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crucial survival tip. not everyone is lucky to have their mom in their lives. maybe they passed or they can barely take care of themselves let alone you or you’ve been estranged from them for over a decade because they are very scary narcissist... whatever the case - just because you don’t have one around, it doesn’t mean you can’t be soft and gentler to yourself and create your own safe space that attempts to fill the void because we all need warmth and nurturing
Feb 7, 2024
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My mom is a wounded person that has never once worked on her issues. We are in an okay place now, honestly because I am now married and have children. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t know where I would stand with her. She very obviously did not like me for most of my life (which is crazy because I’m delightful!). Because of that, I spent years not speaking to her while I worked on healing from all of that, plus more.
I’ve been thinking about your question a lot. I am a mother, but I also work with mothers. I am a child therapist that not only works with children, but also their parents. Most parents that bring their kids to me love their children, but don’t know what to do. I’ve witnessed parents that I know love their children, and I’ve seen give them so much love, also act in ways that are toxic or abusive. I think every single parent has generational trauma unless they have intentionally worked on it.
I’m going to try to share some of my thoughts, although it will probably never feel complete or right.
I am a good mother to a 3 1/2 year year-old and eight month old, Here is what I intentionally do: I give lots of physical affection, and lots of praise. I praise my children when they are doing some thing that is helpful, that is kind, that I know is difficult for them. I try to ignore negative bids for attention as long as they are not dangerous. If my child makes a mistake, I react like it’s no big deal. If I do lose my cool, which does happen, I model how to regulate myself and I apologize. I always repair when it’s needed. Every day, I work in telling them how much I love them, and how happy I am that I get to be their mother. My 3 1/2 year-old is still sometimes slow to warm, and I never once pushed him to detach for me before he was ready. When something stops working, I take the time to see where I need to adjust. Just about every evening I run through our day and think about what went well or didn’t, what was going on, how I reacted, how I was feeling, how my kids were feeling. As parents, we need to lead the emotional environment. I will sometimes look up where my kids are at developmentally to make sure I am not putting too much demand on them. I let my 3 1/2 year-old negotiate. I think negotiation is an important skill. When I say no, he knows I’m serious. It’s clear when negotiating is not going to happen. I pay attention to their attitude and behaviors and lead them to what will best regulate them. I embrace and engage their curiosity. I try my best to be a safe person for them so that no matter what, they know I’ve got their backs.
There is so much more that I could say, but I am going to stop there. All of that works for me because I am me, and my kids are who they are. I feel I should shout out my husband because he is an active father and partner, and I can be a good mother because of that support. As my kids age, I know there are going to be struggles. I know there are going to be things that come out of left field for me and I’m going to have to figure out how to handle it. But what I’ve learned in the few years I've been a parent is that no hard period lasts forever.
I learned how to be a mother because I learned how to mother myself first. I spent a lot of years learning how to care and love for myself. I feel very, very grateful for my past self. Focus on that first. Become Your Own Mother.
Nov 18, 2024
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maybe mom doesn’t always know best, but she knows best about a lot of things. maybe most. i think it makes perfect sense that in a lot of cultures, religions, and spiritual traditions that the “mother” can be such a key figure; from Mary to Gaia, it’s like humans have always known this in our bones (and if you don’t have a mom to call, a mother figure works just as well!)
Apr 28, 2024
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Today I called my mom because my life feels really out of control right now. I’ve been trying to do it all by myself but today I broke down. Today I felt like I couldn’t fight anymore. This is what she said to me:
“I love you. I know who you are. You know who you are. Everything is fine. I will always be here with you.”
Mar 5, 2024
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promotes positivity
pro tip, dreams don’t always make sense - so when weird/bad stuff happens, you can shrug it off and be like wow what a weird dream bro 🤷
Feb 6, 2024
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been extra conscious of it this week and have been feeling better than ever. be nice to your brain and your body
Apr 4, 2025