i graduated with my counseling masters in May and received Texas licensure at the end of July 🥳 i’m excited and grateful to be starting this new chapter! but i’m recovering from the burnout of a year of unpaid internship and feeling trepidatious about joining a group practice that could potentially take advantage of me or burn me out further. sadly a lot of group practices take a huge cut of counselor fees which makes me angry because don’t they remember the struggle of first starting out? plus a lot of the places i’ve applied to aren’t hiring entry level therapists. so i’m dragging my feet a bit and feeling pessimistic.
meanwhile i’m struggling to pay the bills with my part-time grocery store job and spiraling from financial anxiety. summers are hard for me anyway but i‘m trying to swim and see my friends as much as i can for mental health purposes. also started playing Cozy Grove on Switch which has been a lovely soothing distraction. and bringing my kindle to work so i can read more on my breaks.
i’m pre-grieving changes in my community too. my best friend of 16 years and her husband and toddler are moving to the other side of the world after being 5 mins from me the last few years. we’ve been friends and living in the same cities the whole time. i moved around a lot as a kid so i’ve never had such a long-term close proximity friendship. they’re family and i’ve only just begun grieving this change. my dear friend and roommate is also moving out in a few weeks because she’s contemplating moving cities/countries in the next year as well. my new roommate is a close friend who plans on staying in austin for the foreseeable future so it feels natural to build a home together and she’s big on hosting and community building too. so tons of relational shifts happening which take time to process.
all this on top of my personal existential crises of feeling distant from my faith, stuck in my religious trauma, and finally accepting my queerness earlier this year.
so i guess i’m struggling in this transitional period but i know it’s temporary and i do feel hopeful that my 30s are gonna be so so good once things finally start falling into place.
Aug 13, 2024
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I’ve taken some time to think about this, because so much I could say feels circumstantial. But here’s what I’ve come to:
I’m still technically early 30’s, but one thing I’ve noticed from myself and friends is a higher level of intentionality. There is an inherent drive to deepen bonds that are worth it, and moving energy away from those that are draining. In order to do that, you have to be intentional about building those connections. All my friends are busy, myself included, so we carve out time to spend together and make sure that happens at least monthly. I actually host a monthly game night which is intentionally very laid back and an opportunity to just have fun, because I know we all need it! I still make connections with new people, but there has to be a little something there for me to put my time and energy into creating something more.
I also found my focus shifting from short term to long term. That was uncomfortable for me. While I’m still a very in the moment person, I started actually thinking about how I wanted my life to look not just right now, but years from now.
It’s true that you’ll get a lot of clarity on who you are. I just am who I am, and I’m not trying things out anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m not open and curious and playful, but at my core I’m solid. Either people vibe with that or they don’t, it’s not personal to me. I don’t need to be liked by everyone, and I don’t need to like everyone.
Working on yourself is essential. We all have issues, most of them aren’t our fault, but it is our responsibility to work on them. We also all have core issues that will never fully go away, but can get better. Healing is a spiral and we’re never fully done. Life is healing, integrating, enjoying the new level, then leveling up again!
My 20s very much felt like a portal and now my 30s are feeling like a much different kind of one. Welcome to the club and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🥳
Jun 7, 2024
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18 - fell in love, made new great friends, got my license, experienced a new environment where no one thought I was dumb for what felt like the first time ever, found independence from my shitty home life and replaced it with silly car dinners and kisses with the person I loved. I think 18 was when I started healing but didn’t know yet that I needed to.
22 - so many new things that were scary but so fun and so special. Travelled to Japan with the same love from 18 and had so much fun exploring somewhere new with them, quit a shitty fucking job and became a florist which I had wanted for so long and loved all of it, got a new job and found what I’m passionate about. Felt supported.
27 - right now and it’s pretty good so far. healed from the love thats not for me anymore and now we’re friends (sometimes we make out by mistake but it’s fine it’s just an accident every time). going on dates that show no potential but collecting stories and experiences. . feeling really good about who I am. only 3 months in honestly so this might be premature coz the next 9 could suck.
Mar 31, 2024
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i’m quite scared of thinking about this, so i’m really only mustering up a reply in hopes that years from now i’ll look back on this and either think “aw” or “lmao she has no idea what’s in store”
in five years i’ll be 28 🧘♀️ i’m hoping i have had a chance to do some fulfilling travel. particularly other countries, maybe solo, for extended periods of time, really just immersing myself in humanity and the experience of being and community. i also hope i will have lived in a new city by then. columbus can’t tie me down 4everrr
i’m sure i will have fallen in love. maybe even again and again. hopefully first, with myself.
career wise, i would have liked to go back to grad school by then. but if not, there’s never a timeline on education. and education doesn’t have to come from formal institutions! so whether i have continued in higher education like i hope to or not, i hope i will have continued to learn something new every day.
in more concrete terms, i hope to continue working in nonprofit like i am right now for a couple more years before going back to school for my doctorate so i can become a professor. we will see if that’s the case! i just hope wherever i end up, i show myself grace and i am surrounded by love. i’m already filled with love, so i know it will come back to me in abundance someday! ❤️🔥
Feb 28, 2025
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remember to thank your local bees, they are working so hard this season. nature’s essential workers
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