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anti-rec: brain chemistry

this might be the most raw thing to date i've posted on here but i need to vent and i can't figure out where else besides my silly little blog to do it, so consider this a ramble warning of sorts. i'm someone who's somehow obsessed with outcomes and numbers and grades and whatever number my brain dictates "success", but i'm also someone who is often physically incapable of working on something that doesn't interest me, no matter how easy it should be. a gp appointment i'm supposed to have at least yearly for an important medical condition that would take five minutes to book? i procrastinate for four years because it falls into the kind of paperwork-admin task i hate most. a simple piece of 10 minute paperwork that would resolve my (significant) stresses around finances altogether once submitted? seven months to complete. it's not a level of procrastination that i can even joke about or find funny. it's this inability to work on simple tasks that's so intense it makes me feel ill. my uni gives me the ability to request flexible deadlines so i can get extensions on assignments, but it doesn't help - it just pushes the deadline back further and i will procrastinate on it for longer. i hate getting bad grades, i hate late penalties, but that hatred only sets in once i get the grade - i physically cannot make myself care about it while i'm trying to finish it before submission if it doesn't interest me. i try and take only the modules i like the most but there aren't enough of them. i hate it so much because being unable to make myelf care about assignments while simultaneously obsessing so much over success when it comes to the results just means i'm disappointed every time. i've tried literally everything to motivate myself - genuinely everything under the sun - and i cannot make myself care. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i've contacted everyone, every possible department and support group and whatever i can think of for help and it's all been useless. it doesn't matter that i already have a diagnosis for a heavily comorbid condition; two years later and no matter how closely all of my symptoms match the diagnosis i know i have, i keep getting rejected for any further help. and no matter what help i request for the diagnosis i already have, i'm never given any of it. because i'm not nonverbal and seem vaguely like i can cope on my own, it's sink or swim. i've been referrred to nonexistent phonelines, nonexistent emails, random blogs - the medical system i'm supposed to rely on genuinely doesn't care. i feel like i'm going insane. i know this stuff is genetic and even though it's not his fault, i see my own patterns in my dad and it disgusts me. i hate this. i hate it so much.

@ravioli

Mar 29, 2025

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ACTUALLY, YES

I knew other people felt this way (now, after finding out why I did) but I've never seen it described so accurately! I'm not saying we are 100% going through the same thing, but I'd give it a 90% chance here based on how much this describes me. for me, it turned out that I had c-ptsd from chronic overstimulation and emotional/medical neglect as a kid - just enough to go under everyone's radar. I am autistic, but my parents were in denial, nobody really "knew" or confirmed it because I was forced and eventually became able to "act normal" despite still being a big bullying target and a little weirdo in private. but beyond the social aspects, these symptoms you've described and what I've felt turned out to be a reaction to something I've forgotten long ago. I was physically looking fine, emotionally seeming okay on the outside (because I shut down outwardly rather than melt down), but I went through repetitive unaccomidated experiences that hurt me in the long run. but I didn't have a big traumatic event I could point to. the physical medical neglect I experienced later was unrelated and more nuanced. and I was surprised when I was working with my therapist and my biggest issues were not single events - but tiny little things that built up over time, every day. the only thing that's helped me actually stop them has been EMDR - but it is a strooong trauma therapy. it's not scary - people without c-ptsd do pretty hardcore processing routinely that's just like it during REM sleep, it's part of dreaming - but I really could only do three sessions before I needed to stop and process how I feel about my life now. but I can walk into school's now without any of the same physical or emotional issues I was having! but before it always felt both nostalgic and bad, like at best exposing myself in a controlled setting. I'm not trying to say you're autistic or have c-ptsd, but that's what it ended up being for me. C-ptsd gives you triggers that make you feel like you have the trauma event of PTSD, but unspeakably so. the best comparison I can make is PTSD is a broken leg you can put in a cast and mostly heal up, while C-PTSD is getting a hammer to your leg every day until it eventually cracks, but you don't even notice it anymore. all you know is that hammers make you feel sick and you're protective of your leg now. triggers feel more abstract and unable to pinpoint. I didn't realize why my triggers were so intense before memories resurfaced about them after EMDR. so if it's intense, I wouldn't nessecarily say you NEED EMDR now, but talking with a trauma therapist isn't such a bad idea. I do believe c-ptsd is underdiagnosed, but also understudied and poorly understood. so I think it's worth asking yourself how intense it is, and a lot of people don't know they deal with it. but you're not alone! I deal with it too 

@flowers

Apr 6, 2025

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learning your compartments and breaking them down

For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.

@platypus_angel

Oct 16, 2024

Top Recs from @dyarkin

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delete bumble

I’ve been on like 5 bumble dates till now and two of them were the worst experiences ever, the other three were ok. I feel like there is a pressure on everyone to find someone, this pressure came upon me thanks to my therapist🥰✌️🥰✌️🥰she said to me, you are going to uni and never been in a relationship wtf is wrong with u🥹❤️🥹❤️ sooo I stumbled upon bumble and other dating apps and my first date was me getting sexually assaulted 😋😭😔🤪🤫💕😬🇺🇸 then somehow I continued going on dates with just girls bc fuck men am I right? and they were just basically a waste of time 😁 now after my fifth and hopefully final date from a dating app, I am officially quitting this. I feel so worthless trying to show myself off by just some lousy pictures and a one liner that says nothing about me. I just want to live on my own and like someone not by how they want to be seen, but how they actually are I feel so ashamed of even being on a dating app sometimes, that I get depressed. I get this feeling that I am superficial and just desperate for attention. I need the validation of someone I don’t even know to feel like I am worth something. Not being loved till now has made me feel like I am worth nothing, that nobody will ever want me or need me. That is why I continue doing this shit and I am stopping TODAY wish me luck😬🥰🚬🥺🤪🚬😬👈🥰🦅😮‍💨

@dyarkin

Aug 15, 2024

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chıllıng on the beach

go in the water, come back to the shore, sit under an umbrella and read your book while you listen to the sound of the sea crashing onto the shore and repeat.

@dyarkin

Aug 19, 2024

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fear of losing friends

From a very young age I had trouble keeping friends, especially friend groups. Somehow I always ended up out of the group and just wondered why. I guess these experiences made me fear forming new relationships. I always start out distant with people bc I know they’ll leave me one day 😁 and I always fear getting attached to someone bc you’ll never know what might happen But when someone sticks through my distant phase and actually becomes a good friend of mine my fear doesn’t go away;) I feel like every minor thing they do they are bored of me and are gonna become distant yes I have attachment issues and no I don’t have a therapist so I am just rambling about it here 🙌 ps. I have exactly 3 close friends and I love them very much<3

@dyarkin

Aug 18, 2024