunted over to the retirement village section of the bookstore (those shitty rotating racks of classics that are tucked discreetly in a corner so they don’t offend culture’s youthful sensibilities), but if you can’t find them there, don’t be afraid to march right up to the counter and ask in your loudest and most self-righteous voice what kind of establishment doesn’t carry Edith Wharton. Read The Custom of The Country for Edith’s eviscerating portrait of Gilded Age venality and follow it up with a couple of her ghost stories.
Feb 28, 2023