just here to say i found love, and it’s such a beautiful thing. she makes me feel like someone worthy of affection and respect. she sees me as talented and she is, god, so caring, so smart, so ambitious. but even in all that beauty, i feel lost. like i’m a pleasing project, a canvas for physical and emotional pleasure, shaped by a version of myself i’ve carefully constructed. and while i’ve been trying to convince myself i’m just overthinking, part of me is stuck in the quiet truth: the person i present might not really exist. maybe they’re somewhere in the future. maybe they’re a past self i forgot. or maybe they never existed at all. and in that dissonance, i feel like a failure pretending not to be failing, and in doing so, stalling my own growth.
lately, my social life is great but i’ve lost my sense of self. not because of my girlfriend, but because i’ve stopped pouring energy into the things that used to affirm me. and it’s weird because that change feels healthy, like i’m no longer depending on performance or productivity to feel valuable. but it’s also made me less reliable on myself in situations that matter
