Not a rec but here to tell you that I also donāt remember my childhood very well. I once had a conversation where I realized *I* was the weird one for not remembering much. I kind of wondered for a long time what was wrong with me. My memory is pretty bad generally to this day :/ Just putting this here so you feel a little less alone in this. My therapist will also try to get me to remember my child self but I feel pretty removed from her. It kind of sucks, but also I feel like i get glimpses⦠I recently started using stickers in my journal when Iāve completed a book, and it makes me feel like a child again, but I really love it. Maybe there are glimpses that will come to you, but itās hard to go looking for them
Nostalgia is so powerful. And so painful.
Iāve made Pinterest boards filled with hundreds of memories and toys and things that shaped my childhood. Iāve made playlists that include only songs that make me feel 6 years old again. Iāve watched movies that bring me the same wonder they did as when I watched them as a child.
But nothing will ever truly bring me back there. Itās gone forever. to know that I will never walk the halls of my elementary school building, or try and plant an apple seed in between the slides of the playground, or play tag with my best buddies ever again is something unbearable. life is so short. I miss it all of the time.
Adulthood has its perks as well. I never have to ask to go sleep over at a friends house and get told no. I can eat what i want. I can get a kitten if I feel like it. But I miss the simplicity and happiness of being a child. I miss just existing and being okay with that. i miss how I felt when I was 6, but I have to accept that I must leave that behind.
Maybe reincarnation is real. Maybe I will live through something like this life again?
There is an ache knowing I will never walk the same tiny footsteps as I once did. But alas, Iāll be 19 years from where Iām at now and miss this age just as much as I do then. The ache will take a new shape. And i will continue living on.
Ok this is pretty depressing, but i also find it really interesting. The first memory I can remember from the inside is when I was in the playground when I was 7. I was telling someone (I canāt even remember who) that my mum had cancer but that āsheās going to be ok thoughā. I remember knowing that no one had actually told me she would be ok, but that that was an extra bit I myself had added. Iām not totally sure if I even really understood what the concept of her being not ok would really involve, but I remember knowing that that was what people would want to hear and that I should add it for myself. I have some earlier memories than this, but none that include thought process so fully. Itās weird how the thought process feels the same as it does now, rather than feeling childlike, it feels the same as a thought process would feel now and I find that fascinating. I donāt know whether that moment would have stuck so strongly had my mother actually been ok, or whether it was knowing in hindsight that my lie had set up an incorrect expectation that made me feel weird about it? Who knows, but interesting nonetheless. I also find it interesting because nearly all my memories from that time are in the playground, and nearly none at home, which I imagine is my brain protecting itself. thanks brain, love you.