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My maternal grandfather was a general and buried with a neatly folded American flag. My paternal grandfather was a violinist and an attorney. His grandfather was blindfolded, forced to kneel, and shot in the back, murdered by Spanish conquistadors. There is a statue of him and 12 others in his hometown. For uprising against enslavery and protecting our people from Spain. My Dad taught me to carry God in my heart, not in the church. It was a neighbor's confessional that *named names* and had them killed. Are you in heaven now? Was it your salvation? Did the priests pardon you and save your soul for sacrificing your people? My parents tried to keep me quiet and avoid calling racism what it is. For your safety. For your safety. Stay alive.

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here are 3 of my most exciting pieces of lore: 1) my dad was in the south tower on 9/11 and he made it out, but was still in the building when the plane hit. the plane went through his office window, but he was already evacuating and on around the 40th floor when the plane hit 2) my paternal grandfather (jewish) was born in austria but his family moved to milan in ‘33/34 when hitler came into power. in ‘44 when the nazis occupied northern italy, his family escaped into the mountains northeast of milan near bergamo (he was about 13 or 14 years old at this point). his family helped smuggle guns to the partisans since they could speak german with an austrian accent and bypass nazi checkpoints. my grandfather had to shoot a fascist at one checkpoint going wrong, and so at 14 he joined the partisans full-on and lived with them until the war ended. i have a bunch of photos from his time with the partisans (attached some). apparently the group he was specifically with was led by this kinda crazy guy who threatened the security of the whole partisan operations, so he was actually killed by other communist partisans. a few years ago i found a man who researches this exact group in bergamo, and now i have an 80 yr old italian pen-pal who published some photos of my grandfather in his book. 3) my maternal grandfather was orphaned really young in cuba and was really poor. he met my grandmother when he saw her riding her bike down the street and instantly fell in love with her (yes, just like cinema paradiso). she was really rich and her family hated him, so he would wait outside her window just to see her. eventually they get married and have my eldest uncle (because love always perseveres). this part of the story is fuzzy, but i believe he got into some gambling issues and so my grandmothers family shipped him to the US (probably with hopes of getting rid of him for good). but he began to build a life for his family there. then the revolution happened and he continued to go back and forth, but then castro put in the policy that children born in cuba had to stay, so they moved to nyc permanently. but my grandfather loved castro, as most cubans did. so my family is not part of the typical exile cuban-american demographic, which i always found fascinating.
Feb 19, 2024
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My mother was a women’s studies and English lecturer at our local university and my dad is an artist and musician so I grew up going to gallery openings, university faculty gatherings, and hippie parties with live jam bands and drum circles and the occasional belly dancer lol. I grew up surrounded by books and art and nature, amongst bright and talented people, many of whom were outspoken, unapologetic oddballs. I was never forced to sit at the kids’ table so I listened to a lot of their discussions and learned about the world… and about many swear words. It made me kind of an odd person. My paternal grandfathers on both sides were southern so I was exposed to that culture pretty extensively, though I was one generation removed and lived in the southwest. Growing up in a border town, the majority of people were Latinx and Spanish speaking, so that’s the broader culture I grew up around!
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Why do they hide so much history within them? Why does that past come out in most unprompted ways? Why is the pizza line at Costco essential for me to learn my grandfather's name was Salvador, that dad was buddies with famous luchadores, or that he is casual friends with many a notable playwright? I hope it's not the feeling that I'd be uninterested; I certainly am. His storytelling is so casual, so carefree. Maybe he likes the old days to be the old days and his place to be in the now, and his way of keeping the past at bay is to scarcely visit it, to give nostalgia no special regard. Perhaps he likes the chance to be mysterious, and he very much is in these moments. It's strange for there to be mystery between us, but that's unavoidable, I guess. I try not to take it as a barrier. We are mysteries even to ourselves; it's an unjustly tall order to make ourselves crystal clear for others, even our children, perhaps. Whatever it is, I treasure each pearl of the weird history, the places he has been and the trouble he got into. He was and still is that young man just as I hope to still be who I am today, even if in bite-sized, shocking portions.
Apr 29, 2024

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When I feel scared or anxious, wow... Breathing. Sleeping is a solid second place.
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I'd like a stronger affirmative/feedback that I liked a post. Somehow I click it like 5x liking and unliking it and unsure if it went through. I think the stars change color now from white to yellow.
Mar 31, 2025
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Are beautiful. I feel so mad when I realize natives aren't in the room where decisions are made over their land, their lives, their futures. We're so small in numbers, and even fewer educated in law and social welfare. It wasn't until 1954, Brown vs the Board of Education, when minorities could even step next to white people in the school system. (And you KNOW they didn't like that. It wasn't without racism, violence, murder, and bloodshed. It wasn't without fear. Did YOU ever have to study to provide for your family, while afraid for your life? And how many generations did that? While assimilating. While washing out their mother tongue to fit in, so white people don't look down on them for their accents. So generations forward are that much further from their hearts and heritage.) The very Board of Education *rump aims to dismantle. It hasn't even been 100 years. We haven't gained traction, much less gotten steady on our feet. 1965 Jim Crow laws were overturned. Racism and VIOLENCE were not only LEGALLY BACKED, but SAFEGUARDED. How cooked is a system that ever supported this?! How do we play the game without any chess pieces on the board?!? HOW DO WE PROTECT OUR LAND AND PEOPLE WITHOUT A VOICE? With a system that was never, ever built for us. And today, we see that ever so clearly with this administration. Fuck this oppression. I wish Hawaii could be 'owned' by natives only. Fuck Zuckerberg. Oprah. Mainlanders coming in and creating Aloha businesses off the backs of Islanders, and tacking on a "oh we donate to the locals" ad like they're not literally pushing them off their homeland. PRAISE the kumu who teach us we ARE the land. That the culture is in us and with us wherever we go. I know they're just trying to console us. I know it, but I still appreciate it. SOLIDARITY with brethren. Indigenous Pride. Safety to prevent Missing and Murdered Indigenous People. BLACK LIVES MATTER. We know, we care. Freeing you, frees us. This pain is a lighter burden to carry across multiple shoulders. We include each other in legislations and legal narratives because we know. We *know.*