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Ugh I feel you and that is rough! Itās hard because everybody has different standard of messiness. Sometimes it simply comes down to a skills issue. Hard to know but honestly itās not for you to figure out, thatās for him!
With that being said, since this is your friend, I think that you should be open with him about how you feel while also making it clear you want to work together to figure something out. Iāve done chore charts with roommates in the past and that really worked out well. I think itās important that you have some things in mind but also make it a collaborative effort so he doesnāt feel like you are just putting these demands on him. He will be much more likely to follow through if he helped create it.
I suggest also being very clear with yourself (and him) about what things are most bothersome for you that you really need to have a hard boundary around, and what things you can let slip. I say this because if you are giving that same energy to everything it is going to make things emotionally difficult for you. if he has been living this way thus far, thereās going to be a margin of error here. So I wouldnāt necessarily share what the less important things are, but the most important things.
This is going to be an ongoing process. You might find that some things are working really well and other things arenāt, so you come together to figure out how you can adjust to make it work better. I do think that this conversation really needs to happen though because resentment can build up really easily, especially if youāve mentioned it before and nothing has happened.
Sep 18, 2024
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- be a good communicator. if you have a problem or are unclear on something or need to make something clear one cannot expect anyone to have the same norms. talk and be on the same page and establish that dynamic for the inevitable times it needs to happen
- figure out respective grocery + dishes + cookware + general belongings ecosystem. some houses can just be communal some have to be separate. depends on who yall are. gotta know which and gotta respect it
- just clean everything you were using in a public space if you donāt intend to keep using it
i feel like when i had roommates our biggest issues were not figuring these things out. but just talking about everything is the biggest one that way if someone is disappointed or angry about something itās either based in reality or itās not
May 22, 2024
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if it's your friend you can be gentle but direct. you can explain that you think the common spaces should be respected more, and even offer to help clean it up with them the first time around (though if it's strictly their mess that shouldn't be the norm). honesty is the best policy here, so if it keeps being an issues, have another convo.
Sep 18, 2024
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Found notes on a teaching by Dave Lomas, a teaching pastor in San Francisco. Pushing religious beliefs aside, he had a super practical moment where he taught on community (and friendships / relationships) and said you have to ask yourself a few questions when beginning friendships / relationships. This might not work for everyone but it has helped me greatly so I figured I'd share.
āAre my expectations _________?ā
(1) CONSCIOUS - You need to become aware of your expectations for community. Sit by yourself and ask, āWhat am I expecting from this group/friendship/relationship?ā - Do you have a conscious awareness of what you are actually seeking out? You need specifics / details.
(2) REALISTIC - Are your expectations realistic? Truthfully, are they? Am I asking for things that the people around me can actually do? - Don't ask for things that you would not be able to realistically make happen for them, example: 'I need them to check in on me every single day'
(3) SPOKEN - Have you clearly and directly spoken these expectations to that person? You cannot keep things in your mind only and then be disappointed when people around you never seem to keep fulfill expectations (they cannot read your mind!!!)
(4) AGREED UPON - People have to agree to these. You cannot make people do things they do not want to do (or cannot do). They must agree to the things you have spoken out loud. You cannot be upset if they are unable to hit all your needs / wants.
A lot of issues can be fixed using this. Some of us arenāt aware of what we want, and we are surprised when weāre hurt. Some of are are holding unrealistic expectations! Some of us havenāt spoken our expectations, and are hurt when they arenāt keptā¦And some of are are unfairly holding people to things that they never agreed to! - Revisit these categories often + hold yourself to the same system."
AGAIN PLEASE LOOK AWAY FROM ANY RELIGIOUS IDEAS AS HE DID NOT INCLUDE ANY HERE, THIS FELT MORE LIKE A PEP TALK. HEARD THIS YEARS AGO AND STILL HELPS ME TODAY.
Apr 28, 2024
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For some reason this brings me into my parasympathetic nervous system
Mar 28, 2025
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Humans have always danced. It is part of who we are, yet we have been conditioned to be self conscious, to think that we do not move our bodies good enough. Dancing is beyond judgement. Dancing is not a skill, it is our soul moving through our bodies, expressed in movement. Dancing is healing. Dancing is bodily autonomy. Dancing is FUN! Any feeling you are feeling can be moved through with dance yet even alone, you fear looking foolish. Kill the judge in your mind, shut the fuck up, and MOVE š
2d ago
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OH BROTHER THIS GUY actually needs a lot of empathy and understanding
Apr 2, 2025