Related Recs

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Standing Meetings

Instead of trying to schedule meetings, I’ve taken to going for a standing weekly or bi-weekly. Scheduling is replaced by skipping for the week. This works because I have a bunch of long term projects with collaborators right now, but it’s also nice because many of these people are friends of mine, so even if we don’t have updates we can just take the hour to catch up. This practice has bled into social life; I’ve now got a handful of monthly dinner dates in rotation.

@ariaelise

May 17, 2022

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many thoughts - maybe no answers

Join groups. Not paid classes. I think people often show up to paid classes with a friend or two, and are just generally more focussed on themselves and their little project considering they literally gave up money to be there. Instead: Find something like a community garden, a co-op supermarket, a mutual-aid volunteer group, an arts collective, the board of a local hospital or community center etc. People show up at these things alone...and if they show up with a friend, it is unlikely they BOTH will like it and have the time and desire to keep showing up. If you like it, and show up 2 or 3 times, you will get to know the other people who keep showing up! I feel like I am describing this poorly, but I have made meaningful connections with people in these settings and never from a bar or an event meant to meet people. Also, maybe we are different, but I am more interested in someone who takes time to put themself in this setting than someone who is at a bar at 2am. Quirky people are cool. Other thoughts: - Agree that consistency is key. I've read before that connection comes from being spontaneously in the same place at the same time over and over (not from planning rigid hangouts and putting them on your calendar a month out). I guess this manifests by becoming a regular at a cafe or a library branch or a park or joining a group like the ones above. Keep your eyes up and talk to the people who also show up over and over. (It's mot easy, I need to start doing this, I have many people I see over and over and chicken out about talking to.) - I sometimes target people I want to get to know....lol. Did they mention in passing they want to try X meal at Y restaurant? (Regardless of how you started talking). Great I'm gonna text them in 2 days from now and invite them to that plan. From putting in 0 effort to making friends in college, and paying for it, I now realize you need to be aggressive sometimes about asking people to plans, and those who are open and available and sociable will say yes, and maybe they'll ask you to hang next time! - The root of this is just talking to 923789 people and figuring out who is awake alert and attentive, so you have to find someone who isn't obsessed with their status quo, and who is willing to sit down at lunch with a stranger and shoot the shit. Circling back, I have found these people via community groups. I was really excited to think about this ask because I think people take close connections of all types for granted sometimes. Hope I said something worth anything.

@chlonline

Mar 16, 2024

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Being in random groupchats

I don’t mean with absolute randoms, nor do I mean with some of your distant old friends from the past. I mean this very sweet spot like the ones I get thrown into. The one’s with a perpetually rotating cast of 25-30 socially adjacent mid-twenty year olds coming together for advice, memes, inside jokes and party invites. About a year ago Perfectly-Imperfect alum Dagsen would just add me in these insane chats with 19 other random numbers and everyone would just frantically share fashion week party information. but over the course of the last 12 months I’ve seen the staying power and camaraderie within these chats. I suggest if you live in a metropolitan city try and make one of these happen.

@zack-bia

Apr 24, 2023

Top Recs from @bval

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World of Books:

It’s important to note that my Amazon dilemma is particularly potent because I used to have a firm belief that the next book I bought had to be in-store. This was, in part, inspired by Fran Lebowitz (someone I both love and fear), who says you have to touch a book in person to truly decide on it. But as I continued to shop in-store for my books in East London, I found that a type of hyper-curation takes place. Many bookstores, whether chains or independent, carry the same selection. This makes sense, as stores need to invest in books that are more likely to sell, but it also means shoppers are led into a quasi-algorithmic experience of book shopping. To find more niche titles, you almost always have to turn to online sources (see above). To find a happy medium, I’ve started using the resale site World of Books. You can find pretty much anything and everything there. and always at a discount

@bval

Sep 18, 2024

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Scavenging scraps of time to write

In university, I needed a really strict environmental setup to even think about starting an essay. I needed my water bottle, a good table in the library, enough sleep, and a full belly. The library had to be quiet, and in more extreme cases, I even brought earplugs. Lately, during my lunch hour at my nine-to-five job, I've been using the time to write, often tucked away or sitting on the floor around the office. I tap away at whatever I can get down, to later return to and edit. I have to take these stolen moments. I'm too hazy in the morning to write, and too tired of looking at screens in the evening. Weekends are often sacred for friends and rest. I think, for many of us, the new habit of writing won’t be glorious, long-haul manic frenzies. It’ll be about taking sips here and there, getting down on the page whatever we can.

@bval

Sep 18, 2024

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Beginners

Mike Mills' film Beginners is actually what made me start my Substack. After the credits rolled and the screen went black, I kept walking around, talking to friends and family, unable to shut up about it. I had to keep grinding down the topic of love, how bad people are at it, and how childlike we are in it, over and over again. Then, while watching Fire of Love, I realized Miranda July (recent author of All Fours and another current obsession of mine) was narrating it. Looking at her Wikipedia page I realized that the two of them are MARRIED. They have the most beautiful photo together, young and in love and in bed. When I look at it I try to imagine if they, like me in all my relationships, were also bad at loving and being loved in the beginning. 

@bval

Sep 18, 2024