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I’m a perfectionist. Surprise surprise. Many people don’t really believe me when I say this, because I’m sort of messy, I never unpack my luggage after a trip, I have 50 different tote bags all around my house all filled with random things I don’t want to put away, and I procrastinate. But every time I have a show, I’m like…no one talk to me before I go onstage. No one come near me. Amanda (my manager) is the only person I like to be around pre show. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have like ā€œthe BEST SHOW EVERā€ and when anything goes slightly wrong…you knowwww I’m crying the second I step off stage. So on my most recent US tour, I got off to a little bit of a rocky start with some tech issues, which the audience obviously thought nothing of, lol, but I get soooo sad and down on myself whenever anything like that happens. I had one show in LA in January at the Fonda, and no offense to the venue but the sound was whack, and my in ears weren’t working, and I had no onstage monitors…so I was like…TERRIBLE. I was so defeated and stressed during my performance it was just a mess. The kicker was that everyone from my label was at the show, which I didn’t know until after i stepped off stage..sobbing. I’ve found it really comforting to watch youtube compilation videos of pop stars / musicians having tech issues, or just giving like bad performances lol. It’s the content that half of my suggested videos on youtube is made up of lol. It’s comforting to see that these sort of bumps in the road don’t really go away, but experience performing allows you to handle it better. Lol at that clip of BeyoncĆ© on stage saying ā€œsomebody’s getting fired.ā€ I watch the compilations to reaffirm that it’s not me doing anything wrong, per say, and that everybody, BeyoncĆ© included has a show that isn’t ā€œperfectā€ every now and then.
Dec 20, 2022

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I’m usually a tv girl. I always binge watch series for hours sitting in my room, and I also have a strange habit of bailing on a show a few episodes before the series finale lol. Idk what that’s all about. Literally watched Ozark NONSTOP for days and then got to season 4 episode 2, and was like….suddenly i’m out. Currently working on bailing on Gilmore Girls because every character is in desperate need of a vow of silence. BUT recently I’ve been movie marathoning. Watching, like..three movies in a row. This seems super boring and normal, but it is like an exercise in paying fucking attention to one thing at a time, which I struggle with lol. Recently, my manager and I were upstate sitting by a fireplace and we watched Autumn Sonata, followed by the Blair Witch Project, and ended the day with Eyes Wide Shut. I’d never seen Eyes Wide Shut, it’s cuteness overload. Boobies galore. Autumn Sonata had me weeping - went into it thinking it was just a cozy fall movie about two girls who do nothing (my favorite genre) lmao. But yeah, having a movie marathon day instead of a watching tv while looking at your phone moment, is a lot more fun imo.
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