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i've been facing paralysis when i have to do something that i'm anxious about. i know at the end it'll be something "good for me", but that in itself doesn't stop the anxieties i have. waiting on it and stewing in my thoughts isn't helping me feel better. so, why not do things scared? the fear will be there regardless.
i'm trying to push through the fear and do things anyways. for example, i have a gap year in between my graduation and my job. the thought of applying to jobs in this market fills me with undeniable dread, but i'm doing it anyways one job at a time.
(on a side note, one anti-recommendation i have is the modern job hunt. why the fuck is this so hard)
the things we "have" to do feel like a deep pool sometimes. scream as you take the plunge, and you come out on the other end feeling a little bit lighter.
Jan 9, 2025
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recently been feeling the fight or flight instinct kick in as i near the end of grad school, turning 26, losing the parents' health insurance, the end of my internship, the impending post-grad school career search, and the end of my lease and having to move - all of which are happening during august. in times like these where i find myself on the precipice of a new stage of life, i find that i either A.) can't wait to begin the next stage and i'm restless and impatient to get the current stage over with, B.) dread the end of the current stage that i've grown comfortable with and stress about needing to plan and structure out what's next to feel more prepared, or C. ) both.
to keep from getting overwhelmed, the motto i always return to is "swim to the wall." i'm not a swimmer, but from what i know about the sport you can't finish the lap you're on until you hit the wall, push off, and get going in a new direction. basically, it's a reminder to see through what you've been working on until the end, give your best effort even though - and maybe especially because - you're almost done, and then build momentum and give yourself the best launch into the next lap. maybe you can't see what lies ahead in the next lap because you were so focused on keeping pace that you forgot you would need to swim in another direction at some point, but you gotta keep swimming. staying in one place and treading water can become exhausting if you haven't reached your resting point, and it will make it harder to change direction once you lose momentum. you need to keep chuggin, get to the end, then push off as hard as you can. you gotta swim to the wall.
Jun 26, 2024
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^^THIS mantra saved my life. I feel for you and I feel equipped to answer this, it's been a main theme for me since I finished college about 8 years ago.
No one prepares you for the absolute freefall of post grad. We're trained to work our ass off in school. Make ourselves appear well-rounded so we're marketable. We're able to gauge our progress against our peers in a tangible way. If we work hard, we'll have more opportunities – in school and in our career. We'll be free, happy, and financially comfortable. But it's not true. The tracks suddenly end and there's no clear path forward. It's a freedom that feels harrowing to most people (it did to me!) because no one is telling you what you should do, and that's so scary. And it's normal.
A "career" is a product of various factors like opportunity, socioeconomic status, nepotism, and luck. Obviously there are exceptions, but that's a more common reality. I'm not saying it's pointless to get good grades and a college degree 🙃 but it's definitely not a guarantee to get your "dream job" or any job lol. I'm someone that worked hard to do everything "right" and it still took me 3+ years to get a job in the industry I studied. I worked retail and felt like a failure while I watched my friends climb up a ladder I couldn't even touch yet. When I finally landed a full-time marketing job I would find myself complaining a ton. About my boss or my random coworker or that I wasn't making the world a better place. The goal I'd been working to achieve my whole life was just a big, fat bummer! The bubble popped. I'd apply to jobs like a new start would save me. Then I got laid off. I landed a new gig that isn't perfect either.
But I'm starting to realize it doesn't really matter.
I've gone through cycles of feeling so oppressed by capitalism, so out of control of my own day-to-day, I developed severe depression and anxiety. My career-self and home-self split further and further apart because I didn't feel safe at work.
But recently I've realized a big part of why I was miserable was because that's what I told myself. Maybe I needed to cycle through these feelings for some reason. I got on medication, did a yoga teacher training, and started doing little things throughout the day to make myself happy. When I stopped being so hard on myself to reach some stupid made-up standard I could finally exhale. It also really helped to spend time with people older than me. Now I make choices to improve my life even just 1%, like going home at lunch to spend a few minutes in the sun, cutting back on alcohol, saying no to things I didn't want to do. I'm enjoying the now more than ever before because I stopped trying to push myself to look for what's next.
Now when I feel my anxiety creeping in at work (or anywhere) I just tell myself it's not that serious. 99% of the time it's true. You can not love your job and still be ridiculously happy. I've spent my life honoring all my emotions and not all of them deserve to be honored! Release and enjoy where you're at! The good and the bad, it's all temporary.
May 8, 2025
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I’ve been chronically socially anxious for most of my adult life, struggled to really break out of a shell and only had inner confidence amongst people who engaged with me initially. and trust me, the hardest part will always be the first step, because you’re almost programmed to think of those branching paths of “what if this happens?”
My main advice is to let those paths exist, but immediately throw them away, even the ones that look positive. because your brain will always take these ideas you come up with in your head and try to twist them, make you poke holes in them until they seem unappealing, or even worse, make them feel like they could end in disaster. the more you dwell on uncertainty, the more you’ll forget why you wanted to do something in the first place.
and my other bit of advice is, if you feel it, lock it in. if you want something to happen, say you will do it, and just keep it there. don’t even think about what it could lead to, just say “I want to do x, so I will do x”. from there, nothing can hurt you, you can’t hurt yourself, and even if it goes kaput, you can say “I did x.”
finally, maybe a slightly dumber bit of advice, is pick a song to listen to before doing something you would normally back out of, like it’s a hypeman. mine is “champagne coast” by blood orange, mainly because it makes me feel like a Main Character
wishing for the best!
Apr 27, 2025
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a lot of hobbies pushed to us are surrounded by consumption. we watch shows, movies. consume albums, buy clothes and items, etc. not that there's anything inherently wrong with consuming, but consumption without creation breeds dullness.
we all have creativity within us. it gets beaten out when there are expections to commoditize your creativity. you feel the need to be the best, to be perfect in the first shot at something.
creation without the expectation of consumption is how we push back. i write poetry, even if it sucks. i drew a pig going to bed in a room full of disproportinately sized furniture because i felt like it. i'm looking to start dancing again.
the world has so much that's yet to be made, and we're blessed with the ability to contribute to that body of art.
Jan 8, 2025
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i love treating myself like i'm an aristocrat in training. my education should be well-rounded - versed in intellectual pursuits of science and economics but also artistic pursuits like literature and creation, physicalities like dancing, practicalities like cooking. everything is simply something to be learned, and when we learn we can adapt to whatever bullshit is happening in the world.
Jan 19, 2025
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in this world which feeds us manufactured stories designed to provoke, following threads of literally anything can foster our genuine sense of curiosity which is being commodified at every turn.
go to the main page of wikipedia and click click click and let your thoughts wander. for instance, today i landed on the page of flags sorted by design. did you know that libya's flag was just solid green from 1977-2011? that cyprus is one of the only national flags to have a map of itself on it? and that nepal's flag is the only non-rectangular national flag in the world? unless you want to make a non-rectangular flag for your hypothetical nation. the world is your oyster.
Jan 7, 2025