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So, I'm just 10 days away from graduation, and today I was journaling, reflecting on my university journey. It's honestly mind-blowing to realise that I've gone through three years of university without being part of one of those friend groups you see everywhere—those tight-knit circles that attend classes together, study together, eat together. I did all of that solo. It's not to boast or anything; I just can't help but feel like I might have missed out on what many consider "the best part of their uni life."
To be clear, I do have uni friends (all two of them), but it's not like we do things together much. Maybe I'll visit one of them once or twice a month. So yeah, I'm feeling a bit conflicted about it all. And I can already imagine how awkward it might be at the graduation ceremony when everyone else has flowers and gifts, and there I am, standing alone (it's kind of funny to think about, tbh).
Overall, I think I struggle with making friends in general. It's not because I'm standoffish or anything like that; I just take a while to open up and let my guard down. I'm not great at small talk or joking around with people I've just met. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm writing all this here, but I think I'll copy it into my journal now.
Jun 29, 2024
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Warning pointless rant to the internet void:
Ever since moving to college I don’t have my friends I did in highschool that mattered so much to me. It has been really hard to find people who want to actually stick with me through everything, do things with me, and hear what I have to say. I honestly always feel like a last resort here. Everyone will casually cancel plans or flake or ghost and I’m tired of it.
Apr 17, 2025
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I left all social media for something like five years and only posted on a small insular abandoned app during that time and that was the main way I communicated with people. After feeling repeatedly hurt and misunderstood and wondering why it was so hard to build earnest connections through this medium I decided to leave. I realized that constantly narrativizing my life with no filter gave me no space to process or examine and kept me trapped in deeply baked-in stories in my head.
Anyway I’ve maintained contact with a small handful of my closest friends and it has honestly been somewhat difficult keeping in touch to the same degree as I did before about everyone’s day to day lives.
I think the hardest part is being the odd one out so you’re missing out on the tidbits they share in this one centralized place for the purpose of economy and time and that’s something you kind of just have to accept. There’s a certain level of meticulous detail that may be lost to you and I think interactions become more of a broad big-picture thing; not being so bogged down in the mundanity allows you to engage with more distance and perspective which can lead to greater depth and emotional honesty.
And then it’s funny because the communication you’re engaging in becomes so direct that rather than everything being so uniform and kind of tossed out there, everything has to be very intentional and personal.
You have to choose to reach out, again and again; you also have to choose when to give people space. You have to be very conscious of the balance between giving and taking because everything isn’t just being offered all at once indirectly on both sides—and this balance won’t always be perfect and sometimes you might not handle it in the most perfect way.
I decided at the beginning of the year that intentionality would be my main theme and I’m still working on it. So I don’t really have the answers but engaging with friends off of social media shapes everything in new and interesting ways and those are some thoughts I’ve had as I begin to navigate this…
Feb 24, 2025
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The last birthday i had people come to gather to celebrate was when I turned 21. It was small but it was a sole group of people I love, some I miss, and one who has sadly passed. Ever since that day, no one has ever surprised me or tried to do anything for my birthday. I usually spend them alone, in turn makes me quite sad and amplifies my desire for likeminded people to share time with. Not my birthday…but I’m 25 now and seeing all of those people move on, come together every once ina while for occasions, and go their own ways makes me miss them a lot. I’ve kept in touch with 1 but recently It feels like that’s over as well.
I just want to be apart of something.
Everyday I want to reach out to these people, and I feel the need to apologize, and explain myself, end express how much I’ve loved seeing them grow into their own. I talk myself out everyday. Out of fear? Not focusing on my own needs? Or not knowing if they want to even talk to me anymore. Part of me feels tainted, conditioned to the idea that I destroy anything I touch or anyone I talk to.
I want to be apart, Be with people I admire. Get invited to things. Do things with others. But all the doors to those opportunities feel closed.
I may have been the one to close those doors but they don’t feel closed to me.
I miss these people very much and want them in my life.
Mar 11, 2025
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Rejection is the worst thing that can happen, and tbh it isn't really THAT bad.
Sep 2, 2024
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and having to use all my willpower to stop myself from breaking into a spontaneous dance
sun on my skin and shygirl in my ears. #inlovewithliving
May 8, 2024
May 8, 2024
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Honestly, it feels kinda liberating 🧘♀️
Most of the people I had on there were my high school friends. Ever since I moved to a different country for uni, we’ve naturally drifted apart. We don’t really keep in touch anymore, whether it’s video calls, texting, or anything else.
I kept it for so long because I thought it would be nice to see what my high school friends were up to and maybe update them on my life too. But after some serious journaling and being honest with myself, I realised there’s really no point in holding on to it anymore.
I was keeping it around to give myself a sense of false hope—hoping that one day we’d reconnect and things would go back to how they were. But deep down, I know the chances of that are pretty slim.
We’ve all moved on and grown in different directions, and that’s okay.
Aug 8, 2024