📖
The last birthday i had people come to gather to celebrate was when I turned 21. It was small but it was a sole group of people I love, some I miss, and one who has sadly passed. Ever since that day, no one has ever surprised me or tried to do anything for my birthday. I usually spend them alone, in turn makes me quite sad and amplifies my desire for likeminded people to share time with. Not my birthday…but I’m 25 now and seeing all of those people move on, come together every once ina while for occasions, and go their own ways makes me miss them a lot. I’ve kept in touch with 1 but recently It feels like that’s over as well.
I just want to be apart of something.
Everyday I want to reach out to these people, and I feel the need to apologize, and explain myself, end express how much I’ve loved seeing them grow into their own. I talk myself out everyday. Out of fear? Not focusing on my own needs? Or not knowing if they want to even talk to me anymore. Part of me feels tainted, conditioned to the idea that I destroy anything I touch or anyone I talk to.
I want to be apart, Be with people I admire. Get invited to things. Do things with others. But all the doors to those opportunities feel closed.
I may have been the one to close those doors but they don’t feel closed to me.
I miss these people very much and want them in my life.
Mar 11, 2025
Comments (1)
Make an account to reply.
Related Recs
🪢
I met with a friend yesterday that I haven’t seen or really spoken to in months. We discovered that during the month of January we both endured similarly painful experiences of being wanted my someone and wanting them in return, only to have that person take everything back within the span of a couple days.
It’s a really confusing and jarring feeling and it’s like mourning something that hasn’t even had the chance to begin. During this conversation We reflected a lot on our generation (mid twenties) and how apathetic so many people have become. When did it become a crime to want and be wanted??
As much as I’ve been finding myself and have been on a real journey of self fulfillment lately, I still find myself aching with the loss of this person, or maybe the feeling this person gave me. I wish that someone could love me in the way that I love. I wish oversharing wasn’t a word in our vocabulary and that we could speak freely and from the heart at all times. Im so done being casual and nonchalant and apathetic; I care so much I can’t stand it.
Feb 8, 2025
😃
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships that for one reason or another ended up falling apart throughout my life. Some were my fault, some were theirs, and some a mix of both. Some have been redeemed, some are being restored as we speak, and some will never be mended or fixed. I think for many years I was so convinced that I needed to make amends with everyone, regardless of how things went. It felt like I had an obligation to swallow my pride and apologize, even if I wasn’t at fault. I spent so much time dismissing my own feelings in order to repair things with people that never really cared about my feelings in the first place. That was a majority of my early 20’s.
Looking back now at 30, it’s interesting to see how time has given me so much peace about letting certain relationships end and not feeling like I needed to revive them. It’s a strange acceptance that at some point, we must have been good friends for a reason, even if I can’t remember what that reason was and that I can remember the good moments and the laughter and the fun and the trips and the celebrations without focusing on the bad. It’s like the time has allowed me to forget exactly how bad the bad times were and it makes the good memories seem better than they were.
In my 20’s I would have either tried to fix everything for the sake of the good moments, or I would have stubbornly tried to forget them entirely because of the bad.
But it feels different now.
So much time has passed and I naturally find myself thinking of those people less frequently, but when I do think of them I remember them more fondly. And it’s okay for it to be just that. There’s no need for more, no need to reach out, no need to make things as they were. It’s an acceptance that some things do just end and that’s ok. I don’t have to focus on the bad, it’s okay to celebrate the good that existed if even just for a small amount of time. The laughter and the love and the companionship was real then, even if it doesn’t exist any longer.
Here’s to hoping all those people are doing well in life and finding success and love and building a life with someone and establishing their legacy. Here’s to hoping that good luck finds them from time to time. And here’s to hoping that when they remember me, hopefully they wish the same good fortune my way.
May 2, 2024
🚬
It's a long rant so tldr; I am too fucking lonely.
I feel like crying right now but I haven't been able to cry for the past two years...
Every single time I have to be the one to take the initiative yet no one ever asks me out.... Everytime I hang out with someone, they tell me that they loved being with me but like, can't you ask me out too? I make further plans but no one ever reaches out again. If they don't like me, can't they just tell me straight up? I know I can be overbearing so I keep the words to minimum. I always blend my words to match everyone's humor.
I just feel so fucking lonely. I always check up on everyone but no one does it for me. I've never had a single person ask me if I'm doing good and ask me to go out with them to talk and shit... I do it. I do it with everyone. I live so far away from everyone and I can travel for an hour to help anyone out but not a single person does that for me... I love to help everyone out and it doesn't really matter much if no one returns the help because I know I'm crying rn but I'll bounce back in a few days and I'll continue doing what I do, but I can't help but feel disappointed.
Mar 27, 2025
Top Recs from @_max_hart
why don’t i do this stuff anymore
danm
i miss show photography
the state of mind
you get into a grove
forget everything around you
it’s a happy place
i haven’t visited in a long time
Feb 25, 2025
Shoutout my Great Grandpa for this one RIP ! My family is hoarding them all but I want every single one that he made..
Feb 12, 2025
Feb 14, 2025