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for the last three years (at least) I've noticed every birthday goes the same way- midnight starts off on a good note because I'm surrounded with my friends and there's cake and music and dancing, but when i wake up the next morning there's just this... void. not a sadness in particular, but a feeling of emptiness. i get this strange feeling of having to do something epic or cram my day with activities, cause that's what is expected? cause people are constantly asking 'ooh what plans do you have for your birthday', but what if i just want to stay in and meet some friends and have a nice time? which is exactly what i did this time with a game night, but the void the next morning persisted. i don't think it's because of me thinking of what i've achieved in the last year and how i could have done more. in hindsight, you could have always done more but it was a big year for me- i moved away from home to another continent, started my masters degree and set up my life here. i think it stems from a place of seeing others my age and making comparisons, which is not something i like doing because i have always believed everybody's track is so different and there is no way to make a fair comparison yet i still do so. and so i start thinking to myself, "oh am i too skinny to look like I'm almost in my mid 20s", or "his t-shirt is much cooler than mine", or some other superficial thing that is purely relies on physical appearances. maybe i just miss having someone i can have deep chats with without feeling like I'm boring them or pressurising them to stay and listen, maybe i should just reach out to some friends from back home, which I've always found tough to do but better late than never
9h ago
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my birthday often falls the week of thanksgiving, so i usually just take the day off as a "extending the long weekend" if i don't already get it off. since i moved to the west coast ~3 years ago and most of my friends and family are back in new york, every year on my birthday in the morning i make sure to:
1. respond to every single birthday text i got, and if possible hop on a quick call with as many people as i can. basically just a gratitude practice of "hey as i've gotten older i've not only developed meaningful relationships, i've also held onto a lot of meaningful relationships."
2. eat breakfast out; i think my birthday breakfast for the last two years has been Oddfellows Café + Bar (oddfellowscafe.com), but taking the time to have an extra special solo (or with my partner) breakfast keeps the scaries at bay for at least a couple hours
3. going shopping for a birthday gift for myself in person so i have something to open when i get home.
after that it's pretty much just about having a couple extra things to do during my day like trying a new restaurant / going to a favorite for lunch, running a "fun" errand like dropping off film to get scanned, and then meeting local friends for either dinner out and / or cake and games back at my apartment, etc.
having something where i can look back and feel like i did something is all i'm looking for; i think through my late teens / early twenties i put a lot of emphasis on wanting my my birthday to feel "special" which meant it was doomed to not be "special" enough. since pivoting to having fun my birthday has felt a lot more special since it's just different from the monotony of a normal day, and there wasn't any extra pressure on it
Apr 1, 2024
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it’s such a awkward marker of a new year. a weird mix of wanting people to celebrate you, but feeling tired of the obligation to thank everyone that only reaches out once a year.
i always find birthdays really hard, and fairly disappointing.
my recommendation is to give yourself grace, and do what makes you happy. i know it’s such a generic rec but this past year on the actual day i just took it easy, treated myself to some takeout, and watched a show in bed. a few days after i got together with friends and we went to a restaurant i love but they’d never really wanted to go to. and then we ate homemade cake and watched a movie.
sorry if this isn’t a very upbeat response (: <3
happy birthday!! and know random people on the internet are celebrating you (:
Jul 30, 2024
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one of the most memorable birthdays i have had is a surprise birthday for my 18th or 21st and i absolutely hated it. i appreciated the effort my family went through to do it but it was my literal nightmare.
my birthday tradition is to spend it doing whatever i want and not feel bad about it. if that means spending an obscene amount of money on shoes i've been lusting after, heck yeah i'll do it. if that means spending the entire day at the cinemas, you bet i'm there. if that means going out with my friends or travelling, yeah i'm doing it. and sometimes i actually just don't feel like doing anything at all and that is sometimes a vibe too.
i think sometimes we are put under pressure to celebrate our birthdays in a certain way with others or throw parties but if that isn't authentic to you or you just don't feel like it, your birthday should be the one day of the year that you can do whatever you want.
Jan 8, 2025
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I was cleaning my sink today and noticed the tiniest seedling sprouting inside. i'm so confused at the dynamics of this and it blows my mind how life finds its way even in the darkest and murkiest environments
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(but i realllyyy wished they played golden hair, i was soo ready to weep like a baby hiasdhlfadsf)
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