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MEN AND BECOMING A SYMPTOM OF THEIR SELF DEPRIVATION
ok maybe I shouldn't be so gender specific but hear me out. idk what it is but men will have exactly what they want in front of them. a cookie, a job, a woman, ANYTHING. if it comes in a way that feels slightly "too easily" to them they won't accept it. Vs: I find that most women live in an abundance mindset and are often open to receiving. And then women are taught things like "Men love bitches. Be hard to chase etc." which there's so much truth to that. Yeah, a healthy level of unavailability fosters attraction. But I think theres a deeper issue here and i'm only speaking on it because I find that I often become a symptom of a man's self deprivation. To me it seems Men feel if there's no level of aggressive struggle or hardship to get the thing they want it's either "not real" or "they can't have it because they'll lose it too fast." It makes me question if it's a level of social media's illusion of options? How we as a society accept good things that arrive to us? At what level is chasing something and fighting so relentlessly that it's "enough" for your satisfaction and sense of reward and it feels valid? shit drives me crazy. I know you guys will cook me for this opinion but curious on your take.
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@courtnipoe
May 10, 2025
17
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@eatgraeps
To compound on what others have said about the surplus concept, im thinking this could be a result of male/female socialization where women are taught to be in greater service to their partner and settle down whereas it seems to be more acceptable for men to play the field? If we achieved gender equality and both genders actually liked each other at the same rate and had truly equal opportunity for self actualization i don’t think this would be an issue. No offense to the men on this site but you have not seen how the troglodytes on tinder speak to me
May 10, 2025
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@royallmonarch
@EATGRAEPS this is valid
May 10, 2025
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@eatgraeps
@EATGRAEPS Honestly if we had gender equality women would probably also be addicted to the chase
May 10, 2025
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@eatgraeps
@EATGRAEPS Many are… just maybe at lower rates. Idk im not a scientist
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@EATGRAEPS EXACTLY. ugh love this perspective!!!!!!!!
May 11, 2025
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@royallmonarch
it’s the manifestation of surplus enjoyment in modern dating. humans broadly enjoy the pursuit of something maybe even more than the obtaining of something if there’s no scarcity of the thing which they pursue. if something is abundant then the experience of it becomes mundane or expected and the pursuit is the thing which we derive more pleasure from.
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@ROYALLMONARCH yup I truly think this is spot on because it comes down to simple human nature
May 11, 2025
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@_bilal_
Literally not gonna cook you but rather thank you for putting this to words. I wrote in my journal the other day precisely about how I suffer from this and have been contemplating on my current relationship because of how easy it came about, which for some reason (and this i wrote about), seems to be a problem for me and for what reason? I cannot understand! theres just some visceral feelingwithin me that hates this idea of things coming easy. It’s driving me a bit crazy, because while there’s no real issue, I’ve somehow made one out of thin air.
May 10, 2025
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@_bilal_
@_BILAL_ also sorry on behalf of us who are like this that you are on the other end 😓
May 10, 2025
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@royallmonarch
@_BILAL_ life is hard but also sometimes life is so easy
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@_BILAL_ sending u the biggest hug ever. incredible that you can articulate this for yourself even. you're already winning!!!!
May 11, 2025
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@moonbeams
I know so many men with this mindset and seeing it in words was a revelation. Why are they so scared to let themselves be happy?? Like life will give and take and yeah you won't be happy forever but that doesn't mean you never should be?? The nice thing is right there? Enjoy it!! It's so so frustrating
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@MOONBEAMS EXACTLY LIKE WTF IS GOING ON
May 11, 2025
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@mattshawsome
I think you are definitely on to something here — that for many (some?), there's this default desire to pursue a thing, to fight for it, to face opposition—to experience adventure—before accepting that good thing/reward. And that default desire for adventure or to endure a fight before the reward can express in beautiful and selfless and courageous ways, or it can show up ways that are toxic and unloving and selfish. Part of the the maturing process, I think, is becoming able to discern when to simply graciously receive the good thing in front of you versus when to fight courageously for good thing you don't yet have. I hate it for you that you've had to experience the consequences of others' immaturity in this area.
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@MATTSHAWSOME this response is a 1000000/10. so well explained. THANK YOU
May 11, 2025
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@bee1000
As a man, I’m glad I have no idea what you’re talking about!
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@BEE1000 love this for YOU🩷🩷🩷🩷
May 10, 2025
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@jahnneke
Doesn't go for all men but I have def met men who are like this. They were taught all valuable things are something you have to work hard for.. so when something is easy it cannot be valuable. Obviously that can lead to very toxic relationship dynamics.
May 10, 2025
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@courtnipoe
@JAHNNEKE exactly but lately it's like ODDDDDDD especially in dating etc
May 10, 2025
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Tl;dr what you’re experiencing is indicative of a cultural shift
I read once that our culture teaches girls and young women that they have to work hard and plan to get what they want in life. Disney princesses have to take on a lot of responsibility. Cis white men on the other hand don’t get those messages. We’ve always been able to coast along and our privileged position in society has meant we can end up successful without planning or withoutinitiative. Now men don’t get by as easily as that, and they’re lost as to how to go about it. They do poorly in school, they lack self motivation, and they don’t get their shit together. Huge generalities in there, and I’m plagiarizing an article I read, but it feels right to me. I do think there’s something to the idea that American men are not prepared to fend for themselves in life. So I can imagine dating us is frustrating.
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A STRANGE BALANCE
A lot of my friends (myself included) got married young; I myself locked down marriage by 22. What I’ve noticed is that when you’re married younger, you don’t get to develop into the generalized stereotypical douche bag archetypes that guys hit in their 20’s — indie sleeze ball, frat bro with allegations, overly into himself athletic dude, guy who is too niche into their hobbies, neighborhood womanizer, etc. This doesn’t mean we’re perfect, just means we missed out on what could be peak horrific boy era that you see from 21-30. What has been weird though is seeing how many guys in that age range now are leaning into the…again STEREOTYPED incel/incel adjacent persona. It’s so strange. I don’t associate myself with many of these guys but I sure do see them (and hear about them) from my friends. Tie that into the stereotype that men shouldn‘t go through therapy (for myself, inherited from a strong immigrant father who has done hard labor since 19) and you’ve got a really messed up bag of guys out there. They either are horrible humans overall, or are just oblivious to what it means to be a normal person, or are in their own headspace and don’t understand why others aren’t thinking like them, or have fallen deep into weird religious and/or political movements that pins them as the victims. In short: no, men are not okay.
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@marianoleonczik
May 24, 2025
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EH
Not going to write another out of touch thinkpiece about how Rogan corrupted the youth since everyone with a Substack has beaten that dead horse already. Speaking from personal experience, I am okay, in that I am content with myself, and don’t think that anyone (especially women) owes me anything. I tend to keep sane company so I can say relatively the same thing about a majority of the male friends I keep, but men as a whole, in America? Nah. Too many men who think therapy is gay and have that grifter hustler Mister Moneyspread mindset. I have zero clue how you could solve the issues men face today, but do think a good thing would be for men to stop idolizing scammers and grifters. That shit not cool, no one should strive to scam, and yet we have an entire genre of men who make it their entire career to scam or get you into some crypto fintech startup that’s funny with the money. That’s a terrible indicator of where men are now.
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@wakeuplmd
May 27, 2025

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NOT MASKING YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR WITH THERAPY TERMINOLOGY
My friend today asked me an amazing question. He said, “Do you think the avoidance thing is specific to our generation or LA specific? Like is someone in Arkansas thinking about anxiety?” Obviously yes someone in Arkansas is thinking of anxiety haha but it made me really think. Our generation is HORRIBLE (me included) at facing shit and taking accountability. It’s all masked underneath this ”therapy talk” shit. Hear me out. Let’s say you have a friend and you’re feeling conflict/tension with them. After a few weeks of them being mean, you confront them about it. They’re passive and not addressing their actions. We would INSTANTLY write them off as “AVOIDANT” versus “A friend who’s hurting me by being shitty even if they don’t intend to.” And yes, that friend is being “avoidant”. But, that’s a simple write off for behavior. Behavior has been so quickly written off to fit into this Therapy Talk. Here’s another example: A girl who really likes someone is attaching to them quickly because she’s excited to get to know them and is having so much fun, she’s moving faster than usually and trying to rush commitment. Society would consider her “Anxiously attached” versus “This girl is really into this person and it’s shifting her choices and actions.“ I think what i’m getting at is, it seems dismissive and avoidant to just simplify these big feelings and actions into these terms when in reality, yes the terms are true. But, we should probably be making space to really talk and express in full detail a persons actions including our own, and get to the bottom of it. The categories can be apart of the larger narrative, but they arent the full reasoning. I hope this made sense lol
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