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I am just learning this lesson as a deeply anxious person when it comes to dating/crushing! Weâre told on social media so many things about being pursued and black cat energy and how to get men to chase etc. (Which a lot of these ideas are true and beneficial to keeping healthy detachment).
But, Iâve seen none of these methods work for me and actually have caused me a lot of wasted anxiety. Obviously donât be too clingy or overwhelm communication. But thereâs genuinely nothing wrong with showing interest by maintaining communication with someone youâre into. Hereâs an example:
I met this guy that I like..alot. When weâre in person itâs ELECTRIC, but our texts are consistent/not as electric. I decided to go a week not texting to âtest his interestâ. Hated how I felt doing it. Last night I just said, âHey :) you doing okay?â to which he responded âHolaaaaaaâ.
I instantly felt like an idiot because that text felt quite dry to me. So I went on Tiktok for advice and naturally every video said âIf his text is dry pull back and ghost him because heâs not interested.â
But that didnât feel right for me, and discouraged me a lot. especially based on our past communication, I just didnât feel he was pulling back. So I decided to just try my own approach. I said, âIâd like to chat with you. You around this weekend?â
He INSTANTLY facetimed me and we had a wonderful hour long catch up where we both realized texting sucks and itâs so much nicer to chat on the phone. (We live in different countries atm)
My point here is, if I wouldâve listened to all of this advice, I wouldâve pushed away someone I really enjoy based on what society considers the right way to date.
DO YOU & BE YOU. You canât say or do the wrong thing to the right person :)
Nov 29, 2024
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Keep It simple, silly!
My therapist recommended when I went back into the dating world to say I donât text, and start off with only one date a week. That helped me sooo much bc I became enmeshed with people really easily. It allowed me to mentally and emotionally have space and not spend my time wrapped up in any anxiety. This also really helped weed out people who didnât respect that boundary. It gave me time to find out if we were *actually* compatible before getting too serious. I was able to keep my life, and dating as part of it. Versus allowing a relationship to just overtake my life.
My mindset was also just to have fun, try new things, and work on communication skills. If something more serious came about then great, but that wasnât the goal.
Aug 5, 2024
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Iâve been single for a year and a half now and have recently had a massive breakthrough with it all. I spent a while deeply brainwashed by the horrific dating advice on Tik Tok which stipulates things like âif the first date isnât a dinner date then he basically views you as a saloon whoreâ or âunless you drop into your soft feminine energy, you deserve an entire life alone, you toothless witch.â I donât want to do either of those things. What the fuck is soft feminine energy? I want to focus on work and make videos that make people laugh and write and spend time with friends and eat and drink wine (see above) without being haunted by the viral refrain âIf he wanted to, he would.â Who cares? I like meeting guys out and about! Maybe grabbing drinks. Having crushes. Flirting. Enjoying them. But I will never again sit through a Tik Tok titled âsubtle ways to make him addicted to youâ or âhow to become a high value woman who is a prize to be won.â ENOUGH.
Sep 1, 2023
a) how long / frequently youâve been seeing them. if itâs only been a week or two, with mostly over-the-phone or texts, itâs not rude of you to just be like oh hey I rly liked talking to you, but I think my heart is calling me elsewhere.
b) if itâs been a few irl interactions, dates and mundane conversations â then it depends on whether youâd prefer a text, call or face to face interaction. before you break it to them, forgive yourself!! you are allowed to say no!! Donât settle, even if itâs for reasons that are just regarding preference and chemistry. Be upfront (I want to wander elsewhere), offer your condolences (i know you care about me, so Iâm sorry if this feels like rejection. I appreciate you and (insert personality trait) but I donât want to waste both of our time!
You can retain a level of friendship if you wish, but make sure that the other indivisual is respectful of your lack of interest. Sometimes friendship = okay let me convince them đ which doesnât end well.
Honestly, just ask yourself what youâd want to hear! Below, Iâm attaching a screenshot of a text I sent to a man who I felt was ghosting me, afrer a reasonable period of time of me requesting better communication. I wanted to hear from him that he was no longer interested, but I was tired of waiting for answersâŠ.
you got this!! trust yourself
Jul 27, 2024
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My friend today asked me an amazing question. He said, âDo you think the avoidance thing is specific to our generation or LA specific? Like is someone in Arkansas thinking about anxiety?â
Obviously yes someone in Arkansas is thinking of anxiety haha but it made me really think. Our generation is HORRIBLE (me included) at facing shit and taking accountability. Itâs all masked underneath this âtherapy talkâ shit.
Hear me out. Letâs say you have a friend and youâre feeling conflict/tension with them. After a few weeks of them being mean, you confront them about it. Theyâre passive and not addressing their actions. We would INSTANTLY write them off as âAVOIDANTâ versus âA friend whoâs hurting me by being shitty even if they donât intend to.â
And yes, that friend is being âavoidantâ. But, thatâs a simple write off for behavior. Behavior has been so quickly written off to fit into this Therapy Talk.
Hereâs another example: A girl who really likes someone is attaching to them quickly because sheâs excited to get to know them and is having so much fun, sheâs moving faster than usually and trying to rush commitment. Society would consider her âAnxiously attachedâ versus âThis girl is really into this person and itâs shifting her choices and actions.â
I think what iâm getting at is, it seems dismissive and avoidant to just simplify these big feelings and actions into these terms when in reality, yes the terms are true. But, we should probably be making space to really talk and express in full detail a persons actions including our own, and get to the bottom of it. The categories can be apart of the larger narrative, but they arent the full reasoning.
I hope this made sense lol
Nov 27, 2024
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anything and everything anytime whenever planned or not
Mar 9, 2025
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iâm trying to learn french fast (itâs not working hahah) so iâm only watching french films and tv. please send me ur favs <333
Nov 24, 2024