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This may not be of any comfort to you or your friends you speak of, however, I’m noticing this from my side of the fence from friends and myself re-entering dating as well
I’m certain your friends embody the positive aspects you describe, I do believe you, I believe the same about many of my other friends but I have witnessed a couple things from dating and seeing friends partner up:
- i notice culture today rewards achievement and the ability to aim for something in relationships that are greater, more desirable, more novel at any moments notice. maybe there’s an observable lack of commitment because men believe that something better could come along relationship wise (despite any behavior or action contradicting)
- plenty of my friends (women/gay men) would be great for their partners on paper but I am certain I won’t have the full understanding of the dynamics unless I’m directly observing, plus my judgement gets cloudy if I hear secondhand accounts of men not having their shit together from friends (because I wanna take their side as a friend if it’s egregious and the dude is lame but also want to push back and determine if they’re giving unrealistic standards or not)
I’m not an expert this is very long winded but maybe there’s no valor in patience and sacrifice of this nature, hence men not delivering often.
I’m certain your friends embody the positive aspects you describe, I do believe you, I believe the same about many of my other friends but I have witnessed a couple things from dating and seeing friends partner up:
- i notice culture today rewards achievement and the ability to aim for something in relationships that are greater, more desirable, more novel at any moments notice. maybe there’s an observable lack of commitment because men believe that something better could come along relationship wise (despite any behavior or action contradicting)
- plenty of my friends (women/gay men) would be great for their partners on paper but I am certain I won’t have the full understanding of the dynamics unless I’m directly observing, plus my judgement gets cloudy if I hear secondhand accounts of men not having their shit together from friends (because I wanna take their side as a friend if it’s egregious and the dude is lame but also want to push back and determine if they’re giving unrealistic standards or not)
I’m not an expert this is very long winded but maybe there’s no valor in patience and sacrifice of this nature, hence men not delivering often.
Jul 3, 2024
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❓i don’t know you so take this with a grain of salt if it doesn’t apply to you. i’ve also never had a long-term romantic relationship so maybe i’m not the best person to listen to anyway. BUT i do have a beautiful community of long-lasting friendships which i believe has given me the skills to be successful in a future romantic partnership
i guess my point is it might be helpful to focus on developing friendships and community first. who knows, a date might come out of it too! but i’ve gone on dates with people who don’t have many friends before and it’s turned out to be a red flag cuz they haven't had experience with relationships in general
also, i've noticed the times i've most wanted to be in a relationship are times when i haven’t connected with my friends in awhile. desire for romance can be a signal for general human connection sometimes. so having a good community might fulfill some of the needs you’re feeling too. but i know it’s a different thing than being head over heels for someone… all depends on what we’re looking for i guess
all the advice on this thread is great for both dating and making friends though! i hope you find lots of meaningful connections of all kinds in the process ✨
also, i've noticed the times i've most wanted to be in a relationship are times when i haven’t connected with my friends in awhile. desire for romance can be a signal for general human connection sometimes. so having a good community might fulfill some of the needs you’re feeling too. but i know it’s a different thing than being head over heels for someone… all depends on what we’re looking for i guess
all the advice on this thread is great for both dating and making friends though! i hope you find lots of meaningful connections of all kinds in the process ✨
Mar 16, 2024
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🔗…NOT!
This NYT article was interesting but did nothing to comfort me with the state that modern dating is in. I want the love that chases me down at the airport and stops me from getting on the plane. I want the love that will fight for me. Or at the very least, wants me to stay, is willing to be inconvenienced and look foolish, and is willing to keep trying, not for perfection, but for true growth and vulnerability with another flawed mortal being.
This NYT article was interesting but did nothing to comfort me with the state that modern dating is in. I want the love that chases me down at the airport and stops me from getting on the plane. I want the love that will fight for me. Or at the very least, wants me to stay, is willing to be inconvenienced and look foolish, and is willing to keep trying, not for perfection, but for true growth and vulnerability with another flawed mortal being.
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🎱I feel that people are more and more demanding when looking for a partner and practically at the minimum they tend to "give up" instead of trying to mediate and do their part (both men and women). The mistake-solution habit has been lost and it is easier to run away than to face problems, especially when you are getting to know someone.
Apart from the fact that, for whatever reason, it's harder to have that spark with someone to fall in love, I think it's because relationships have been idealized too much.
Why doesn't anyone feel like building with each other? Nobody wants to do the work it takes to have a relationship, it's not just being, it takes time, investment, changes, adjustments and there is no desire to do that anymore. Or there are few of us who have that desire.
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