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For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.
Oct 16, 2024
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
I don't have many friends from severe CTPSD and probably a hint of autism. At least I had an ex yell at me that I'm not normal, while I was standing on a sidewalk and holding a baby.
He kept bringing up issues and problems, while I brought up practical solutions. He did not like that.
I had another ex who very sweetly interpreted body language for me in real time. But then he wanted me to speak/respond in certain ways he'd watched on TV. I read books more than I watched shows growing up.
I'm sorry I'm not normal. I'm sorry I'm not programmed in the same language.
I often felt people were speaking a foreign tongues, despite us all using English. The hidden/true meanings of what they said seemed like common knowledge to them, while I took it at face value, or struggled to translate what they were really telling me.
Lately I'm running on vibes and actions. Words are whatever.
12h ago
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I am pretty certain that I am with the person I'm going to marry. We've been through so much together and no one in the world has ever known me as intimately as he does. My soul is crystal clear to him. And he loves me.
Most importantly, he is always ready to learn even more about me and to evolve with me and to make space for me in his life, in his habits, and in his behaviour.
I love him so much. I'm so lucky. I hope I find him in all my other lives. I hope we're together until the end of time.
Nov 29, 2024
My baby son makes my life so beautiful. Unbelievable luck that we live in the world where we have befriended cats and that they can trust us and would seem so overjoyed to see us come home. This little guy's in my home and I am in his.
Nov 30, 2024
But I call him poopie, monkey, pukicho, angel bear, or munino.
Feb 14, 2025