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im a hardcore people pleaser. when i started getting into heroin heavily i noticed how when i was on the bus i was able to assert myself and be rude to people who deserved it. the compulsion to be a walking punching bag was something i loathed about myself. i was always the first to apologize when someone else bumped into me. it was humiliating, but i couldnāt stop it without dope.
eventually i found myself unable to financially maintain a 6 bag a day habit. i got on methadone. train rides into manhattan became unbearable as i sunk back into sycophantic hysteria. i could no longer advocate for myself when a creep sat across the aisle staring at me for 10 stops. i gazed at my phone, unable to look away for a second in case i accidentally made eye contact with yet another creep who wouldnāt leave me alone. so i started taking xanax. like heroin, it allowed me to slip into bitchiness easily.
iāll save you all the whining about how awful heroin and xanax addiction was. itās obvious why using drugs to be a bitch isnāt sustainable. it took a long time but i quit xanax and got off methadone. a little over a year ago i cut out the last three mind altering substances in my daily rotation. in a fresh state of clarity, i found myself right back where i was ten years prior.. being a doormat to assholes on public transportation.
getting high definitely allowed me to be the bitch i always wanted to be.
but (in my authentic corny ass overly earnest fashion) i have found my life to be more full by accepting myself and dealing with who i really am. using drugs to put me in bitch mode didnāt make me that bitch. the yearning for acceptance just festered deeper and deeper inside of my core. iām still working on my people pleasing ways, one interaction at a time. i guess itās something that iāll always have to fight. but i feel so much stronger facing my flaws with a clear mind.
i continue to be the first to apologize when someone bumps into me on the bus. itās ok though. slowly i am gaining the ability to advocate for myself when it really matters. without being a bitch.
Jul 22, 2024
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as a self-claimed lover of loved, beloved of all (itās acc what my full name means so maybe my fam created this character trait for me idk) ā people be testing you.
people be inherently projecting their own problems, contingencies against thr faith of all things good, and you are left unassembling and cleaning up shit in an apartment that you havenāt lived in since June (damage deposit of peeling paint and tired souls)
Itās so hard to continue the path of grace, to be āthe better personā ā so much of my life, Iāve contained my rage, bottled it into journal-entry analyses of āhow to be a better personā
sometimes thoā¦ I want to rip everything to shreds. Shout FUCK YOU not to the void of my car on long pursuits of unhappiness down the highway, but to the people who made me question my ability to love, to feel love.
I hate it all. but I gotta keep moving forward š§ļøš“ā”ļøš„š„š„š„š„š„š„š„ššš¤š¾
Aug 30, 2024
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Itās a skill that only gets less scary with practice. Do it with people you wonāt ever see again, and do small things! As you get more confident then you can level up to bigger conflict. Like, itās really amazing how much things arenāt that big of a deal. Anxiety makes it seem to us like weāre unsafe for stating our needs.
My journey was one that included a lot of therapy, which if you look at my stuff I recommend a lot. I was always very willing and able to stand up for others, but not myself, so I did a lot of questioning āif this was someone else, would I be okay with it?ā and imagining that I was standing up for younger me. Often times over the top people pleasing was a survival tool that was needed, but isnāt any more.
Alsoā¦ realize you donāt have to be a bitch. Asking for respect and your needs to be met isnāt bitchy. Does that mindset stop you from standing up for yourself? Conflict can be very simple, straightforward, and respectful. If someone goes off on you, thatās their issue. And thatās something that helped me a lot too- other peopleās reactions werenāt entirely because of me. If someone reacted poorly, I could also draw boundaries with how Iām being treated. Pretty cool. Makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Lastly, I worked as a caseworker with DCFS for a few years and that really helped me in the long run. I had to work with and try to help people that hated me, and I learned a lot. While I donāt recommend anyone work for DCFS bc itās a shit system, being forced to experience conflict so much did the trick.
Jul 22, 2024
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Itās soooo easyā¦ so temptingā¦ and yet I know it will leave me even emptier than before
Trying to adopt the mitski my love is mine all mine approach and be grateful for the love Iāve given rather than resenting it
Feb 28, 2024
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grateful i was able to catch this weird little subculture while it was new
Jul 22, 2024
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i was far too busy getting completely obliterated to do so in my early 20s. (do not recommend.)
but the experience of doing schoolwork now feels like it did as a little kid. you know.. before puberty knocked me awake to the reality of my shitty home life, which caused a haze of depression to fall over me.
in my single digit years i remember being so excited to do school work, and feeling so proud of myself when i did well. im getting a taste of that again.
i never lost the exhilarating feeling i got from gaining knowledge that truly excites me. but itās a beautiful new kinda thing with the added clarity gained from not being ripped on weed 24/7 and the added confidence gained from surviving the shit hand that was given to me as a kid.
hang in there šļø
Oct 28, 2024